Miss Martini's Tales

Guess Who's Back

2008-12-17T21:22:00.002-05:00

To say that it has been a while has been a complete understatement. I have learned so much this past year and I am soooo ready for a new start. I feel kinda reborn. I am ready for all the new changes that are destined to happen in my life although, changes scare the hell out of me.

I can tell you this. With so many doors opening and closing, it can be a confusing time. My drive and need for raw perfection is driving me crazy.

So, as needed, I took a break but I am back and there is so much in store stay tuned!

Martini

BARE WITH ME

2008-08-24T18:34:00.002-04:00

I'm will be making changed to my site. I have had so much going on with work and my graduation coming up. Bare with me!

--martini

rehab

2008-06-30T20:44:00.002-04:00

i was so drunk this weekend. I remember things in patches. I remember three bottles of strawberry vodka, patrone, bud light, alligator piss, four long islands, dark liquor, and an ex pill. I remember going to the four strip clubs, girl sex. losing my bra and shirt. i was too fucked up. Its coming back in patches, all in all I probably need to be in somebody's rehab.

holy inappropriateness!!!!

2008-05-07T23:47:00.001-04:00

new guy, Jay could have easily found out where brian lived. i had been at his house and he was entertaining me. he took me to school and waited around for me to finish my classes. that is really sweet. we hung after. i hate my job because i havent worked in two weeks. hence the stripping.

we were laying bed on tuesday and he told me that he has to leave on thursday for work. he also asked me if i wanted to come along. i have been to houston but i didnt get a chance to hang out. he said it will be fun and i probably shouldnt be alone. i agreed. it didnt take much. we got our tickets and landed in the morning. on the way he told me that his mom, dad, and sister stays at his house. I guess that can be sweet, but where does he go for privacy? he talked about his job and just like i thought he was a football player. fucking great. one had just choked me and now here i am sitting with another potential choker. the flight was relatively short. after we got there and picked up his car we headed off. i love houston its a beautiful city. we traveled a distance to his house which was massive. it was huge!!!!! it had all bay windows, lakefront view with its own pier and dock with a boat, pool, five bedrooms, sunroom, movie room, it was gorgeous. we got settled in and his dad and sister greeted us and introduced themselves. they seemed really cool.
his mom came out and i got kinda of a cold reception. granted i have known him two weeks i dont what he told her but damn she didnt have to be a bitch. that was harsh maybe she is protective.

my life has been out of control for a long time and i dont know how going off to Houston with a man i have only known for two weeks is going to help. he grabbed my hand and led me upstairs. his bedroom was large and gorgeous. Plasma TV, Cali King Bed, marble bathroom, the works. we werent in the bedroom five minutes and he started to kiss me. i stopped him because his parents were down stairs. he went to close the door and pulled me onto the bed. he was kissing me and it was kinda making me feel like a jump off. it just wasnt right. now that i think about it, is that what i am? anyway... he layed me down on my back which was killing me. i couldnt take him on top of me and i pushed him away. whats wrong?...my back is killing me.... i forgot baby i am sorry, you wanna get on top?...i gave him a look that was plain evil. all men think about is sex. ewwww! it disgusts me and turns me off. I should not have been having sex with him in the first place. at least not this quick.

It made me think being here wasnt such a good idea. he must have sensed my utter disdain for that comment because he says he just wanted some affection we didnt have to have sex. whatever was my reply. i was disgusted. i had to get some things off my chest. so thats what i am to you?...what?.. just somebody you have sex with?...no baby, i didnt mean it like that i just.. it dosent matter this isnt working out...what?... its just not. with that i got up got my purse and went to the bathroom. my back was hurting like hell. what the fuck am i saying? my mouth just goes sometimes. he came into the bathroom and grabbed me from behind. i am stressed... he looked at me with puppy dog eyes. he reminds me of buddha from i love new york. His height, his build, those eyes. LAWD!!!! let me take your stress away ,i didnt mean it like that. all i wanted was kisses and hugs, i promise. i realize it hasnt been that long but already you met my mom. he kept talking and that fact started to dawn on me. damn! mom's in two weeks? when i started listening again he was saying i love kissing you, touching you. i know you going through a lot and i want to make it easier. How is he going to do that by fucking me all the time? I highly doubt that will change the situation.

