i havent really been fucking with brian. i just dont want to. he is crazy. now that i am not there as much he is crazier. granted he has been out of town and i havent been at his house. i hate being at his house alone its big and i am such a scaredy cat when it comes to be alone.
i have been kicking with the new guy, who has been spoiling me. not money wise but just with attention and affection. after the times we have had sex i was really uncomfortable. i felt a little whorish. i gave it up kinda quick. he called me when i was in class and told me that we were going to dinner at Dolce and then drinks at The grape wine bar with a couple of his friends. i told him i wouldnt have time to go home nor did i want to go brians to get clothes, he suggested that we meet at the boutique in Atlantic Station and I could get something to wear.
An hour later we meet I changed met his friends at Dolce. we had so much fun and the food was good. we had a few drinks and headed back to his house. when we got there i went straight to the kitchen and popped open another bottle of wine. he gave me a look. What? i said... Can I ask you something?.... Yeah?.... Why do you drink so much?... I gave him a look. Whats going on? you dont even get drunk from what i can tell but you drink a lot. I walked away. i wasnt in the mood for him to be on some daddy shit. he followed me into the bathroom. he came up behind grabbed my waist and kissed me on the back of my neck and took the drink out my hand. Is the man crazy? you wanna talk about it?.... no i dont. there is nothing to talk about. with that statement i took my drink and walked away. i went to his closet and got a tshirt and started to put it on. he stood in the closet door watching me. what? i asked he said nothing. what? i asked again. nothing he said. he sat on the bed. i changed and sat on the bed. can you stop drinking so much please? I looked him picked up my drink and said sure as i took a sip. i dont take kindly to men telling me what to do. he laughed and with that came over the nitestand where I had put my drink picked it up and walked away. he has lost it. he went into the bathroom and poured my drink down the sink. a perfectly good glass of wine gone! i am pissed.
he went into his closet and changed. if looks could kill he would have dropped dead. he got in the bed, kissed me on my forehead and turned on the TV. i didnt say anything. it was late, i saw that he was really being caring and i went to sleep. i woke up with the sun beaming on my face. damn i had a bad headache too. he was holding me. he is sweet. i moved and he mumbled something. i shook him and told him to wake up and began to talk. i have been through so much in the past two years and i know that i have a problem with drinking but i am not ready to stop. not until I can make things better....what do you need?... i need to make things better by myself. i dont want help but i know i need it. baby what do you need help with? i felt the ball coming up in my throat. i dont want to talk about it anymore. he grabbed my hand but i jerked away and went to the bathroom.
i dont like getting help from anyone. just recently i started back dancing occasionally. i havent been into it. i dont want to do it. i will be STS (Summer Time Stripper) and thats all. its so embarassing because i feel like i am trying to spike lee (do the right thing) and it aint working and now i have to back to the underworld.
i let the tears flow. i wont allow myself to be dependent on anyone but me. i recently wrote a letter to my ex and told him the only thing i expect a man to do is lie, let me down, and buy me a drink. i am so heavy right now. he came into the bathroom and came behind me and gave a big hug. whenever somebody does that it makes me cry harder. i was balling. i am a hot ass mess.
he grabbed tissue and gave it to me. i was trying to gather myself. he asked me if i was okay and told him i needed a drink. he gave me a look and i laughed. he kissed me on my head and we got back in the bed. he had to go out of town and we would be back in two days. we said our goodbyes. i didnt want to stay here. the fact that he had gave me my extra key was scary.
i called nicole. i had kinda disassociated myself from her. she is so cool, but its something about her i dont trust. she asked me what i was up to and told her i was have been laying low. she told me that brian has been flipping because he dosent know where i am . i told her i was going over there later, if she wanted to meet me. " I am already here" WHAT THE F? it kinda shocked me. where is jason? right here sleeping. where is brian? i dont know i havent been out of the room. i am just not feeling this. i told her i would be over later. i took my time and got there around 6:30. i saw brians car and just wasnt in the mood. i was sitting in the car thinking about where i could go and nicole came out. whats up girl? bout time you came back. What the fuck is this bitch talking about she dosent even live here. girl the boys are back there grilling out! Come on! i got out, put my things down and went to the back yard. there were a couple of people out there i didnt know and brian was at that grill. LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN! nicole yelled with her big ass mouth. Brian yelled out, WOOOOW!, walking over giving me a hug. he whisphered in my ear, we need to talk. No shit. I already know there is going to be drama.
we were laughing and having a good time. i was trying to put my guard down but i know that i couldnt. brian walked over to me and grabbed my hand and pulled me inside. he pulled me into his office and closed the door. i stood against the door with my arms folded. baby i am sorry about all the shit i said. i feel like i am losing you and its driving me crazy. i love you. please dont be mad at me anymore. he sounded cute, but i wasnt falling for the banana in the tail pipe. i smiled and he grabbed my face and kissed me. he was getting really into and started pulling me towards the desk. i had just slept with the new guy a couple of days ago and dont want to go down that road. i stopped him and told him no, there was people outside. he said cool and we went back outside. the night was winding down and everybody was filing out. we went inside and hung out. nicole and jason went upstairs and me and brian layed on the sofa. he started to kiss me and i told him i had to pee. i didnt want to but i felt like if i didnt there would be problems. i went back into the living room and layed next to him. he started to kiss me and it didnt feel the same. he was really into it and finished quick. thank you jesus.
