Guess Who's Back

To say that it has been a while has been a complete understatement. I have learned so much this past year and I am soooo ready for a new start. I feel kinda reborn. I am ready for all the new changes that are destined to happen in my life although, changes scare the hell out of me. 

I can tell you this. With so many doors opening and closing, it can be a confusing time. My drive and need for raw perfection is driving me crazy. 

So, as needed,  I took a break but I am back and there is so much in store stay tuned! 

Martini

BARE WITH ME

I'm will be making changed to my site. I have had so much going on with work and my graduation coming up. Bare with me!

--martini

rehab

i was so drunk this weekend. I remember things in patches. I remember three bottles of strawberry vodka, patrone, bud light, alligator piss, four long islands, dark liquor, and an ex pill. I remember going to the four strip clubs, girl sex. losing my bra and shirt. i was too fucked up. Its coming back in patches, all in all I probably need to be in somebody's rehab.

holy inappropriateness!!!!

new guy, Jay could have easily found out where brian lived. i had been at his house and he was entertaining me. he took me to school and waited around for me to finish my classes. that is really sweet. we hung after. i hate my job because i havent worked in two weeks. hence the stripping.

we were laying bed on tuesday and he told me that he has to leave on thursday for work. he also asked me if i wanted to come along. i have been to houston but i didnt get a chance to hang out. he said it will be fun and i probably shouldnt be alone. i agreed. it didnt take much. we got our tickets and landed in the morning. on the way he told me that his mom, dad, and sister stays at his house. I guess that can be sweet, but where does he go for privacy? he talked about his job and just like i thought he was a football player. fucking great. one had just choked me and now here i am sitting with another potential choker. the flight was relatively short. after we got there and picked up his car we headed off. i love houston its a beautiful city. we traveled a distance to his house which was massive. it was huge!!!!! it had all bay windows, lakefront view with its own pier and dock with a boat, pool, five bedrooms, sunroom, movie room, it was gorgeous. we got settled in and his dad and sister greeted us and introduced themselves. they seemed really cool.
his mom came out and i got kinda of a cold reception. granted i have known him two weeks i dont what he told her but damn she didnt have to be a bitch. that was harsh maybe she is protective.


my life has been out of control for a long time and i dont know how going off to Houston with a man i have only known for two weeks is going to help. he grabbed my hand and led me upstairs. his bedroom was large and gorgeous. Plasma TV, Cali King Bed, marble bathroom, the works. we werent in the bedroom five minutes and he started to kiss me. i stopped him because his parents were down stairs. he went to close the door and pulled me onto the bed. he was kissing me and it was kinda making me feel like a jump off. it just wasnt right. now that i think about it, is that what i am? anyway... he layed me down on my back which was killing me. i couldnt take him on top of me and i pushed him away. whats wrong?...my back is killing me.... i forgot baby i am sorry, you wanna get on top?...i gave him a look that was plain evil. all men think about is sex. ewwww! it disgusts me and turns me off. I should not have been having sex with him in the first place. at least not this quick.


It made me think being here wasnt such a good idea. he must have sensed my utter disdain for that comment because he says he just wanted some affection we didnt have to have sex. whatever was my reply. i was disgusted. i had to get some things off my chest. so thats what i am to you?...what?.. just somebody you have sex with?...no baby, i didnt mean it like that i just.. it dosent matter this isnt working out...what?... its just not. with that i got up got my purse and went to the bathroom. my back was hurting like hell. what the fuck am i saying? my mouth just goes sometimes. he came into the bathroom and grabbed me from behind. i am stressed... he looked at me with puppy dog eyes. he reminds me of buddha from i love new york. His height, his build, those eyes. LAWD!!!! let me take your stress away ,i didnt mean it like that. all i wanted was kisses and hugs, i promise. i realize it hasnt been that long but already you met my mom. he kept talking and that fact started to dawn on me. damn! mom's in two weeks? when i started listening again he was saying i love kissing you, touching you. i know you going through a lot and i want to make it easier. How is he going to do that by fucking me all the time? I highly doubt that will change the situation.

a part of me feels like i cant handle this with him. he is nice but i am broken and damaged and i dont want him to pull out the first aid kit. its too much. "i have to pee" i told him. he kissed me on my neck and left the bathroom. i got the advil out my purse and took five. maybe the extra will give me a slight buzz since he acts all daddy when i drink.


i gathered myself and went to the bedroom, where he was sitting on the bed on the phone. i sat next to him and kissed him. he gave me a look and i kissed him again. there is nothing wrong with affection right? he got off the phone and grabbed my face and started to kiss me. it would be so much easier if he wasnt a good kisser. i ended up getting on top of him and that only made it worse. i was out of my shirt in no time. affection my ass. he was unbuttoning my pants when there was a knock at the door. i stopped but he didnt. knock at the door....they will come back...answer the door.. he ignored that comment and continued to kiss me. this time the door opened and it was mom. sorry to interrupt but we wanted to get lunch and wanted to know that you guys wanted? i am mortified. here i am with no shirt on, on top of her son, and she is standing in the doorway asking questions about lunch. he told her we would be down in a minute. she walked out and closed the door. i was so shocked. he was laughing. i am sorry baby. she probably thinks i am a hoe!!...no she dont.. whatever... i put my bra and shirt back on. he got up, went downstairs and i told him i would be down in a minute. i went to the bathroom and freshned up. i heard the conversation from upstairs. she's a bit loose..ma come on..what kinda girl does that when your parents are at home. we werent doing anything but kissing...thats because i stopped you guys..okay ma.