a part of me feels like i cant handle this with him. he is nice but i am broken and damaged and i dont want him to pull out the first aid kit. its too much. "i have to pee" i told him. he kissed me on my neck and left the bathroom. i got the advil out my purse and took five. maybe the extra will give me a slight buzz since he acts all daddy when i drink.

i gathered myself and went to the bedroom, where he was sitting on the bed on the phone. i sat next to him and kissed him. he gave me a look and i kissed him again. there is nothing wrong with affection right? he got off the phone and grabbed my face and started to kiss me. it would be so much easier if he wasnt a good kisser. i ended up getting on top of him and that only made it worse. i was out of my shirt in no time. affection my ass. he was unbuttoning my pants when there was a knock at the door. i stopped but he didnt. knock at the door....they will come back...answer the door.. he ignored that comment and continued to kiss me. this time the door opened and it was mom. sorry to interrupt but we wanted to get lunch and wanted to know that you guys wanted? i am mortified. here i am with no shirt on, on top of her son, and she is standing in the doorway asking questions about lunch. he told her we would be down in a minute. she walked out and closed the door. i was so shocked. he was laughing. i am sorry baby. she probably thinks i am a hoe!!...no she dont.. whatever... i put my bra and shirt back on. he got up, went downstairs and i told him i would be down in a minute. i went to the bathroom and freshned up. i heard the conversation from upstairs. she's a bit loose..ma come on..what kinda girl does that when your parents are at home. we werent doing anything but kissing...thats because i stopped you guys..okay ma.

to say that i am not in the mood is a understatement. i dont do parents. i went and sat on the bed. i layed down and drifted off to sleep. when i woke up the clock read 4:37. i cant believe i slept that long. i layed there drifting in out of sleep and he walked in. he got right behind me and curled up. he felt so good. he kissed me on my neck. i turned around and he began to kiss me. you okay?..yeah my back was hurting.... you need anything?....a glass of wine...he gave me a look. i was thinking we could grab some dinner and hang out for a bit. cool. i changed and 30 minutes later we were out the door. we went into the downtown area to the magnolia hotel. the bar is on the second floor and it was so nice. they had live jazz playing and he ordered our drinks and told me he would be back. minutes later he came back and told me he had a surprise for me.

we sat and talked. he was really intense with the eye contact and it was making me nervous. he was affectionate and was sweet but at the same time it caught me off guard. we left about an hour later and went to eat at a place called perry's. everything was very nice and the food was really good. we came back to the hotel. what are we doing?....you will see... we went up to the rooftop. it was so beautiful. he stood behind me and held me. we didnt say a word. i am scared because i like him. i dont want to but i do. a few minutes later he whispered in my ear, come on. we went back downstairs to a private entrance and entered the most beautiful room i had ever seen. it was huge!!! there at least four dozen flowers in the room. i grabbed him and hugged him. it was kinda like a honey moon suite. I know you probably dont want to stay with my parents so i got us a room....you didnt have to do that i dont mind staying with your parents....he gave me a look he knew i was lying. i dont have any of my stuff. we can get it tomorrow.

i sat on the bed. its something about him that makes me feel safe but i dont want to. he put his arm around me as he sat down next to me. are you happy?...i am...why are you scared of me?..i am scared of what you will do to me...what do you mean? my situation with brian was fucked up and i have just had to many bad sitautions. i know i have done a lot and that scares me too. i am just scared...... baby, i have to be honest with you. PAUSE....... whenever a man says this it is going to be bad. my ex still calls me and i was talking to her up until earlier this week. i wasnt mad. in fact i felt relieved. its what i wanted to hear. i felt like i needed to know something about his life. or at least the women. i talked to her yesterday and i told her that i had met someone. i just wanted to tell you. i dont want to hide anything. i am really feeling you. i know you just got out of something but i would love to pursue more. its just something for you to think about. can we stop having sex? he gave me a look. he opened his mouth to say something but stopped and agreed. damn i didnt think he would agree to easily.

