committment issues? this may work UPDATED

to say that I had fun in LA would be an understatement. I wont reveal all the details but I can say this:

• Chilled with Jamie Foxx in VIP at the Skybar
• Sat at a table next to George Clooney and his girlfriend
• Saw Scott Caan eating breakfast at Swingers
• stayed in a house in the Hollywood Hills
• the house flooded like Hurricane Katrina
• Had the best sushi ever at Koi in Hollywood
• Seriously considering a move to LA

Another understatement would be the fight me and Brian had. I wasn't even yelling, he did at me the whole time. I learned a lot. He has been working a lot and thought that since he couldn't pay attention to me that i would find someone that would. he gives me no credit but rightfully so. i understand that he is working. since i didn't cancel the trip he kinda flipped and we argued before i left. he said a lot of mean things and hurt me. Nicole called and told me that they (her, Jason, and Brian) were in DC for the game.

he had never yelled at me like that before. i understood where he was coming from but still i cant take this. i don't know if i did something stupid. i called the new guy. he called me everyday while i was in LA and even gave me the hook up so we could get into certain clubs in LA. so when i called him crying, he was concerned. I should back up a little. The fashion show that I mentioned last week I went to and saw him there. It was a little awkward, but we both played it cool. after all ,the gang went. myself, Jason, Nicole, and Brian. it was fun. i need to say me and Brian haven't had sex since we went that party a couple of weeks ago and i am starting to wonder. i wouldn't be surprised if he was hooking up with chicks it would explain why he has been so crazy lately.

the day after the fashion show i went on a date with the new guy. he took me to the geisha house and we had a couple of cocktails later and conversation, it was nice. it was the first date i had been on in a million years. i really like him. now i am scared. i don't feel the butterflies for Brian. i don't know if i ever have. he has just become crazy. Saturday we drove to Chattanooga and spent the day there. Imagineer is what he is and i like it. all these things were his ideas and it felt good to have some one court me. i don't think i want a relationship well, i cant say that i don't know.... anyway....

i called him crying. me and Brian had a fight about everything. when i called and stumbled to get out what happened out he was real calm and met me at a restaurant close to my house. he suggested that i take my car home and chill with him. i did. he followed me home, I grabbed some clothes and left. we ended up back at his place. he lived in lofts in downtown Atlanta. his place was nice. it was a bachelor pad for sure. pool tables, video game systems, movies, the works. i sat on the sofa and turned on the TV or at least tried. he yelled out from the kitchen if i wanted something to drink and i told him no. i did but i wanted to watch him make my drink. i went to the kitchen and sat at the bar. i asked him if he had wine and he yes. he grabbed a glass and popped open the wine. it was Merlot, which i don't drink, but alcohol is alcohol.

he asked me what i wanted to do and i told him honestly didn't know. i thought about it and i suggested that we drink wine, sit on the balcony, and order take out. which we did. we talked about everything and laughed a lot. some of his neighbors came over and he put on some old school r&b like Jade, Guy, and Bobby Brown. We were laughing and had a good time doing the old school dances. the night passes so quickly when there is good conversation, wine, old school music. i was getting tired so i went and changed into my tshirt and girly boxers. i honestly didn't feel funny about spending the night with him because i have already did that. granted we kissed the whole night and slept maybe three hours but none the less.

i got in the bed and he got in the bed too. he played some tunes from his ipod stereo. soon Eric Roberson was filling the room. what he know about some Eric Roberson? he felt and smell so good laying next to me. my heart was being so hard i thought he could hear it. he grabbed me and pulled me close. i could have melted. he kissed me on the forehead and turned his head in the opposite direction. i just laid there. i was shocked. i am in the arms of a man i don't know anything about. i wish i could have gotten up and snooped but i knew that i couldn't get out of his grip.

It was the middle of the night when i first felt it. it was hard as a rock. my god. it has to be huge. i was kinda turned on. then i wondered were was the woman in his life. did i even care? my track record isn't that good and i don't want any surprises. i got up and went to the bathroom. i didn't have to pee but i looked for woman stuff. i ran the water and quietly opened the medicine cabinet. nothing. i opened the other cabinets under the sink. nothing. the bathroom closet. nothing. surely he has someone. he is pretty cool. maybe he is crazy..... i came out of the bathroom and went to the kitchen. i poured another glass of wine. maybe i am over analyzing this. i should just go with the flow. he isn't my man. i was freaking out because he gave me butterflies and i haven't had those in years. i don't want to do anything stupid. i walked to the balcony and stepped outside. it wasn't cold but there was a slight breeze. it felt good. i sat in the chairs and looked out at the sky. i am stressed. there is so much going on.

