brian is about 6'3, 235 muscle with huge dimples and hazel brown-green eyes. he is beautiful. he has these arm tattoos that i love. he always smells wonderful.
i knew that because i didnt cancel my trip there was going to be a problem. we fight because i wont give in. i have problems with that when i was younger i used to let men walk all over me and i wont budge on ANY thing now. i do mean ANY.
After i finished my post i went straight downstairs and poured myself a shot of patron. yes it was early in the day. 9 am to be exact, but i needed one. i did two shots and chased them with chardonnay. good combo. i am a alkie. i know, i am embracing it.
its hard to imagine my days without a drink. moving on. i sat at the bar in the kitchen. i looked around this house it is gorgeous. it was something out of desperate housewives of orange county. i sat around for an hour and finally got dressed and jumped in his car. i wanted to be away. i hate driving his car because i dont know how to operate anything. it was about fifteen minutes before i could leave. i really wanted to drive out of town to a beach. i am so stressed. i ended up at Starbucks. i got a large white chocolate mocha with no whip cream.
i wasnt in the mood for anything. i thought i wanted to shop but i didnt. i decided to drive downtown. it's not that far and i could crash at his condo. i finished my coffee. atlanta is so beautiful. i love it here but i am thinking about moving. i will think about that on my plane ride to LA.
as i was leaving brian called me. i didnt answer because i knew the question. i got downtown and it has changed so much from when i was a little girl. its so developed. i went to atlantic station and decided to go to my favorite coffee spot, PJ's. I dont know what they put in their coffee but its like crack. it was midday and i was able to park at the curb. i got out and across the street was this guy leaning against his car looking hella good.6'4, 240-250 ish muscles so big i could see them through his shirt. fashion wise he had a louis vuitton visor flipped up, tshirt, jeans, louis vuitton belt, and some tennis shoes. these shoes were crazy though....
i went in ordered a glass of wine and sat at the bar. its nothing like a glass of wine to relax me. the music they were playing was sweet. it was along the lines of DJ Shadow who i love. i ordered my second glass and i saw the fine dude come in. he sat right next to me. damn he smelled good. i tried not to look at him but i could feel him looking at me. you guys have to understand something since i have been depressed and drinking more, i have gained weight. i want to get back skinny but everybody likes it. with all this being said my self esteem and confidence has fallen by the way side. i dont expect to meet people and none to talk to me.
when i got my second glass and he spoke to me i was shocked. we started off with pleasentries and he was funny. he sounded like he was from new york. way back when i had a thing for new york men. their style, their speak, everything. he stood up and went to the bathroom. he reminded me of someone...i thought about it for a second and AZ the rapper came to mind. OMG did i love him. his style was sick.
it was nice to have someone to talk to. he asked me a lot of questions and seemed interested. i made sure to ask him about his shoes and he mentioned this japanese designer named ano something. hot!!!! i have to investigate that.... who knew! before i knew it an hour had passed he mentioned he was hungry and asked me if i wanted to go to lunch with him. i gave him a crazy look. he looked at me and said "dont be that way its only lunch, i dont want thing else but a little company." he was right but you know me i dont trust a soul. i asked him what he had in mind and he suggested strip or fox sports grill. i told him strip was nice.
we walked to strip and got a table on the patio. we ordered drinks and talked. we were one of the only few black people among the lunch crowd. he had good conversation . he ordered a steak and i had lobster tails. i was enjoying him, he was different. it was only two o' clock. what next? he asked me to go to nani senoruim with him. the store is a boutique and has a lot of clothes like missoni, local celebrity, etc. when we walked he received warm greetings. he gave the sales girl a hug and she gave me a look. i wasnt in the mood. plus she better get right i had on rag & bone jeans and a d & g top. bitch please. i went over to the womens section. they had cute stuff. i was looking around and was asking me what i thought about certain clothes. eveything he picked up was hot.
he had an armful of stuff and he asked me if i saw anything that i liked i did. i just met him. lunch was good but thats as far as it goes. i gave him a look. i picked a couple of shirts, i paid for my things and we left. "why you didnt let me get that for you?" he said as we left. i replied, "because i dont fuck strangers." woooow!! he yelled out. he stopped dead in his tracks. "and besides that im not broke" he threw his hands up and said, "its not like that." " i can tell you got youre thing going on, i could've got it for you." "next time" i replied. I am always leary of men so giving. "so whats good you want to go out tonight?" i gave him a look. "i will let you know", i said. "so its over?", he asked. "i will call you if i want to go out." with that he walked me to the car and put my things in. i gave him a handshake and he took my hand and kissed it. charming. He walked over and got in his car and drove over to me. i thought you should have my number, since you said you would call. We exchanged numbers.