we went upstairs and got in the bed. brian feel asleep but i couldnt. i felt so bad that i slept with him. i felt like a slut. it made me cry.i didnt fall off to sleep until 4 am. i was sleep when brian left and slept most of the day. i got up and went to the wine bar down the street. i had a few glasses of riesling and went back to brians. everyone was chilling in the living room when i came in. i saw that they had already been drinking by the bottle of hennessey on the table. i went over to brian and gave him a kiss. baby we about to play pool. thats cool. i went upstairs and put my things down. i havent felt comfortable since i have been here. i heard the gang come upstairs to the pool room across the hall. BABY come on. i am coming i yelled back. i wasnt in the mood. i have to go. i cant though. i was in the closet looking for something for me to put on when my phone rang. it was my homegirl telling me about her day at work. brian came in and told me to hurry up. i looked at him and mouthed to him im coming. he stood there for a minute looking at me. god i wish he would stop that. he sucked his teeth and walked over to me grabbed my phone and hung it up.
why did you do that?... because your ass was taking to mutherfucking long, i told your ass to come on a long fucking time ago." ....whatever...i picked up the phone to call her back and apologize to her. he grabbed the phone and took it out my hand. STOP!!! i yelled. fuck that, who were you talking to anyway?... my friend.... well fuck her. just then jason peeked his head and told us to chill out and come on. we coming brian answered. whatever i said. you know your attitude is real fucked up baby you need to fix that shit. i looked at him and rolled my eyes. you gonna stop rolling your fucking eyes at me to he yelled at me as he put his finger in my face. i rolled my eyes as i was walking away. he grabbed me and i jerked away. he grabbed me again and slammed me against the wall next to the door. a pain i never felt shot through my back. when he slammed me into the wall my neck and head snapped back. he slapped me. i was was shocked. i told you not to do that shit no more,what the fuck is wrong with you! he grabbed me by neck and started to choke me. he was yelling something and tears were rolling out of his eyes. he kept saying he loved me but all i felt was the tears rolling out my eyes. i was trying to get his hands from my neck but i couldnt. he was squeezing my neck and started to black out. jason ran in and pulled him off of me. he pulled him away and i dropped to the ground. i was coughing and crying, nicole was talking but i swear i didnt know what she was saying. i was in shock. i sat there for a minute. my neck was on fire and my throat was in such indescrible pain. i told nicole to help me get my things. she ran around the room grabbing anything that she thought was mine. they came out of the bathroom and brian kept calling my name. nicole yelled out shut up you woman beater! i am sorry baby please listen to me. i didnt say a word. i grabbed my keys that were on the floor. i ran down the steps and out the house i jumped in my car and took off. i didnt make it far because i pulled on a side street and cried. i was hurt. he tried to kill me. if jason hadnt pulled him off of me he would have killed me.
i got it together and jumped on the highway before i knew it i was at the new guys house. i went in. he wasnt there and i was glad. i got in the bed. i woke up to the door slamming. the new guy was here. shit i dont know how am i going to explain this shit. i looked over at the clock and it said 12:13 pm. everything on my body hurt. i felt like i had been hit by a car. i couldnt move. he came over to my side of the bed. i had the covers over my head. i pulled the covers down and to see his face. his smile turned to a frown quick. what happened? nothing. what is that mark on your face? nothing. he gave me a look. tell me what happened. me and brian had an argument last nite. i sat up and felt the back of my head, there was a knot.
he put his hands on you? No. why you have a mark on your face, bruises on your arm, and on your neck? i looked down and noticed the big ass bruises on my arm and my neck was still hurting. I am asking you again did he put his hands on you? I didnt know what to say. there was nothing i could say. yes or no? i looked down. he jumped up and got his keys. where is he? huh? where is he? i started to cry i couldnt go through this right now. where is he?.... please come here.please. please i kept saying in between my sobs. he stood there for a minute and came over. he grabbed me and hugged me. he was holding me. i felt like shit. i had been beat up by a derranged man and here i was with someone else. he got in the bed next to me. we were quiet. baby you know i am going to fuck him up right? i didnt say anything. can you start the shower for me? he kissed me on my forehead and started the shower. my back was killing me. he was in the bathroom getting me a towel and i took my shirt off and used the sink as a brace to take my pants off. he yells out, what the fuck!!! look at your back! i turned around and looked in the mirror and from what i can see i had a big bruise.
fuck that! he yelled and he grabbed his keys, where the fuck is he at? please dont.... dont what? you got a big ass bruise on your back, your neck and arms are fucked up, and there a bruise on your face. you want me to chill !this nigga put his hands on you. i started to cry. i am in bad shape and i dont know how to fix this shit.