to say that i am not in the mood is a understatement. i dont do parents. i went and sat on the bed. i layed down and drifted off to sleep. when i woke up the clock read 4:37. i cant believe i slept that long. i layed there drifting in out of sleep and he walked in. he got right behind me and curled up. he felt so good. he kissed me on my neck. i turned around and he began to kiss me. you okay?..yeah my back was hurting.... you need anything?....a glass of wine...he gave me a look. i was thinking we could grab some dinner and hang out for a bit. cool. i changed and 30 minutes later we were out the door. we went into the downtown area to the magnolia hotel. the bar is on the second floor and it was so nice. they had live jazz playing and he ordered our drinks and told me he would be back. minutes later he came back and told me he had a surprise for me.


we sat and talked. he was really intense with the eye contact and it was making me nervous. he was affectionate and was sweet but at the same time it caught me off guard. we left about an hour later and went to eat at a place called perry's. everything was very nice and the food was really good. we came back to the hotel. what are we doing?....you will see... we went up to the rooftop. it was so beautiful. he stood behind me and held me. we didnt say a word. i am scared because i like him. i dont want to but i do. a few minutes later he whispered in my ear, come on. we went back downstairs to a private entrance and entered the most beautiful room i had ever seen. it was huge!!! there at least four dozen flowers in the room. i grabbed him and hugged him. it was kinda like a honey moon suite. I know you probably dont want to stay with my parents so i got us a room....you didnt have to do that i dont mind staying with your parents....he gave me a look he knew i was lying. i dont have any of my stuff. we can get it tomorrow.

i sat on the bed. its something about him that makes me feel safe but i dont want to. he put his arm around me as he sat down next to me. are you happy?...i am...why are you scared of me?..i am scared of what you will do to me...what do you mean? my situation with brian was fucked up and i have just had to many bad sitautions. i know i have done a lot and that scares me too. i am just scared...... baby, i have to be honest with you. PAUSE....... whenever a man says this it is going to be bad. my ex still calls me and i was talking to her up until earlier this week. i wasnt mad. in fact i felt relieved. its what i wanted to hear. i felt like i needed to know something about his life. or at least the women. i talked to her yesterday and i told her that i had met someone. i just wanted to tell you. i dont want to hide anything. i am really feeling you. i know you just got out of something but i would love to pursue more. its just something for you to think about. can we stop having sex? he gave me a look. he opened his mouth to say something but stopped and agreed. damn i didnt think he would agree to easily.



a few minutes later we got up and went downstairs. they have a nitetime cookie bar. we ate cookies and drank milk and a couple of people came up to him to ask for autographs. we took more cookies and went upstairs. we got to the room and i went into his bag and put on a tshirt. i got in the bed and turned on the tv. he changed and joined me. good god he is so fine. we were laying there and i started to drift in and out of sleep. i woke up and the clock read 2:33 am. he was sleeping soundly. i nuzzled up to him. he woke up and put his arm around me and kissed me on the forehead. i kissed him on the lips. he woke up more and we began to kiss. baby we have to stop. he never stopped kissing me. i thought you didnt want to do it anymore.... i dont.... really?....i just want affection. that made him smile. then it dawned on me. he was in houston last week. did you see your ex, i asked him between kisses. huh?....did you see your ex last week?....yeah.... did you sleep with her?....no i didnt....why?...because we had just slept together and plus she was with my mom at the house when i was here...so you would have if it wasnt for your mom?...no baby we had just slept together and i dont get down like that... yeah fucking right the last person that told me that choked me two days ago.

I turned around that killed my mood. The more I talk to him the more I feel like a jump off. I dont want to be with her no more, I am interested in you. I could feel him looking at me but I refused to turn around. he had every right to sleep with her if he wanted but he didnt have to sleep with me to. Do you want her back?....No, hell no.. Will you please turn around? No. i didnt want to because i know if I did he would look at me and I would feel weak and lose. baby, i dont want...when is the last time you slept with her?...March 3 my homeboys birthday. you still have feelings? Not like that i dont want to be with her. I turned around. Why for some reason, i dont believe you?... because you dont trust me anyway, baby just give me a chance i havent done anything wrong. he was right. he kissed me and we know how that story went.

arriving at the complex was an ordeal. He made me drive his truck. Its a big ass Infiniti truck. its was really nice, i just hate driving big vehicles. The plan was to drop him off go and get breakfast with his sister and come back. I dropped him off and was on my way. I got back to his house (thank god for navigation) and I knocked at the door and his sister greeted me. She grabbed her stuff and we were out the door. We went to a spot called Ibiza for lunch. We talked and had good conversation. She told me her brother NEVER lets his family meet the chics he is with. Her mom is off the chain with the women and her dad is off the chain with the men she meets. She also mentioned that her mom and his ex are still close and hang out, which he hates. She told me about her boyfriend and their issues.

I suggested that we all go out to dinner that night. She called her man and suggested a restaurant and booked reservations at Ruth chris. I called him and left a message and went to the mall to find something to wear. The mall was huge and had stores like Carolina Herrea, Chanel, Gucci. I had Brians card but I couldnt use it because it would let him no were I am was. I could be bold and use it, but i wouldnt. If I was spending his money it would have been Louis Vuitton or Gucci but since it was mine I took my ass to old faithful....bebe.

I got a dress and accessories to match shoes I had with me and we left the mall. We were at Starbucks having coffee when he called me back he told he has something to do after practice and that he would meet us there. He also asked me to add a couple of people to the reservation. Baby I completely forgot to leave you money this morning I am sorry.... its cool....i wasnt even thinking about it we will go tomorrow...its cool... you dont understand we got some of the best shopping......its cool. alright baby i miss you i will see you tonight. leave me money? what am i a escort?

we chilled most of the day and got ready. We looked really cute. We waited for her boyfriend to come and headed to the restaurant together. We were standing by the door when Jay came around the corner with some flowers, how sweet! He was joined by two additional couples. He kissed me and we went to our seats. We had a good dinner and went to a bar. We had a couple of drinks and went back to his teammates house. It was in the same area as Jay's and just as large. The guys went into the game room which was a short distance from the pool. The girls started grilling me about us and there was really nothing to tell. Meanwhile the guys were laughing having a good time. They seemed really cool and they were telling me about his ex. Sheila was her name. From what they said she was gorgeous and a gold digger. He gave her everything that she wanted, but she put the pressure on to much about marriage. That and the fact she was spending way too much of his money.