a few minutes later we got up and went downstairs. they have a nitetime cookie bar. we ate cookies and drank milk and a couple of people came up to him to ask for autographs. we took more cookies and went upstairs. we got to the room and i went into his bag and put on a tshirt. i got in the bed and turned on the tv. he changed and joined me. good god he is so fine. we were laying there and i started to drift in and out of sleep. i woke up and the clock read 2:33 am. he was sleeping soundly. i nuzzled up to him. he woke up and put his arm around me and kissed me on the forehead. i kissed him on the lips. he woke up more and we began to kiss. baby we have to stop. he never stopped kissing me. i thought you didnt want to do it anymore.... i dont.... really?....i just want affection. that made him smile. then it dawned on me. he was in houston last week. did you see your ex, i asked him between kisses. huh?....did you see your ex last week?....yeah.... did you sleep with her?....no i didnt....why?...because we had just slept together and plus she was with my mom at the house when i was here...so you would have if it wasnt for your mom?...no baby we had just slept together and i dont get down like that... yeah fucking right the last person that told me that choked me two days ago.

I turned around that killed my mood. The more I talk to him the more I feel like a jump off. I dont want to be with her no more, I am interested in you. I could feel him looking at me but I refused to turn around. he had every right to sleep with her if he wanted but he didnt have to sleep with me to. Do you want her back?....No, hell no.. Will you please turn around? No. i didnt want to because i know if I did he would look at me and I would feel weak and lose. baby, i dont want...when is the last time you slept with her?...March 3 my homeboys birthday. you still have feelings? Not like that i dont want to be with her. I turned around. Why for some reason, i dont believe you?... because you dont trust me anyway, baby just give me a chance i havent done anything wrong. he was right. he kissed me and we know how that story went.

arriving at the complex was an ordeal. He made me drive his truck. Its a big ass Infiniti truck. its was really nice, i just hate driving big vehicles. The plan was to drop him off go and get breakfast with his sister and come back. I dropped him off and was on my way. I got back to his house (thank god for navigation) and I knocked at the door and his sister greeted me. She grabbed her stuff and we were out the door. We went to a spot called Ibiza for lunch. We talked and had good conversation. She told me her brother NEVER lets his family meet the chics he is with. Her mom is off the chain with the women and her dad is off the chain with the men she meets. She also mentioned that her mom and his ex are still close and hang out, which he hates. She told me about her boyfriend and their issues.

I suggested that we all go out to dinner that night. She called her man and suggested a restaurant and booked reservations at Ruth chris. I called him and left a message and went to the mall to find something to wear. The mall was huge and had stores like Carolina Herrea, Chanel, Gucci. I had Brians card but I couldnt use it because it would let him no were I am was. I could be bold and use it, but i wouldnt. If I was spending his money it would have been Louis Vuitton or Gucci but since it was mine I took my ass to old faithful....bebe.

I got a dress and accessories to match shoes I had with me and we left the mall. We were at Starbucks having coffee when he called me back he told he has something to do after practice and that he would meet us there. He also asked me to add a couple of people to the reservation. Baby I completely forgot to leave you money this morning I am sorry.... its cool....i wasnt even thinking about it we will go tomorrow...its cool... you dont understand we got some of the best shopping......its cool. alright baby i miss you i will see you tonight. leave me money? what am i a escort?

we chilled most of the day and got ready. We looked really cute. We waited for her boyfriend to come and headed to the restaurant together. We were standing by the door when Jay came around the corner with some flowers, how sweet! He was joined by two additional couples. He kissed me and we went to our seats. We had a good dinner and went to a bar. We had a couple of drinks and went back to his teammates house. It was in the same area as Jay's and just as large. The guys went into the game room which was a short distance from the pool. The girls started grilling me about us and there was really nothing to tell. Meanwhile the guys were laughing having a good time. They seemed really cool and they were telling me about his ex. Sheila was her name. From what they said she was gorgeous and a gold digger. He gave her everything that she wanted, but she put the pressure on to much about marriage. That and the fact she was spending way too much of his money.