i was zoned out when he came on the balcony and sat in the chair next to me. i got up and went back to the bedroom. he was soon laying next to me. he was everywhere! I was trying to avoid him but that's hard to do in someone else's house. i laid down on his chest. he asked me if I was okay. i told him yes but that's not how i really felt. i looked up at him and kissed him. before i knew it my shirt was off and his was too. he stopped kissing me and i prayed to god that he didn't say anything stupid and he didn't. he didn't say anything at all. i asked him what was wrong and he told me it was getting heavy and he didn't know how far to go. that was sweet. at least he didn't say something completely stupid. i pulled him closer to me and he started to kiss me again. he was touching me softly. it was then i asked about a woman in his life. he said they broke up six months ago because he didn't want to marry her. whoa commitment issues just like me. this may work!!!!

he went on to say that it was because there were a lot of things that he didn't like and it wouldn't work especially in a marriage. oddly, enough that turned me on. he started to kiss me again this time and we didn't stop. he is real gentle and soft and i didn't hold my breath. he is a big guy but he made me feel relaxed. it was kinda rough starting out because my body is so weird. My va jay-jay closes up in a heartbeat. during the act he asked me if i was okay and said little sweet stuff. I don't think I have ever felt this relaxed since i lost my virginity 8 years ago. its weird. i never felt like this before. am i cheating? i think so. afterwards he held me so close and tight. i wanted to believe that he cared about me. maybe he did. to be on the safe side i assumed that he didn't. Guard ON!

i am starting already. i make the assumption that guys don't care to protect myself. i don't wont to be hurt so i think bad thoughts so i wont be attached. i didn't sleep at all. i laid there thinking that i had done something so completely wrong, the only thing is i didn't regret it. he woke up and and i told him to take me home. i had some running around to do and he told me he would like to kick it with me before i left. i wanted to be cold hearted but i couldn't. i went home grabbed my luggage and we went to eat. i felt awkward but okay. Brian didn't call. i knew he didn't care about me. i left and the new guy called the whole time i was in LA. he picked me up from the airport and we stopped and had a bite to eat. after dinner i decided that i wasn't going home and went to his house. we were in bed the whole day. he asked me what was i going to do about Brian. i honestly dont know. he told me that it seemed like i had made my choice, by hooking up with him. not really i am confused. he told me that he dosent have sex for nothing and he hopes this going can go somewhere. dios mios. whats a girl to do?

UPDATE

How the hell would he say he hopes it goes somewhere? I don't even want to think about that. I had finals tomorrow and i needed to go home and study. The new guy made a couple of phone calls from the living room and I laid there thinking. Did I do something dumb? I think I am a whore. Am I? I have only known him a week and already I am spending the night and having sex. Jesus!! He comes back in the bedroom and says to me we have a chance to do a once in a lifetime thing. I didn't want to know what it was because I have finals so if it happening after Thursday I wasn't trying to hear it. He yells out "We can go see the Hawks play tonight!" I gave him a look. "Come one now how many times are the Hawks ever going to be in the playoffs?" You right I said. We chilled out a little bit and left a little early for dinner and went to the game. We had excellent seats and the game was sooo good. Because I was getting along with him so well it made me nervous. Besides I don't know anything about him. What does he do? Does he have kids? Been married or divorced? Anything! He is a mystery. He is only a mystery because I haven't asked him anything because I didnt want him to ask me anything. He has tried to tell me things but I haven been responsive. We have good times, but maybe we shouldn't have had sex so soon. At dinner he told me he would be going back to Houston in July. I am suspecting he plays football. I hope not. We all know how I feel about football players. I don't want to be rude and look him up on the Internet because if I do and he is one I know attitude will become real stank. Next time we go out, I decided that I was going to drill him on certain things. Plus, I have to seriously consider falling back on the sex with him. The odd thing is, I didn't really know what was going with anything else my life but I like whats going on with this guy.

easy?....part 1 TWISTED LOVE TALE

brian is about 6'3, 235 muscle with huge dimples and hazel brown-green eyes. he is beautiful. he has these arm tattoos that i love. he always smells wonderful.

i knew that because i didnt cancel my trip there was going to be a problem. we fight because i wont give in. i have problems with that when i was younger i used to let men walk all over me and i wont budge on ANY thing now. i do mean ANY.