It was getting late and Jay came over and told me he was ready to go. I exchanged numbers with the girls and left. We packed up and made it the short distance to his house. I was tired and I know he had to be. We said our goodbyes and went upstairs. we went straight to bed. I woke up in the morning with a slight headache and the phone was ringing. It was Jay to tell me he left me money and I could take the car if i wanted. He also said he missed me and he would be home around 3. I put my glasses on and turned on the TV. I watched MTV for awhile and I smelled food. I went downstairs and heard conversation. I walked in the kitchen and saw a beautiful honey colored woman and his mom sitting at the table. Hi I said and his mom introduced me to Sheila. WHAT THE F!!!!!!!!! HOLY INAPPROPRIATNESS!!!! My mind was racing. Isnt his ex name Sheila? She was gorgeous. what was she doing here? his mom told me to grab a plate and join them. OH HELL NAWWW! I am from the south I did say naw!!!

I grabbed a plate and sat down. His mom went on to say that this was his ex and she stopped by. Stopped by? Exes dont stop by. She is playing real fucking dirty. I took one nibble of the panckae and noticed they werent eating. I put my fork down. this bitch is scandolous. she probably poisoned the food. They were exchanging memories and laughing it up like old friends. I was so digusted. I said my goodbyes and went upstairs. I cant take this. I had to come up with something. i needed to come up with a plan and quick. I thought about calling Jay and telling him what happened. I didnt. i sat on the bed and thought this shit, maybe this was for the best. i felt like a jump off anyway, its clear his mom didnt like me and he was still talking to her up until recently. an hour later I cooled down, got in the shower and got dressed. I went downstairs to see if anyone was in the house. the coast was seemingly clear. i went into the office and began to look for a phone book. I found one and got the number to a cab company. I wrote that down along with hotel information. I made a reservation at the ICON and called a cab. I had to leave quick because I didnt want anything to stop me. 15 minutes later and cab pulled up and I was gone. I grabbed some lunch and went to the hotel. I was still mad. I have never in my life been through this.

I put my things down and chilled out for a bit. My trip is going to be cut short. I looked up flight information, called the airlines, and got a flight for the next morning. He called me at 2:30 and told me he was on the way home. I told him okay and I will see him later. I guess he didnt know how much later. He called back around 3:20 pm and asked me where i was. I told him that i didnt really want to talk, he was talking to the wrong person, that his mom would know everything with that I hung up.

He called me back 15 minutes later. Baby....silence from me...baby, my mom isnt here. what happened. I went downstairs and your ex girlfriend and your mom were having breakfast and i didnt want to be apart of it. WHAT!!! What the fuck! baby i am so sorry. i...Jay I just got out of a super fucked up situation. I didnt come to Houston to be in another one. I cant do this. we need a break. period. i will not do this again. until your mom get over your ex and you get over your ex, please dont call me. period.....Baby look i... I hung up and turned my phone off. No tolerance. i took myself out to dinner chilled in the hotel and caught my flight in the morning.

What did I tell you about pro athletes? Drama!!!

twisted love tale part deux

i havent really been fucking with brian. i just dont want to. he is crazy. now that i am not there as much he is crazier. granted he has been out of town and i havent been at his house. i hate being at his house alone its big and i am such a scaredy cat when it comes to be alone.

i have been kicking with the new guy, who has been spoiling me. not money wise but just with attention and affection. after the times we have had sex i was really uncomfortable. i felt a little whorish. i gave it up kinda quick. he called me when i was in class and told me that we were going to dinner at Dolce and then drinks at The grape wine bar with a couple of his friends. i told him i wouldnt have time to go home nor did i want to go brians to get clothes, he suggested that we meet at the boutique in Atlantic Station and I could get something to wear.

An hour later we meet I changed met his friends at Dolce. we had so much fun and the food was good. we had a few drinks and headed back to his house. when we got there i went straight to the kitchen and popped open another bottle of wine. he gave me a look. What? i said... Can I ask you something?.... Yeah?.... Why do you drink so much?... I gave him a look. Whats going on? you dont even get drunk from what i can tell but you drink a lot. I walked away. i wasnt in the mood for him to be on some daddy shit. he followed me into the bathroom. he came up behind grabbed my waist and kissed me on the back of my neck and took the drink out my hand. Is the man crazy? you wanna talk about it?.... no i dont. there is nothing to talk about. with that statement i took my drink and walked away. i went to his closet and got a tshirt and started to put it on. he stood in the closet door watching me. what? i asked he said nothing. what? i asked again. nothing he said. he sat on the bed. i changed and sat on the bed. can you stop drinking so much please? I looked him picked up my drink and said sure as i took a sip. i dont take kindly to men telling me what to do. he laughed and with that came over the nitestand where I had put my drink picked it up and walked away. he has lost it. he went into the bathroom and poured my drink down the sink. a perfectly good glass of wine gone! i am pissed.

he went into his closet and changed. if looks could kill he would have dropped dead. he got in the bed, kissed me on my forehead and turned on the TV. i didnt say anything. it was late, i saw that he was really being caring and i went to sleep. i woke up with the sun beaming on my face. damn i had a bad headache too. he was holding me. he is sweet. i moved and he mumbled something. i shook him and told him to wake up and began to talk. i have been through so much in the past two years and i know that i have a problem with drinking but i am not ready to stop. not until I can make things better....what do you need?... i need to make things better by myself. i dont want help but i know i need it. baby what do you need help with? i felt the ball coming up in my throat. i dont want to talk about it anymore. he grabbed my hand but i jerked away and went to the bathroom.