It was getting late and Jay came over and told me he was ready to go. I exchanged numbers with the girls and left. We packed up and made it the short distance to his house. I was tired and I know he had to be. We said our goodbyes and went upstairs. we went straight to bed. I woke up in the morning with a slight headache and the phone was ringing. It was Jay to tell me he left me money and I could take the car if i wanted. He also said he missed me and he would be home around 3. I put my glasses on and turned on the TV. I watched MTV for awhile and I smelled food. I went downstairs and heard conversation. I walked in the kitchen and saw a beautiful honey colored woman and his mom sitting at the table. Hi I said and his mom introduced me to Sheila. WHAT THE F!!!!!!!!! HOLY INAPPROPRIATNESS!!!! My mind was racing. Isnt his ex name Sheila? She was gorgeous. what was she doing here? his mom told me to grab a plate and join them. OH HELL NAWWW! I am from the south I did say naw!!!

I grabbed a plate and sat down. His mom went on to say that this was his ex and she stopped by. Stopped by? Exes dont stop by. She is playing real fucking dirty. I took one nibble of the panckae and noticed they werent eating. I put my fork down. this bitch is scandolous. she probably poisoned the food. They were exchanging memories and laughing it up like old friends. I was so digusted. I said my goodbyes and went upstairs. I cant take this. I had to come up with something. i needed to come up with a plan and quick. I thought about calling Jay and telling him what happened. I didnt. i sat on the bed and thought this shit, maybe this was for the best. i felt like a jump off anyway, its clear his mom didnt like me and he was still talking to her up until recently. an hour later I cooled down, got in the shower and got dressed. I went downstairs to see if anyone was in the house. the coast was seemingly clear. i went into the office and began to look for a phone book. I found one and got the number to a cab company. I wrote that down along with hotel information. I made a reservation at the ICON and called a cab. I had to leave quick because I didnt want anything to stop me. 15 minutes later and cab pulled up and I was gone. I grabbed some lunch and went to the hotel. I was still mad. I have never in my life been through this.

I put my things down and chilled out for a bit. My trip is going to be cut short. I looked up flight information, called the airlines, and got a flight for the next morning. He called me at 2:30 and told me he was on the way home. I told him okay and I will see him later. I guess he didnt know how much later. He called back around 3:20 pm and asked me where i was. I told him that i didnt really want to talk, he was talking to the wrong person, that his mom would know everything with that I hung up.

He called me back 15 minutes later. Baby....silence from me...baby, my mom isnt here. what happened. I went downstairs and your ex girlfriend and your mom were having breakfast and i didnt want to be apart of it. WHAT!!! What the fuck! baby i am so sorry. i...Jay I just got out of a super fucked up situation. I didnt come to Houston to be in another one. I cant do this. we need a break. period. i will not do this again. until your mom get over your ex and you get over your ex, please dont call me. period.....Baby look i... I hung up and turned my phone off. No tolerance. i took myself out to dinner chilled in the hotel and caught my flight in the morning.

What did I tell you about pro athletes? Drama!!!

twisted love tale part deux

2008-05-07T18:35:00.000-04:00

i havent really been fucking with brian. i just dont want to. he is crazy. now that i am not there as much he is crazier. granted he has been out of town and i havent been at his house. i hate being at his house alone its big and i am such a scaredy cat when it comes to be alone.

i have been kicking with the new guy, who has been spoiling me. not money wise but just with attention and affection. after the times we have had sex i was really uncomfortable. i felt a little whorish. i gave it up kinda quick. he called me when i was in class and told me that we were going to dinner at Dolce and then drinks at The grape wine bar with a couple of his friends. i told him i wouldnt have time to go home nor did i want to go brians to get clothes, he suggested that we meet at the boutique in Atlantic Station and I could get something to wear.