After i finished my post i went straight downstairs and poured myself a shot of patron. yes it was early in the day. 9 am to be exact, but i needed one. i did two shots and chased them with chardonnay. good combo. i am a alkie. i know, i am embracing it.

its hard to imagine my days without a drink. moving on. i sat at the bar in the kitchen. i looked around this house it is gorgeous. it was something out of desperate housewives of orange county. i sat around for an hour and finally got dressed and jumped in his car. i wanted to be away. i hate driving his car because i dont know how to operate anything. it was about fifteen minutes before i could leave. i really wanted to drive out of town to a beach. i am so stressed. i ended up at Starbucks. i got a large white chocolate mocha with no whip cream.

i wasnt in the mood for anything. i thought i wanted to shop but i didnt. i decided to drive downtown. it's not that far and i could crash at his condo. i finished my coffee. atlanta is so beautiful. i love it here but i am thinking about moving. i will think about that on my plane ride to LA.

as i was leaving brian called me. i didnt answer because i knew the question. i got downtown and it has changed so much from when i was a little girl. its so developed. i went to atlantic station and decided to go to my favorite coffee spot, PJ's. I dont know what they put in their coffee but its like crack. it was midday and i was able to park at the curb. i got out and across the street was this guy leaning against his car looking hella good.6'4, 240-250 ish muscles so big i could see them through his shirt. fashion wise he had a louis vuitton visor flipped up, tshirt, jeans, louis vuitton belt, and some tennis shoes. these shoes were crazy though....

i went in ordered a glass of wine and sat at the bar. its nothing like a glass of wine to relax me. the music they were playing was sweet. it was along the lines of DJ Shadow who i love. i ordered my second glass and i saw the fine dude come in. he sat right next to me. damn he smelled good. i tried not to look at him but i could feel him looking at me. you guys have to understand something since i have been depressed and drinking more, i have gained weight. i want to get back skinny but everybody likes it. with all this being said my self esteem and confidence has fallen by the way side. i dont expect to meet people and none to talk to me.

when i got my second glass and he spoke to me i was shocked. we started off with pleasentries and he was funny. he sounded like he was from new york. way back when i had a thing for new york men. their style, their speak, everything. he stood up and went to the bathroom. he reminded me of someone...i thought about it for a second and AZ the rapper came to mind. OMG did i love him. his style was sick.

it was nice to have someone to talk to. he asked me a lot of questions and seemed interested. i made sure to ask him about his shoes and he mentioned this japanese designer named ano something. hot!!!! i have to investigate that.... who knew! before i knew it an hour had passed he mentioned he was hungry and asked me if i wanted to go to lunch with him. i gave him a crazy look. he looked at me and said "dont be that way its only lunch, i dont want thing else but a little company." he was right but you know me i dont trust a soul. i asked him what he had in mind and he suggested strip or fox sports grill. i told him strip was nice.

we walked to strip and got a table on the patio. we ordered drinks and talked. we were one of the only few black people among the lunch crowd. he had good conversation . he ordered a steak and i had lobster tails. i was enjoying him, he was different. it was only two o' clock. what next? he asked me to go to nani senoruim with him. the store is a boutique and has a lot of clothes like missoni, local celebrity, etc. when we walked he received warm greetings. he gave the sales girl a hug and she gave me a look. i wasnt in the mood. plus she better get right i had on rag & bone jeans and a d & g top. bitch please. i went over to the womens section. they had cute stuff. i was looking around and was asking me what i thought about certain clothes. eveything he picked up was hot.

he had an armful of stuff and he asked me if i saw anything that i liked i did. i just met him. lunch was good but thats as far as it goes. i gave him a look. i picked a couple of shirts, i paid for my things and we left. "why you didnt let me get that for you?" he said as we left. i replied, "because i dont fuck strangers." woooow!! he yelled out. he stopped dead in his tracks. "and besides that im not broke" he threw his hands up and said, "its not like that." " i can tell you got youre thing going on, i could've got it for you." "next time" i replied. I am always leary of men so giving. "so whats good you want to go out tonight?" i gave him a look. "i will let you know", i said. "so its over?", he asked. "i will call you if i want to go out." with that he walked me to the car and put my things in. i gave him a handshake and he took my hand and kissed it. charming. He walked over and got in his car and drove over to me. i thought you should have my number, since you said you would call. We exchanged numbers.


maybe i will call him tonight. i wasnt ready to go home, but i did. i went to brians condo. it was exactly the way we left it. fucked up. he wasnt here. thank god. i sat around for a while. i was feeling stifled, so i poured a drink and went on the balcony. it was beautiful. i called jay. "whats up gorgeous?" he answered. that made me laugh. i wondered what his story was. he seemed nice. i dont want anything from him but to hang out. i didnt know what he wanted. we talked for a bit and i told him to meet me at the Savu in the W hotel. i got ready and left. i havent been to this hotel in a while. it was sooo nice. we meet in the lobby and went to the restaurant. i know that i am vulnerable. he told me i seemed distant. he was pushing me to talk about what was going on and i didnt. i feel like i cant breathe to be honest. i am so worried about taking care of my self and being successful its driving me crazy!