i dont like getting help from anyone. just recently i started back dancing occasionally. i havent been into it. i dont want to do it. i will be STS (Summer Time Stripper) and thats all. its so embarassing because i feel like i am trying to spike lee (do the right thing) and it aint working and now i have to back to the underworld.

i let the tears flow. i wont allow myself to be dependent on anyone but me. i recently wrote a letter to my ex and told him the only thing i expect a man to do is lie, let me down, and buy me a drink. i am so heavy right now. he came into the bathroom and came behind me and gave a big hug. whenever somebody does that it makes me cry harder. i was balling. i am a hot ass mess.
he grabbed tissue and gave it to me. i was trying to gather myself. he asked me if i was okay and told him i needed a drink. he gave me a look and i laughed. he kissed me on my head and we got back in the bed. he had to go out of town and we would be back in two days. we said our goodbyes. i didnt want to stay here. the fact that he had gave me my extra key was scary.

i called nicole. i had kinda disassociated myself from her. she is so cool, but its something about her i dont trust. she asked me what i was up to and told her i was have been laying low. she told me that brian has been flipping because he dosent know where i am . i told her i was going over there later, if she wanted to meet me. " I am already here" WHAT THE F? it kinda shocked me. where is jason? right here sleeping. where is brian? i dont know i havent been out of the room. i am just not feeling this. i told her i would be over later. i took my time and got there around 6:30. i saw brians car and just wasnt in the mood. i was sitting in the car thinking about where i could go and nicole came out. whats up girl? bout time you came back. What the fuck is this bitch talking about she dosent even live here. girl the boys are back there grilling out! Come on! i got out, put my things down and went to the back yard. there were a couple of people out there i didnt know and brian was at that grill. LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN! nicole yelled with her big ass mouth. Brian yelled out, WOOOOW!, walking over giving me a hug. he whisphered in my ear, we need to talk. No shit. I already know there is going to be drama.

we were laughing and having a good time. i was trying to put my guard down but i know that i couldnt. brian walked over to me and grabbed my hand and pulled me inside. he pulled me into his office and closed the door. i stood against the door with my arms folded. baby i am sorry about all the shit i said. i feel like i am losing you and its driving me crazy. i love you. please dont be mad at me anymore. he sounded cute, but i wasnt falling for the banana in the tail pipe. i smiled and he grabbed my face and kissed me. he was getting really into and started pulling me towards the desk. i had just slept with the new guy a couple of days ago and dont want to go down that road. i stopped him and told him no, there was people outside. he said cool and we went back outside. the night was winding down and everybody was filing out. we went inside and hung out. nicole and jason went upstairs and me and brian layed on the sofa. he started to kiss me and i told him i had to pee. i didnt want to but i felt like if i didnt there would be problems. i went back into the living room and layed next to him. he started to kiss me and it didnt feel the same. he was really into it and finished quick. thank you jesus.

we went upstairs and got in the bed. brian feel asleep but i couldnt. i felt so bad that i slept with him. i felt like a slut. it made me cry.i didnt fall off to sleep until 4 am. i was sleep when brian left and slept most of the day. i got up and went to the wine bar down the street. i had a few glasses of riesling and went back to brians. everyone was chilling in the living room when i came in. i saw that they had already been drinking by the bottle of hennessey on the table. i went over to brian and gave him a kiss. baby we about to play pool. thats cool. i went upstairs and put my things down. i havent felt comfortable since i have been here. i heard the gang come upstairs to the pool room across the hall. BABY come on. i am coming i yelled back. i wasnt in the mood. i have to go. i cant though. i was in the closet looking for something for me to put on when my phone rang. it was my homegirl telling me about her day at work. brian came in and told me to hurry up. i looked at him and mouthed to him im coming. he stood there for a minute looking at me. god i wish he would stop that. he sucked his teeth and walked over to me grabbed my phone and hung it up.

why did you do that?... because your ass was taking to mutherfucking long, i told your ass to come on a long fucking time ago." ....whatever...i picked up the phone to call her back and apologize to her. he grabbed the phone and took it out my hand. STOP!!! i yelled. fuck that, who were you talking to anyway?... my friend.... well fuck her. just then jason peeked his head and told us to chill out and come on. we coming brian answered. whatever i said. you know your attitude is real fucked up baby you need to fix that shit. i looked at him and rolled my eyes. you gonna stop rolling your fucking eyes at me to he yelled at me as he put his finger in my face. i rolled my eyes as i was walking away. he grabbed me and i jerked away. he grabbed me again and slammed me against the wall next to the door. a pain i never felt shot through my back. when he slammed me into the wall my neck and head snapped back. he slapped me. i was was shocked. i told you not to do that shit no more,what the fuck is wrong with you! he grabbed me by neck and started to choke me. he was yelling something and tears were rolling out of his eyes. he kept saying he loved me but all i felt was the tears rolling out my eyes. i was trying to get his hands from my neck but i couldnt. he was squeezing my neck and started to black out. jason ran in and pulled him off of me. he pulled him away and i dropped to the ground. i was coughing and crying, nicole was talking but i swear i didnt know what she was saying. i was in shock. i sat there for a minute. my neck was on fire and my throat was in such indescrible pain. i told nicole to help me get my things. she ran around the room grabbing anything that she thought was mine. they came out of the bathroom and brian kept calling my name. nicole yelled out shut up you woman beater! i am sorry baby please listen to me. i didnt say a word. i grabbed my keys that were on the floor. i ran down the steps and out the house i jumped in my car and took off. i didnt make it far because i pulled on a side street and cried. i was hurt. he tried to kill me. if jason hadnt pulled him off of me he would have killed me.