maybe i will call him tonight. i wasnt ready to go home, but i did. i went to brians condo. it was exactly the way we left it. fucked up. he wasnt here. thank god. i sat around for a while. i was feeling stifled, so i poured a drink and went on the balcony. it was beautiful. i called jay. "whats up gorgeous?" he answered. that made me laugh. i wondered what his story was. he seemed nice. i dont want anything from him but to hang out. i didnt know what he wanted. we talked for a bit and i told him to meet me at the Savu in the W hotel. i got ready and left. i havent been to this hotel in a while. it was sooo nice. we meet in the lobby and went to the restaurant. i know that i am vulnerable. he told me i seemed distant. he was pushing me to talk about what was going on and i didnt. i feel like i cant breathe to be honest. i am so worried about taking care of my self and being successful its driving me crazy!
We had a lot of fun. the place is very trendy. we were talking and he suggested we cut out and go the luckie lounge. it was crazy in there. he walked in and knew everybody. i had completely forgot to ask him what he did for a living. he had athletic build. i am thinking he plays football. i wonder...... god I hope not. anyway groupie city. there were so many beautiful ladies. i felt intimidated and not pretty. contrary to all the shit i talk i got issues. we found a spot by the bar and hung out. after a few minutes of talking, he spotted one of his friends at a table and we went over. they greeted each other and we sat down. his friend was with this gorgoeus girl. i felt even uglier.
we were having fun. i was actually kinda tired and but i wasnt ready to leave. he suggested we chill at his house, because its really close, but i told him no. i couldnt even count how many drinks i had that day. a lot. i told him to take me back to the hotel so i could get my car. on the way he grabbed my hand and was attempting to hold it. i didnt like where this was going. it was the end of the night and he was probably trying to secure some ass for the remainder of the evening. no way!! we got back to the hotel and sat in the car. it didnt even seem like we had meet earlier in the day. brian was blowing my phone up. i was determined not to answer because i didnt want to argue. he asked me, "why are you avoiding ur boyfriend?" "I dont have one" he gave me a look and said "stop lying. "I dont" "so who been calling you all day?" i didnt say anything. "he is not my man" i said. "does he know that?" i shrugged my shoulders and looked out the window. "i dont want to fuck."i yelled out. "what? what are you talking about?" "I just want to chill. i dont want you to try fuck me." "I havent tried that, boo." "I know but i am just saying." my mind was racing. i wanted to go upstairs with him. i wanted to be away from everything just for a minute.
"lets stay here for tonight." i said. as soon as i said it i wish i didnt. he said, "cool but we not having sex," that made me smile. we got a room at a whopping 500.00. the room was beautiful. i just wanted to be close to someone. i sat on the bed. he looked around the room and sat on the edge of the bed. "Can i ask you a question?" "yeah" "what can i do for you that your man dont? my bad the one that is not your man." that made me smile again."nothing" i said. "aww no its something because youre here with me and if you were dealing with me full time you wouldnt be here whether i was your man or not. we been together all day basically what can i do for you right now?" i took a deep breathe. "kiss me and thats all." he smiled. he is a cutie. what the hell am i doing! he came close and he grabbed my hand and kissed it. he sat closer to me and that black code was doing something to me. he put his hand on my face and rubbed it and looked at me deeply. he got this whole seduction thing down. he came close and kissed me. it was so warm and it felt loving. we were kissing and it went from a simple kiss and to passion in a millisecond. he slowed down and we stopped. my heart was racing so fast i was almost out of breath. he grabbed my hand and kissed it. i knew then something was wrong with him. it took me awhile to figure out brians problem and it turned out to be insecurity and control and the new guy....i dont know yet.