We had a lot of fun. the place is very trendy. we were talking and he suggested we cut out and go the luckie lounge. it was crazy in there. he walked in and knew everybody. i had completely forgot to ask him what he did for a living. he had athletic build. i am thinking he plays football. i wonder...... god I hope not. anyway groupie city. there were so many beautiful ladies. i felt intimidated and not pretty. contrary to all the shit i talk i got issues. we found a spot by the bar and hung out. after a few minutes of talking, he spotted one of his friends at a table and we went over. they greeted each other and we sat down. his friend was with this gorgoeus girl. i felt even uglier.

we were having fun. i was actually kinda tired and but i wasnt ready to leave. he suggested we chill at his house, because its really close, but i told him no. i couldnt even count how many drinks i had that day. a lot. i told him to take me back to the hotel so i could get my car. on the way he grabbed my hand and was attempting to hold it. i didnt like where this was going. it was the end of the night and he was probably trying to secure some ass for the remainder of the evening. no way!! we got back to the hotel and sat in the car. it didnt even seem like we had meet earlier in the day. brian was blowing my phone up. i was determined not to answer because i didnt want to argue. he asked me, "why are you avoiding ur boyfriend?" "I dont have one" he gave me a look and said "stop lying. "I dont" "so who been calling you all day?" i didnt say anything. "he is not my man" i said. "does he know that?" i shrugged my shoulders and looked out the window. "i dont want to fuck."i yelled out. "what? what are you talking about?" "I just want to chill. i dont want you to try fuck me." "I havent tried that, boo." "I know but i am just saying." my mind was racing. i wanted to go upstairs with him. i wanted to be away from everything just for a minute.

"lets stay here for tonight." i said. as soon as i said it i wish i didnt. he said, "cool but we not having sex," that made me smile. we got a room at a whopping 500.00. the room was beautiful. i just wanted to be close to someone. i sat on the bed. he looked around the room and sat on the edge of the bed. "Can i ask you a question?" "yeah" "what can i do for you that your man dont? my bad the one that is not your man." that made me smile again."nothing" i said. "aww no its something because youre here with me and if you were dealing with me full time you wouldnt be here whether i was your man or not. we been together all day basically what can i do for you right now?" i took a deep breathe. "kiss me and thats all." he smiled. he is a cutie. what the hell am i doing! he came close and he grabbed my hand and kissed it. he sat closer to me and that black code was doing something to me. he put his hand on my face and rubbed it and looked at me deeply. he got this whole seduction thing down. he came close and kissed me. it was so warm and it felt loving. we were kissing and it went from a simple kiss and to passion in a millisecond. he slowed down and we stopped. my heart was racing so fast i was almost out of breath. he grabbed my hand and kissed it. i knew then something was wrong with him. it took me awhile to figure out brians problem and it turned out to be insecurity and control and the new guy....i dont know yet.

"is that what you wanted?" he asked me. "yeah" "you feel like a cheater?" he asked me i didnt want to tell him the story because i would have to briefly tell the JR story and i didnt want to do that. I felt even more confused about my life after that kiss. yeah it was that good. i got up and grabbed my purse and told him i had to go. he got up and followed me to the door. "wait" as i got to the door he turned me around and began to kiss me. damn it. i am fucking not in control. we were leaning against the door. we were making out. it wasnt like passionate slutty high school teens. he was gentle with a touch of passion. i cant fuck a man i just met 10 hours earlier! i cant! i dont want to, do I? I know it makes no sense here I was in a luxurious room with him. I know.

i began to press on his chest to push him away. he got the hint and stopped. he was leaning over me. this black code shit should be illegal. clearly it is clouding my judgement. "I have to go", i said. "You sure" he asked me. "yes! i am not fucking you." you told me and i dont expect that. you told me you wanted kisses and that what im giving you."

he was right. i went over to the bed and plopped down. when did i become so...scattered. he came over and laid next to me. he looked at me and started to kiss me. the makeout session was on and popping. it felt good. i felt wanted. i didnt know him so i felt like a slut. with brian i used to feel wanted but everytime was have sex something happens. plus i feel like our sex is about control. we fight about something that has happened and he tries to control me even more, then we have sex. maybe somehow that is unhealthy.