An hour later we meet I changed met his friends at Dolce. we had so much fun and the food was good. we had a few drinks and headed back to his house. when we got there i went straight to the kitchen and popped open another bottle of wine. he gave me a look. What? i said... Can I ask you something?.... Yeah?.... Why do you drink so much?... I gave him a look. Whats going on? you dont even get drunk from what i can tell but you drink a lot. I walked away. i wasnt in the mood for him to be on some daddy shit. he followed me into the bathroom. he came up behind grabbed my waist and kissed me on the back of my neck and took the drink out my hand. Is the man crazy? you wanna talk about it?.... no i dont. there is nothing to talk about. with that statement i took my drink and walked away. i went to his closet and got a tshirt and started to put it on. he stood in the closet door watching me. what? i asked he said nothing. what? i asked again. nothing he said. he sat on the bed. i changed and sat on the bed. can you stop drinking so much please? I looked him picked up my drink and said sure as i took a sip. i dont take kindly to men telling me what to do. he laughed and with that came over the nitestand where I had put my drink picked it up and walked away. he has lost it. he went into the bathroom and poured my drink down the sink. a perfectly good glass of wine gone! i am pissed.

he went into his closet and changed. if looks could kill he would have dropped dead. he got in the bed, kissed me on my forehead and turned on the TV. i didnt say anything. it was late, i saw that he was really being caring and i went to sleep. i woke up with the sun beaming on my face. damn i had a bad headache too. he was holding me. he is sweet. i moved and he mumbled something. i shook him and told him to wake up and began to talk. i have been through so much in the past two years and i know that i have a problem with drinking but i am not ready to stop. not until I can make things better....what do you need?... i need to make things better by myself. i dont want help but i know i need it. baby what do you need help with? i felt the ball coming up in my throat. i dont want to talk about it anymore. he grabbed my hand but i jerked away and went to the bathroom.

i dont like getting help from anyone. just recently i started back dancing occasionally. i havent been into it. i dont want to do it. i will be STS (Summer Time Stripper) and thats all. its so embarassing because i feel like i am trying to spike lee (do the right thing) and it aint working and now i have to back to the underworld.

i let the tears flow. i wont allow myself to be dependent on anyone but me. i recently wrote a letter to my ex and told him the only thing i expect a man to do is lie, let me down, and buy me a drink. i am so heavy right now. he came into the bathroom and came behind me and gave a big hug. whenever somebody does that it makes me cry harder. i was balling. i am a hot ass mess.
he grabbed tissue and gave it to me. i was trying to gather myself. he asked me if i was okay and told him i needed a drink. he gave me a look and i laughed. he kissed me on my head and we got back in the bed. he had to go out of town and we would be back in two days. we said our goodbyes. i didnt want to stay here. the fact that he had gave me my extra key was scary.

i called nicole. i had kinda disassociated myself from her. she is so cool, but its something about her i dont trust. she asked me what i was up to and told her i was have been laying low. she told me that brian has been flipping because he dosent know where i am . i told her i was going over there later, if she wanted to meet me. " I am already here" WHAT THE F? it kinda shocked me. where is jason? right here sleeping. where is brian? i dont know i havent been out of the room. i am just not feeling this. i told her i would be over later. i took my time and got there around 6:30. i saw brians car and just wasnt in the mood. i was sitting in the car thinking about where i could go and nicole came out. whats up girl? bout time you came back. What the fuck is this bitch talking about she dosent even live here. girl the boys are back there grilling out! Come on! i got out, put my things down and went to the back yard. there were a couple of people out there i didnt know and brian was at that grill. LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN! nicole yelled with her big ass mouth. Brian yelled out, WOOOOW!, walking over giving me a hug. he whisphered in my ear, we need to talk. No shit. I already know there is going to be drama.