i got it together and jumped on the highway before i knew it i was at the new guys house. i went in. he wasnt there and i was glad. i got in the bed. i woke up to the door slamming. the new guy was here. shit i dont know how am i going to explain this shit. i looked over at the clock and it said 12:13 pm. everything on my body hurt. i felt like i had been hit by a car. i couldnt move. he came over to my side of the bed. i had the covers over my head. i pulled the covers down and to see his face. his smile turned to a frown quick. what happened? nothing. what is that mark on your face? nothing. he gave me a look. tell me what happened. me and brian had an argument last nite. i sat up and felt the back of my head, there was a knot.

he put his hands on you? No. why you have a mark on your face, bruises on your arm, and on your neck? i looked down and noticed the big ass bruises on my arm and my neck was still hurting. I am asking you again did he put his hands on you? I didnt know what to say. there was nothing i could say. yes or no? i looked down. he jumped up and got his keys. where is he? huh? where is he? i started to cry i couldnt go through this right now. where is he?.... please come here.please. please i kept saying in between my sobs. he stood there for a minute and came over. he grabbed me and hugged me. he was holding me. i felt like shit. i had been beat up by a derranged man and here i was with someone else. he got in the bed next to me. we were quiet. baby you know i am going to fuck him up right? i didnt say anything. can you start the shower for me? he kissed me on my forehead and started the shower. my back was killing me. he was in the bathroom getting me a towel and i took my shirt off and used the sink as a brace to take my pants off. he yells out, what the fuck!!! look at your back! i turned around and looked in the mirror and from what i can see i had a big bruise.

fuck that! he yelled and he grabbed his keys, where the fuck is he at? please dont.... dont what? you got a big ass bruise on your back, your neck and arms are fucked up, and there a bruise on your face. you want me to chill !this nigga put his hands on you. i started to cry. i am in bad shape and i dont know how to fix this shit.

committment issues? this may work UPDATED

to say that I had fun in LA would be an understatement. I wont reveal all the details but I can say this:

• Chilled with Jamie Foxx in VIP at the Skybar
• Sat at a table next to George Clooney and his girlfriend
• Saw Scott Caan eating breakfast at Swingers
• stayed in a house in the Hollywood Hills
• the house flooded like Hurricane Katrina
• Had the best sushi ever at Koi in Hollywood
• Seriously considering a move to LA

Another understatement would be the fight me and Brian had. I wasn't even yelling, he did at me the whole time. I learned a lot. He has been working a lot and thought that since he couldn't pay attention to me that i would find someone that would. he gives me no credit but rightfully so. i understand that he is working. since i didn't cancel the trip he kinda flipped and we argued before i left. he said a lot of mean things and hurt me. Nicole called and told me that they (her, Jason, and Brian) were in DC for the game.

he had never yelled at me like that before. i understood where he was coming from but still i cant take this. i don't know if i did something stupid. i called the new guy. he called me everyday while i was in LA and even gave me the hook up so we could get into certain clubs in LA. so when i called him crying, he was concerned. I should back up a little. The fashion show that I mentioned last week I went to and saw him there. It was a little awkward, but we both played it cool. after all ,the gang went. myself, Jason, Nicole, and Brian. it was fun. i need to say me and Brian haven't had sex since we went that party a couple of weeks ago and i am starting to wonder. i wouldn't be surprised if he was hooking up with chicks it would explain why he has been so crazy lately.

the day after the fashion show i went on a date with the new guy. he took me to the geisha house and we had a couple of cocktails later and conversation, it was nice. it was the first date i had been on in a million years. i really like him. now i am scared. i don't feel the butterflies for Brian. i don't know if i ever have. he has just become crazy. Saturday we drove to Chattanooga and spent the day there. Imagineer is what he is and i like it. all these things were his ideas and it felt good to have some one court me. i don't think i want a relationship well, i cant say that i don't know.... anyway....

i called him crying. me and Brian had a fight about everything. when i called and stumbled to get out what happened out he was real calm and met me at a restaurant close to my house. he suggested that i take my car home and chill with him. i did. he followed me home, I grabbed some clothes and left. we ended up back at his place. he lived in lofts in downtown Atlanta. his place was nice. it was a bachelor pad for sure. pool tables, video game systems, movies, the works. i sat on the sofa and turned on the TV or at least tried. he yelled out from the kitchen if i wanted something to drink and i told him no. i did but i wanted to watch him make my drink. i went to the kitchen and sat at the bar. i asked him if he had wine and he yes. he grabbed a glass and popped open the wine. it was Merlot, which i don't drink, but alcohol is alcohol.

he asked me what i wanted to do and i told him honestly didn't know. i thought about it and i suggested that we drink wine, sit on the balcony, and order take out. which we did. we talked about everything and laughed a lot. some of his neighbors came over and he put on some old school r&b like Jade, Guy, and Bobby Brown. We were laughing and had a good time doing the old school dances. the night passes so quickly when there is good conversation, wine, old school music. i was getting tired so i went and changed into my tshirt and girly boxers. i honestly didn't feel funny about spending the night with him because i have already did that. granted we kissed the whole night and slept maybe three hours but none the less.

i got in the bed and he got in the bed too. he played some tunes from his ipod stereo. soon Eric Roberson was filling the room. what he know about some Eric Roberson? he felt and smell so good laying next to me. my heart was being so hard i thought he could hear it. he grabbed me and pulled me close. i could have melted. he kissed me on the forehead and turned his head in the opposite direction. i just laid there. i was shocked. i am in the arms of a man i don't know anything about. i wish i could have gotten up and snooped but i knew that i couldn't get out of his grip.