when I entered this thing with brian it was different. we were different. we have both changed.now here i am semi cheating with the finest potential rapist on earth. it was already in the wee-wee (late night), he was a good kisser, it was getting intense. he wasnt touching me inapproiately. he was kissing me. i stopped for a minute and when i woke up it was ten in the morning. i was being held by this mystery person. all in all he seemed like a good guy. when i woke up he was looking at me. it has always been weird to wake up and have someone looking at you. he kissed me on my cheek and stared at me. this is weird. it just is. he told me my phone had been ringing all morning and made a smart ass comment about it. "you want some breakfast?" "yeah" i said. i was hungry as hell. the alcohol was needing some food. i washed my face and brushed my teeth (i always keep a travel kit with essentials) we headed to cafe intermezzo down the street. we had breakfast and continued to talk. i wanted to tell him about me and brian but i dont know him that well. he stated that part of the year he lives here and the other half he is in Houston. i didnt press him to tell me anything as far as career beause i didnt want to tell him about mine or lack thereof. he also stated that he was going to the fashion show at the Compound and I should come. No thanks. i dont do clubs, i explained. he said he didnt either but he was going to meet up with some of his old frat brothers and hang out.

i declined and told him i had to go because I had school. we said our goodbyes and i headed back to the condo. i changed into the clothes i bought yesterday and left. on the way to school i called brians sister. she was shocked when i told her i hadnt talked or seen brian since yesterday. as if she didnt know. she said he was really worried about me and i should call. i happily declined. i wasnt in the mood. i called nicole, she also said she was going to the fashion show and i should go. i didnt want to. i told her about me and brian, and she started laughing because he had called her to see if i was with her. damn maybe he really was worried. i felt bad, got off the phone with her and called him. "where you at?" was the first thing he said to me. no hi, hello, nothing. "i am on my way to school." "how the fuck are you on the way to school and you left your books at home?" i have my laptop." "where the fuck you been?" "away" "what the fuck is wrong with you? how the fuck you stay out all night and....... "easy" i said. this isnt going well. if he would have approached me different I would have melted and went back to his house. he didnt. so now i had to bitchy. "easy?...easy?....easy? what the fuck does that mean?" what the fuck is wrong with you? i hung up. i didnt want to hear this anymore. i was real bold because i was driving his car. i could have crashed that bitch if i wanted to. he called me back a million times.

i went to my PR writing class. i wasnt in the mood for the other two. i decided i needed to face the music. on the way back the new york cutie from a couple of posts ago called and told me that he was going to the fashion show and i should go. damn. everybody was making this out to be a fucking versace show. i pulled up and saw Jason's car. i took a deep breathe and went in. jason was on the sofa watching tv. he yelled out "whats up" and I went upstairs. i layed on the bed and drifted off to sleep. Brians rude ass slamming the door woke me up. he was putting his shit down on the dresser, when i turned around to look at him. he looked right through me. he came and sat on the bed right next to me.

he didnt say a word. he came close to me and kissed me on the cheek. i was bracing myself because i didnt know what he was going to do. "please dont do that again, okay?" he said. why is he acting like I ran away from home? i dont even live here. i shook my head, but i know this isnt the end of it.

THIS SHIT SO REAL IT COMES WITH A DISCLAIMER

DISCLAIMER
IF YOU ARE NOT AND I REPEAT NOT A REALIST THEN DON'T READ THIS. IT ISN'T FOR YOU. THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK OF ME. THEY ARE MINE.

it makes me feel inadequate
it's what everyone wants and I am scared to give
it can cause you pain and suffering
or joy and pleasure if done right

it has been taken from me violently
in some cases i have given it freely
yeah only like twice
not out of obligation
pressure
disgusted looks
impatient sighs
guilt
i am so fake
i act like i like you
i dont
i don't want to do it
i hate doing it
it does nothing for me

it seems like a requirement
it can be unnecessary
every time i do it
it hurts
i am scared

most times i cry to myself
softly where you cant hear me
i brace myself
i close my eyes so tight
till i see red spots

i hold my breath
i am so tense my muscles hurt for days after
the pain you cause me cant be described
you shoot threw me so violently
i cant take it
i cant
i cant
i just have to hold on a little while longer
thank god its over
it makes me uncomfortable
tense
stressed

it may cause me to be alone for the rest of my life
why did you take it from me?
why do you pressure me?
why do you want it so bad?
why cant you understand that I am not like that?