"is that what you wanted?" he asked me. "yeah" "you feel like a cheater?" he asked me i didnt want to tell him the story because i would have to briefly tell the JR story and i didnt want to do that. I felt even more confused about my life after that kiss. yeah it was that good. i got up and grabbed my purse and told him i had to go. he got up and followed me to the door. "wait" as i got to the door he turned me around and began to kiss me. damn it. i am fucking not in control. we were leaning against the door. we were making out. it wasnt like passionate slutty high school teens. he was gentle with a touch of passion. i cant fuck a man i just met 10 hours earlier! i cant! i dont want to, do I? I know it makes no sense here I was in a luxurious room with him. I know.
i began to press on his chest to push him away. he got the hint and stopped. he was leaning over me. this black code shit should be illegal. clearly it is clouding my judgement. "I have to go", i said. "You sure" he asked me. "yes! i am not fucking you." you told me and i dont expect that. you told me you wanted kisses and that what im giving you."
he was right. i went over to the bed and plopped down. when did i become so...scattered. he came over and laid next to me. he looked at me and started to kiss me. the makeout session was on and popping. it felt good. i felt wanted. i didnt know him so i felt like a slut. with brian i used to feel wanted but everytime was have sex something happens. plus i feel like our sex is about control. we fight about something that has happened and he tries to control me even more, then we have sex. maybe somehow that is unhealthy.
when I entered this thing with brian it was different. we were different. we have both changed.now here i am semi cheating with the finest potential rapist on earth. it was already in the wee-wee (late night), he was a good kisser, it was getting intense. he wasnt touching me inapproiately. he was kissing me. i stopped for a minute and when i woke up it was ten in the morning. i was being held by this mystery person. all in all he seemed like a good guy. when i woke up he was looking at me. it has always been weird to wake up and have someone looking at you. he kissed me on my cheek and stared at me. this is weird. it just is. he told me my phone had been ringing all morning and made a smart ass comment about it. "you want some breakfast?" "yeah" i said. i was hungry as hell. the alcohol was needing some food. i washed my face and brushed my teeth (i always keep a travel kit with essentials) we headed to cafe intermezzo down the street. we had breakfast and continued to talk. i wanted to tell him about me and brian but i dont know him that well. he stated that part of the year he lives here and the other half he is in Houston. i didnt press him to tell me anything as far as career beause i didnt want to tell him about mine or lack thereof. he also stated that he was going to the fashion show at the Compound and I should come. No thanks. i dont do clubs, i explained. he said he didnt either but he was going to meet up with some of his old frat brothers and hang out.
i declined and told him i had to go because I had school. we said our goodbyes and i headed back to the condo. i changed into the clothes i bought yesterday and left. on the way to school i called brians sister. she was shocked when i told her i hadnt talked or seen brian since yesterday. as if she didnt know. she said he was really worried about me and i should call. i happily declined. i wasnt in the mood. i called nicole, she also said she was going to the fashion show and i should go. i didnt want to. i told her about me and brian, and she started laughing because he had called her to see if i was with her. damn maybe he really was worried. i felt bad, got off the phone with her and called him. "where you at?" was the first thing he said to me. no hi, hello, nothing. "i am on my way to school." "how the fuck are you on the way to school and you left your books at home?" i have my laptop." "where the fuck you been?" "away" "what the fuck is wrong with you? how the fuck you stay out all night and....... "easy" i said. this isnt going well. if he would have approached me different I would have melted and went back to his house. he didnt. so now i had to bitchy. "easy?...easy?....easy? what the fuck does that mean?" what the fuck is wrong with you? i hung up. i didnt want to hear this anymore. i was real bold because i was driving his car. i could have crashed that bitch if i wanted to. he called me back a million times.
i went to my PR writing class. i wasnt in the mood for the other two. i decided i needed to face the music. on the way back the new york cutie from a couple of posts ago called and told me that he was going to the fashion show and i should go. damn. everybody was making this out to be a fucking versace show. i pulled up and saw Jason's car. i took a deep breathe and went in. jason was on the sofa watching tv. he yelled out "whats up" and I went upstairs. i layed on the bed and drifted off to sleep. Brians rude ass slamming the door woke me up. he was putting his shit down on the dresser, when i turned around to look at him. he looked right through me. he came and sat on the bed right next to me.
he didnt say a word. he came close to me and kissed me on the cheek. i was bracing myself because i didnt know what he was going to do. "please dont do that again, okay?" he said. why is he acting like I ran away from home? i dont even live here. i shook my head, but i know this isnt the end of it.