It was the middle of the night when i first felt it. it was hard as a rock. my god. it has to be huge. i was kinda turned on. then i wondered were was the woman in his life. did i even care? my track record isn't that good and i don't want any surprises. i got up and went to the bathroom. i didn't have to pee but i looked for woman stuff. i ran the water and quietly opened the medicine cabinet. nothing. i opened the other cabinets under the sink. nothing. the bathroom closet. nothing. surely he has someone. he is pretty cool. maybe he is crazy..... i came out of the bathroom and went to the kitchen. i poured another glass of wine. maybe i am over analyzing this. i should just go with the flow. he isn't my man. i was freaking out because he gave me butterflies and i haven't had those in years. i don't want to do anything stupid. i walked to the balcony and stepped outside. it wasn't cold but there was a slight breeze. it felt good. i sat in the chairs and looked out at the sky. i am stressed. there is so much going on.

i was zoned out when he came on the balcony and sat in the chair next to me. i got up and went back to the bedroom. he was soon laying next to me. he was everywhere! I was trying to avoid him but that's hard to do in someone else's house. i laid down on his chest. he asked me if I was okay. i told him yes but that's not how i really felt. i looked up at him and kissed him. before i knew it my shirt was off and his was too. he stopped kissing me and i prayed to god that he didn't say anything stupid and he didn't. he didn't say anything at all. i asked him what was wrong and he told me it was getting heavy and he didn't know how far to go. that was sweet. at least he didn't say something completely stupid. i pulled him closer to me and he started to kiss me again. he was touching me softly. it was then i asked about a woman in his life. he said they broke up six months ago because he didn't want to marry her. whoa commitment issues just like me. this may work!!!!

he went on to say that it was because there were a lot of things that he didn't like and it wouldn't work especially in a marriage. oddly, enough that turned me on. he started to kiss me again this time and we didn't stop. he is real gentle and soft and i didn't hold my breath. he is a big guy but he made me feel relaxed. it was kinda rough starting out because my body is so weird. My va jay-jay closes up in a heartbeat. during the act he asked me if i was okay and said little sweet stuff. I don't think I have ever felt this relaxed since i lost my virginity 8 years ago. its weird. i never felt like this before. am i cheating? i think so. afterwards he held me so close and tight. i wanted to believe that he cared about me. maybe he did. to be on the safe side i assumed that he didn't. Guard ON!

i am starting already. i make the assumption that guys don't care to protect myself. i don't wont to be hurt so i think bad thoughts so i wont be attached. i didn't sleep at all. i laid there thinking that i had done something so completely wrong, the only thing is i didn't regret it. he woke up and and i told him to take me home. i had some running around to do and he told me he would like to kick it with me before i left. i wanted to be cold hearted but i couldn't. i went home grabbed my luggage and we went to eat. i felt awkward but okay. Brian didn't call. i knew he didn't care about me. i left and the new guy called the whole time i was in LA. he picked me up from the airport and we stopped and had a bite to eat. after dinner i decided that i wasn't going home and went to his house. we were in bed the whole day. he asked me what was i going to do about Brian. i honestly dont know. he told me that it seemed like i had made my choice, by hooking up with him. not really i am confused. he told me that he dosent have sex for nothing and he hopes this going can go somewhere. dios mios. whats a girl to do?

UPDATE

How the hell would he say he hopes it goes somewhere? I don't even want to think about that. I had finals tomorrow and i needed to go home and study. The new guy made a couple of phone calls from the living room and I laid there thinking. Did I do something dumb? I think I am a whore. Am I? I have only known him a week and already I am spending the night and having sex. Jesus!! He comes back in the bedroom and says to me we have a chance to do a once in a lifetime thing. I didn't want to know what it was because I have finals so if it happening after Thursday I wasn't trying to hear it. He yells out "We can go see the Hawks play tonight!" I gave him a look. "Come one now how many times are the Hawks ever going to be in the playoffs?" You right I said. We chilled out a little bit and left a little early for dinner and went to the game. We had excellent seats and the game was sooo good. Because I was getting along with him so well it made me nervous. Besides I don't know anything about him. What does he do? Does he have kids? Been married or divorced? Anything! He is a mystery. He is only a mystery because I haven't asked him anything because I didnt want him to ask me anything. He has tried to tell me things but I haven been responsive. We have good times, but maybe we shouldn't have had sex so soon. At dinner he told me he would be going back to Houston in July. I am suspecting he plays football. I hope not. We all know how I feel about football players. I don't want to be rude and look him up on the Internet because if I do and he is one I know attitude will become real stank. Next time we go out, I decided that I was going to drill him on certain things. Plus, I have to seriously consider falling back on the sex with him. The odd thing is, I didn't really know what was going with anything else my life but I like whats going on with this guy.

easy?....part 1 TWISTED LOVE TALE

brian is about 6'3, 235 muscle with huge dimples and hazel brown-green eyes. he is beautiful. he has these arm tattoos that i love. he always smells wonderful.

i knew that because i didnt cancel my trip there was going to be a problem. we fight because i wont give in. i have problems with that when i was younger i used to let men walk all over me and i wont budge on ANY thing now. i do mean ANY.

After i finished my post i went straight downstairs and poured myself a shot of patron. yes it was early in the day. 9 am to be exact, but i needed one. i did two shots and chased them with chardonnay. good combo. i am a alkie. i know, i am embracing it.

its hard to imagine my days without a drink. moving on. i sat at the bar in the kitchen. i looked around this house it is gorgeous. it was something out of desperate housewives of orange county. i sat around for an hour and finally got dressed and jumped in his car. i wanted to be away. i hate driving his car because i dont know how to operate anything. it was about fifteen minutes before i could leave. i really wanted to drive out of town to a beach. i am so stressed. i ended up at Starbucks. i got a large white chocolate mocha with no whip cream.

i wasnt in the mood for anything. i thought i wanted to shop but i didnt. i decided to drive downtown. it's not that far and i could crash at his condo. i finished my coffee. atlanta is so beautiful. i love it here but i am thinking about moving. i will think about that on my plane ride to LA.