i have never abused you
you know that
i cherish you
you dont do the same for me
i take that back
i did it for the wrong reasons
dont be mad at me i said
accept me
love me
dont leave me
never for me
only for you
what about me ?

did you ever think or know?
that i don't want it?
i can go with out it ?
it hurts me ?
you're hurting me
STOP HURTING ME !!!!

i dread it
i hate it
i have to be drunk to do it
i would rather be drunk to do it
zone out
i don't trust because of you
i don't commit because of you
you make me doubt myself
loathe myself
abuse myself

you have fucked me up
for life
i can change
i hope...

you make feel like less than a person
if i was a different person i would
have killed myself
i have wanted to
tried to
still want to sometimes...

too scared
how would i do it?
i want to show you
i am strong
i'm lying
weak
confused
hurting
i want you to feel how i feel
you make me cry more than you know
i want you to give me my life back!!!!
give me that little girl back!!!!!
give me that grown woman back!!!!!
give me my innocence back!!!!
you're a asshole
user
abuser
thief
criminal

i wont have a normal life because of you
why didn't you kill me?
living like this is much worse than dying
thats what i think

you made me into a little girl that hated herself
i sat in that corner because of you
afraid of people
you shouldnt hate yourself at five years old

you again
same evilness, different person
in a new form
wow you too?
so violent
i am different
i feel torn
something is wrong
pain
injury
i died that night
because of what you have done to me just last year
i am a woman thats afraid to love
trust
second, third, fourth, one hundred guess everyone
you stole from me like the other did when i was a little girl
the same shit

pop a pill
drink till i pass out
wake up a day and a half later
damn what day is this ?
when i went to sleep it was monday morning
its tuesday after midnite?
wheres the alcohol?
to be honest
surprised that i woke up this time
damn another day

dear god,
take me
from my misery
if you care anything about me
(which i obviously you dont because of all the shit you let happen to me)
when i pop these four 1300 mgs pills
and drink the rest of this grey goose
white russian mix and lay down
i wont open my eyes ever again
i will go quietly
peacefully
how i wanted to
drunk.high.numb

i am going to die

that's how i feel
i cant go on
i don't want to
i don't have the energy
i am tired

do my eyes look glossy?
i cant speak without slurring
carry alcohol in my purse
cant make a decision
i cry at the drop of a dime...
fuck that
a pin ...
fuck that
a nothing

damn purse stash is gone
plan B
what about my bookbag?
gone too?
fuck!!!!!
plan c
glove compartment
jackpot!

vodka dont fail me now
as you enter me you make me relax
my muscles feel so good
i am calm
without you my hands shake uncontrollably
youre my only friend
whoa!!!
stay on the road
take it to the head.

i wanted to do drugs because of you
no smart ass i have never done a drug before but you make me want to
only to feel no pain, hurt, or worries
just my luck that girl didn't have any cocaine when i asked
or pills
damn bitch do you have anything?
you don't? no biggie I will drink
till i pass out
throw up
don't remember shit
numb

i don't want to face you anymore
i spent two and half years and counting drunk because of you
i don't remember a damn thing
you made me do things i didn't want to
what you ask?
fine asshole i will tell you
strip
drink
pop pills

i want to choke you
i blame you
i blame me
i hate myself
what is it like to have self esteem ?
confidence ?
self worth ?
not be mad?
thats not me
i am
angry
livid

i wish you would leave me alone
i have lost so many relationships because of you
you have controlled my life
i want to die
i want to drink
you make me happy
sad
depressed
anxious
scared
timid
suicidal
homicidal
crazy
bipolar

i wish i didn't have you
i wish i could take you off
and put you in a box
on my dresser
look at you
throw you across the room
in the trash
flush you down the toilet
stab you
shoot you

i am not good enough for you
never will be
why do you want me ?
why do you do this?
let me go
how can you make me feel
like i am never relaxed when i am with you
nervous
anxious
upset
hurt
panic attacks
depression
please let me give it to you, don't take it

you will never understand
please understand
get to know me
you torture me
abuse me
mistreat me
lie to me
all of the above times 1 million!!!

i wish we could start over
i wish we could be new
i wish you knew me as a different person
i wish i knew you differently

what would i do without you?
do you care about me?
did you ever love me
want me ?
need me?
what if i never wanted you again
you're so arrogant
vain
self loving
you probably wouldn't care
i cant let you hurt me again

you have to help me
find someone who understands
patient
loving
experienced
teacher
professor

i am your student
i want to be
i need to be
show me something different
i don't need to be this way
i don't want to
i cant trust you
you have lied to me
hurt me
trashed me
deceived me
left me
i hate you
i have heard you speak
you tell me different
you think your nice
fun
easy
gentle
all fucking lies
i hate a liar!!!

you are evil
i cant believe you
you disgust me
you control peoples minds
bodies
souls
beings
spirit
finances
romances

go!!!
leave
be out
kick rocks
i am not going to let you take it from me
you wont hurt me ever again
i wont let you

do you know what i really want?
do you?
for real?
i have never been happy with you
i have never had so much hatred for someone or something in my life
why wont you go?
i am young
release me
set me free


these are just some thoughts and feelings from a young lady that has been sexually abused in ways that a little girl and a woman can be. I was unfortunate enough to experience abuse at both stages in my life. For people who don't know it changes you forever. Its a struggle for me and I am learning to cope. Primarily I am addressing my daily thoughts about the act of sex, my vagina, my abusers ,and how they control my life. it covers everything and i didn't hold back.

i would love to hear your thoughts.

cancel your trip!

I am going to LA next week thank you jesus!! I am so excited and my friend has already gotten us a suite at the Ventian for next weekend. the four hour plane ride from Atlanta to LA will allow me to think. Brian is a workaholic right now so i dont see him that much anymore. i try and call him and he is busy and he calls me back and I am sleep. I dont really mind though. it takes some of the pressure off. If you dont know by now I have committment issues. He feels bad for not being here and when I woke up yesterday there was a note for me. It basically said I am sorry I am not around please dont leave blah, blah. It meant a lot that he hand wrote it. It was sweet. Ever since I discovered he dated a model its kinda changed the game. Granted it was this past weekend but I was at the bar BYMYSELF on monday afternoon. I went to chilis and had three tropical sunrise magaritas (yall know they are 21 oz's each right?) and three disaronno's and coke. I am just stressed and my drinking is getting worse. i dont even make excuses for my drinking anymore i just do it.

After I left there I went home and changed and meet up with the cutie and drank some more. yall know about the cutie right? He is 6'0, 215, dimples, ny accent, brown skin, umm fine as hell. I was actually at the bar two weeks ago having a drink with my homegirl and he approached me. he has only been here three weeks so I put him on theory status. He is so cute, but he is younger than me.
I decided that i am going to take some pics to let you guys a little more into my life. those are coming soon.
I bought an ed hardy shirt. I dont know why. anyway....

he dated a model. it made me cry. that and I am on my period (thank you jesus) me and brian had a fight this morning. as he was getting dressed he told me dont make any plans for next week. i told him i couldnt do that because i already had plans. let the drama ensue.

what do you mean you have plans, were do you think you are going?.....LA...What?...LA..Since when?...Since two months ago, when I bought my plane ticket....thats fucking crazy because i dont remember you telling me that you were going....thats fucking crazy because i asked you to take me the airport...well you not going..what! yes I am....let me think about it, nah you not going...whatever...who you going out there with? me... and who else? i am meeting my friend out there, she lives there....wrong...with me because i am going to..its girls weekend..its girls weekend no men! he started to laugh he was putting on his shirt and he was looking good and yummy. he started to speak to me in a calm voice, you honestly think that i am gonna let my girl go to LA for a weekend with a homegirl, you lost your fucking mind. you're not going. why? you afraid I am gonna fuck somebody like you did? he stopped buttoning up his shirt and gave me a look that scared me. if we were in DC he would have threw something at me.(check my other blog southernsista.wordpress.com for that tale) youre not fucking going.period. i rolled my eyes in disgust and went to the bathroom. clearly he has control issues. i am going. fuck that. i came out the bathroom and got in the bed. it was 7:00 am and too early to have this conversation. he sat at the edge of the bed and told me to come here. i went and he kissed me. he got up and as he walking out the door he said "cancel your fucking trip."

i have no plans to do so. just to be spiteful, i took his luggage bag out of his closet and packed put it by the door. i am going point blank period.


later in the morning i called his sister. we talked for awhile and she told me she talked to brian this earlier. he was heated over me going to LA. He goes places all the time without me so whats the big fucking deal? i asked. she agreed. plus he has been fucking chics anyway. who? she asked. i dont know who and i told her the panty story and i told her about the chic at the door. she either honestly didnt know or she should win a oscar. she goes on to tell me that he never told her any of that (yeah right) and that she has never seen him act like this before. her exact words were "he has got a control thing with you." no shit deputy dog. i went on to say that he dosent want me to do anything without him and I feel like a piece of property and technically he isnt my boyfriend. we havent had sex in weeks well days is more accurate and he acts so crazy when i mention anything that dosent involve him. i am going for sure. i need a break. he isnt smothering me, but he is insecure with us and when you think about it he has every right to be. that being the case i am going.