as i was leaving brian called me. i didnt answer because i knew the question. i got downtown and it has changed so much from when i was a little girl. its so developed. i went to atlantic station and decided to go to my favorite coffee spot, PJ's. I dont know what they put in their coffee but its like crack. it was midday and i was able to park at the curb. i got out and across the street was this guy leaning against his car looking hella good.6'4, 240-250 ish muscles so big i could see them through his shirt. fashion wise he had a louis vuitton visor flipped up, tshirt, jeans, louis vuitton belt, and some tennis shoes. these shoes were crazy though....

i went in ordered a glass of wine and sat at the bar. its nothing like a glass of wine to relax me. the music they were playing was sweet. it was along the lines of DJ Shadow who i love. i ordered my second glass and i saw the fine dude come in. he sat right next to me. damn he smelled good. i tried not to look at him but i could feel him looking at me. you guys have to understand something since i have been depressed and drinking more, i have gained weight. i want to get back skinny but everybody likes it. with all this being said my self esteem and confidence has fallen by the way side. i dont expect to meet people and none to talk to me.

when i got my second glass and he spoke to me i was shocked. we started off with pleasentries and he was funny. he sounded like he was from new york. way back when i had a thing for new york men. their style, their speak, everything. he stood up and went to the bathroom. he reminded me of someone...i thought about it for a second and AZ the rapper came to mind. OMG did i love him. his style was sick.

it was nice to have someone to talk to. he asked me a lot of questions and seemed interested. i made sure to ask him about his shoes and he mentioned this japanese designer named ano something. hot!!!! i have to investigate that.... who knew! before i knew it an hour had passed he mentioned he was hungry and asked me if i wanted to go to lunch with him. i gave him a crazy look. he looked at me and said "dont be that way its only lunch, i dont want thing else but a little company." he was right but you know me i dont trust a soul. i asked him what he had in mind and he suggested strip or fox sports grill. i told him strip was nice.

we walked to strip and got a table on the patio. we ordered drinks and talked. we were one of the only few black people among the lunch crowd. he had good conversation . he ordered a steak and i had lobster tails. i was enjoying him, he was different. it was only two o' clock. what next? he asked me to go to nani senoruim with him. the store is a boutique and has a lot of clothes like missoni, local celebrity, etc. when we walked he received warm greetings. he gave the sales girl a hug and she gave me a look. i wasnt in the mood. plus she better get right i had on rag & bone jeans and a d & g top. bitch please. i went over to the womens section. they had cute stuff. i was looking around and was asking me what i thought about certain clothes. eveything he picked up was hot.

he had an armful of stuff and he asked me if i saw anything that i liked i did. i just met him. lunch was good but thats as far as it goes. i gave him a look. i picked a couple of shirts, i paid for my things and we left. "why you didnt let me get that for you?" he said as we left. i replied, "because i dont fuck strangers." woooow!! he yelled out. he stopped dead in his tracks. "and besides that im not broke" he threw his hands up and said, "its not like that." " i can tell you got youre thing going on, i could've got it for you." "next time" i replied. I am always leary of men so giving. "so whats good you want to go out tonight?" i gave him a look. "i will let you know", i said. "so its over?", he asked. "i will call you if i want to go out." with that he walked me to the car and put my things in. i gave him a handshake and he took my hand and kissed it. charming. He walked over and got in his car and drove over to me. i thought you should have my number, since you said you would call. We exchanged numbers.


maybe i will call him tonight. i wasnt ready to go home, but i did. i went to brians condo. it was exactly the way we left it. fucked up. he wasnt here. thank god. i sat around for a while. i was feeling stifled, so i poured a drink and went on the balcony. it was beautiful. i called jay. "whats up gorgeous?" he answered. that made me laugh. i wondered what his story was. he seemed nice. i dont want anything from him but to hang out. i didnt know what he wanted. we talked for a bit and i told him to meet me at the Savu in the W hotel. i got ready and left. i havent been to this hotel in a while. it was sooo nice. we meet in the lobby and went to the restaurant. i know that i am vulnerable. he told me i seemed distant. he was pushing me to talk about what was going on and i didnt. i feel like i cant breathe to be honest. i am so worried about taking care of my self and being successful its driving me crazy!


We had a lot of fun. the place is very trendy. we were talking and he suggested we cut out and go the luckie lounge. it was crazy in there. he walked in and knew everybody. i had completely forgot to ask him what he did for a living. he had athletic build. i am thinking he plays football. i wonder...... god I hope not. anyway groupie city. there were so many beautiful ladies. i felt intimidated and not pretty. contrary to all the shit i talk i got issues. we found a spot by the bar and hung out. after a few minutes of talking, he spotted one of his friends at a table and we went over. they greeted each other and we sat down. his friend was with this gorgoeus girl. i felt even uglier.

we were having fun. i was actually kinda tired and but i wasnt ready to leave. he suggested we chill at his house, because its really close, but i told him no. i couldnt even count how many drinks i had that day. a lot. i told him to take me back to the hotel so i could get my car. on the way he grabbed my hand and was attempting to hold it. i didnt like where this was going. it was the end of the night and he was probably trying to secure some ass for the remainder of the evening. no way!! we got back to the hotel and sat in the car. it didnt even seem like we had meet earlier in the day. brian was blowing my phone up. i was determined not to answer because i didnt want to argue. he asked me, "why are you avoiding ur boyfriend?" "I dont have one" he gave me a look and said "stop lying. "I dont" "so who been calling you all day?" i didnt say anything. "he is not my man" i said. "does he know that?" i shrugged my shoulders and looked out the window. "i dont want to fuck."i yelled out. "what? what are you talking about?" "I just want to chill. i dont want you to try fuck me." "I havent tried that, boo." "I know but i am just saying." my mind was racing. i wanted to go upstairs with him. i wanted to be away from everything just for a minute.