when he gets back tonight i know that there will be another fight i can feel it. i decided that I am going to stay out all day. since he is trying to control me i am going show him. i am taking his car and his money and go shopping till i fucking pass out. i have my assignment to do...hmmm anyway i will figure it out. i will keep you updated.

i feel like the fat wife at home....

i met this cutie a couple of weeks ago while I was out and about. I had an interview and three classes so i stopped at the bar to get a couple of drinks. he tapped me on the shoulder and we sparked a conversation. this natural hair thing is really working out...

SIDEBAR ---Moving on....

Brian has really stepped his business game up. He was able to buy into a car dealership for a line of cars that never becomes availiable. No I am not talking about a buy here pay here spot. He spent a lot but he has already seen his investment back. The video production company with another buddy is always booming. He also began doing some consulting work for a sports agency as well. Like I said he stepped his game up.

Nicole and I were chilling around the house this weekend. Both of our men were out. Jason had to do some workouts and Brian had some other business. We decided to have a girls weekend, so she came over and we jumped in the bed with our pints of ice cream and wine. It was cool. I dont have any female friends and its nice to be around a girl sometimes. My phone rang and it was brian checking on me. i told him that nicole and I were in the bed looking at lifetime. he asked me to go downstairs to the office and into the desk and get something out, which i did. he told me he would be home a little later and he loved me. as i was putting the things back in the drawer i noticed some pictures. This could go either way. should i look at them? I called nicole downstairs. she came down and we went through the pics. the chic in the pics had to be his girlfriend. she was gorgeous! she was bi-racial, about 5'7, perfect body, and had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. she looked familiar though... me and nicole decided to go through more drawers to find more pics. which we did in a folder. there were so many pics of them together. they had been everywhere together. they always looked happy. as i am jealous looking through the pics, nicole yells out " i know who she is!!!!" she is that chic from the show!!!.... thanks nicole I really know who youre talking about..... no from that game show.... i wont give out her name or the name of the show but she is still on it now as a model.

Whoa!!! there are some chics that you dont compare to. this is one of them. i cant compare to someone this gorgeous. it made me sad. i felt like the fat wife at home, seeing her husband out with his beautiful mistress. he dated this girl!! it wasnt that she was famous, its the fact that she is beautiful. nicole got the idea to google her. she started to do it on the office computer, but i told her to do it from my laptop. we put all the stuff back just like we had found it, went upstairs popped open a bottle of wine and looked her up. she goes to all the industry parties and walks the red carpet. i wanted to know what happened. and as hard as i tried to remember the story i dont think he told me about her. there was a period were we didnt talk either, so it could have been then.

wow. wow. i sat back on the bed, poured me another glass and took it to the head. it made me upset. i dont know if this has ever happened to you guys, but have you ever seen pictures of your currents exes and you think why are you dating me? Well i have it is happening to me now. i dawned on me that I am not his type. i am not. I cant be. why is he even talking to me? nicole went downstairs and by the time she came back i was balling me eyes out. it hurt. i could have been making gross assumptions by i knew i was right. i kept downing the wine. dont get it twisted, wine will get you fucked up. nicole was trying to give me words of encouragement but it wasnt working. all i could think was how much of a loser i was. me and her are exact opposites. everything she is, im not. this hurt yall. i wanted to do something crazy now. like shop. this isnt a good time to shop. i am likely to spend thousands. (I forgot to tell you guys i bought some rich and skinny jeans and an ed hardy tshirt)

me and nicole went downstairs. we went to the kitchen and got out all the comfort foods. we sat on the sofa and pigged out. nicole went to sleep first but i couldnt. what the hell? i feel alseep not long after. i woke up to a knock at the door. it was jason. why the hell did he knock he has a key? He walked in talking loud and shit. as bad as i wanted to ask him some questions i didnt. he would tell brian and i didnt want that. he laughed at us for pigging out and him and nicole went upstairs. i went back to the couch, took to more quick glasses of wine, and fell asleep. i woke up to brian picking me up. he took me upstairs and put me in the bed. he got in the shower and laid next to me. he rolled over and whisphered in my ear, he loved me and held me close. i couldnt help but think did he wish it was her he was holding instead of me.

comments

hey,

i cant figure out how to let you guys submit comments. you can email them to me at: missmartinistales@yahoo.com. I look forward to all your comments good and bad.

Thanks,

Miss Martini