"lets stay here for tonight." i said. as soon as i said it i wish i didnt. he said, "cool but we not having sex," that made me smile. we got a room at a whopping 500.00. the room was beautiful. i just wanted to be close to someone. i sat on the bed. he looked around the room and sat on the edge of the bed. "Can i ask you a question?" "yeah" "what can i do for you that your man dont? my bad the one that is not your man." that made me smile again."nothing" i said. "aww no its something because youre here with me and if you were dealing with me full time you wouldnt be here whether i was your man or not. we been together all day basically what can i do for you right now?" i took a deep breathe. "kiss me and thats all." he smiled. he is a cutie. what the hell am i doing! he came close and he grabbed my hand and kissed it. he sat closer to me and that black code was doing something to me. he put his hand on my face and rubbed it and looked at me deeply. he got this whole seduction thing down. he came close and kissed me. it was so warm and it felt loving. we were kissing and it went from a simple kiss and to passion in a millisecond. he slowed down and we stopped. my heart was racing so fast i was almost out of breath. he grabbed my hand and kissed it. i knew then something was wrong with him. it took me awhile to figure out brians problem and it turned out to be insecurity and control and the new guy....i dont know yet.

"is that what you wanted?" he asked me. "yeah" "you feel like a cheater?" he asked me i didnt want to tell him the story because i would have to briefly tell the JR story and i didnt want to do that. I felt even more confused about my life after that kiss. yeah it was that good. i got up and grabbed my purse and told him i had to go. he got up and followed me to the door. "wait" as i got to the door he turned me around and began to kiss me. damn it. i am fucking not in control. we were leaning against the door. we were making out. it wasnt like passionate slutty high school teens. he was gentle with a touch of passion. i cant fuck a man i just met 10 hours earlier! i cant! i dont want to, do I? I know it makes no sense here I was in a luxurious room with him. I know.

i began to press on his chest to push him away. he got the hint and stopped. he was leaning over me. this black code shit should be illegal. clearly it is clouding my judgement. "I have to go", i said. "You sure" he asked me. "yes! i am not fucking you." you told me and i dont expect that. you told me you wanted kisses and that what im giving you."

he was right. i went over to the bed and plopped down. when did i become so...scattered. he came over and laid next to me. he looked at me and started to kiss me. the makeout session was on and popping. it felt good. i felt wanted. i didnt know him so i felt like a slut. with brian i used to feel wanted but everytime was have sex something happens. plus i feel like our sex is about control. we fight about something that has happened and he tries to control me even more, then we have sex. maybe somehow that is unhealthy.



when I entered this thing with brian it was different. we were different. we have both changed.now here i am semi cheating with the finest potential rapist on earth. it was already in the wee-wee (late night), he was a good kisser, it was getting intense. he wasnt touching me inapproiately. he was kissing me. i stopped for a minute and when i woke up it was ten in the morning. i was being held by this mystery person. all in all he seemed like a good guy. when i woke up he was looking at me. it has always been weird to wake up and have someone looking at you. he kissed me on my cheek and stared at me. this is weird. it just is. he told me my phone had been ringing all morning and made a smart ass comment about it. "you want some breakfast?" "yeah" i said. i was hungry as hell. the alcohol was needing some food. i washed my face and brushed my teeth (i always keep a travel kit with essentials) we headed to cafe intermezzo down the street. we had breakfast and continued to talk. i wanted to tell him about me and brian but i dont know him that well. he stated that part of the year he lives here and the other half he is in Houston. i didnt press him to tell me anything as far as career beause i didnt want to tell him about mine or lack thereof. he also stated that he was going to the fashion show at the Compound and I should come. No thanks. i dont do clubs, i explained. he said he didnt either but he was going to meet up with some of his old frat brothers and hang out.

i declined and told him i had to go because I had school. we said our goodbyes and i headed back to the condo. i changed into the clothes i bought yesterday and left. on the way to school i called brians sister. she was shocked when i told her i hadnt talked or seen brian since yesterday. as if she didnt know. she said he was really worried about me and i should call. i happily declined. i wasnt in the mood. i called nicole, she also said she was going to the fashion show and i should go. i didnt want to. i told her about me and brian, and she started laughing because he had called her to see if i was with her. damn maybe he really was worried. i felt bad, got off the phone with her and called him. "where you at?" was the first thing he said to me. no hi, hello, nothing. "i am on my way to school." "how the fuck are you on the way to school and you left your books at home?" i have my laptop." "where the fuck you been?" "away" "what the fuck is wrong with you? how the fuck you stay out all night and....... "easy" i said. this isnt going well. if he would have approached me different I would have melted and went back to his house. he didnt. so now i had to bitchy. "easy?...easy?....easy? what the fuck does that mean?" what the fuck is wrong with you? i hung up. i didnt want to hear this anymore. i was real bold because i was driving his car. i could have crashed that bitch if i wanted to. he called me back a million times.

i went to my PR writing class. i wasnt in the mood for the other two. i decided i needed to face the music. on the way back the new york cutie from a couple of posts ago called and told me that he was going to the fashion show and i should go. damn. everybody was making this out to be a fucking versace show. i pulled up and saw Jason's car. i took a deep breathe and went in. jason was on the sofa watching tv. he yelled out "whats up" and I went upstairs. i layed on the bed and drifted off to sleep. Brians rude ass slamming the door woke me up. he was putting his shit down on the dresser, when i turned around to look at him. he looked right through me. he came and sat on the bed right next to me.

he didnt say a word. he came close to me and kissed me on the cheek. i was bracing myself because i didnt know what he was going to do. "please dont do that again, okay?" he said. why is he acting like I ran away from home? i dont even live here. i shook my head, but i know this isnt the end of it.