we were laughing and having a good time. i was trying to put my guard down but i know that i couldnt. brian walked over to me and grabbed my hand and pulled me inside. he pulled me into his office and closed the door. i stood against the door with my arms folded. baby i am sorry about all the shit i said. i feel like i am losing you and its driving me crazy. i love you. please dont be mad at me anymore. he sounded cute, but i wasnt falling for the banana in the tail pipe. i smiled and he grabbed my face and kissed me. he was getting really into and started pulling me towards the desk. i had just slept with the new guy a couple of days ago and dont want to go down that road. i stopped him and told him no, there was people outside. he said cool and we went back outside. the night was winding down and everybody was filing out. we went inside and hung out. nicole and jason went upstairs and me and brian layed on the sofa. he started to kiss me and i told him i had to pee. i didnt want to but i felt like if i didnt there would be problems. i went back into the living room and layed next to him. he started to kiss me and it didnt feel the same. he was really into it and finished quick. thank you jesus.

we went upstairs and got in the bed. brian feel asleep but i couldnt. i felt so bad that i slept with him. i felt like a slut. it made me cry.i didnt fall off to sleep until 4 am. i was sleep when brian left and slept most of the day. i got up and went to the wine bar down the street. i had a few glasses of riesling and went back to brians. everyone was chilling in the living room when i came in. i saw that they had already been drinking by the bottle of hennessey on the table. i went over to brian and gave him a kiss. baby we about to play pool. thats cool. i went upstairs and put my things down. i havent felt comfortable since i have been here. i heard the gang come upstairs to the pool room across the hall. BABY come on. i am coming i yelled back. i wasnt in the mood. i have to go. i cant though. i was in the closet looking for something for me to put on when my phone rang. it was my homegirl telling me about her day at work. brian came in and told me to hurry up. i looked at him and mouthed to him im coming. he stood there for a minute looking at me. god i wish he would stop that. he sucked his teeth and walked over to me grabbed my phone and hung it up.

why did you do that?... because your ass was taking to mutherfucking long, i told your ass to come on a long fucking time ago." ....whatever...i picked up the phone to call her back and apologize to her. he grabbed the phone and took it out my hand. STOP!!! i yelled. fuck that, who were you talking to anyway?... my friend.... well fuck her. just then jason peeked his head and told us to chill out and come on. we coming brian answered. whatever i said. you know your attitude is real fucked up baby you need to fix that shit. i looked at him and rolled my eyes. you gonna stop rolling your fucking eyes at me to he yelled at me as he put his finger in my face. i rolled my eyes as i was walking away. he grabbed me and i jerked away. he grabbed me again and slammed me against the wall next to the door. a pain i never felt shot through my back. when he slammed me into the wall my neck and head snapped back. he slapped me. i was was shocked. i told you not to do that shit no more,what the fuck is wrong with you! he grabbed me by neck and started to choke me. he was yelling something and tears were rolling out of his eyes. he kept saying he loved me but all i felt was the tears rolling out my eyes. i was trying to get his hands from my neck but i couldnt. he was squeezing my neck and started to black out. jason ran in and pulled him off of me. he pulled him away and i dropped to the ground. i was coughing and crying, nicole was talking but i swear i didnt know what she was saying. i was in shock. i sat there for a minute. my neck was on fire and my throat was in such indescrible pain. i told nicole to help me get my things. she ran around the room grabbing anything that she thought was mine. they came out of the bathroom and brian kept calling my name. nicole yelled out shut up you woman beater! i am sorry baby please listen to me. i didnt say a word. i grabbed my keys that were on the floor. i ran down the steps and out the house i jumped in my car and took off. i didnt make it far because i pulled on a side street and cried. i was hurt. he tried to kill me. if jason hadnt pulled him off of me he would have killed me.

i got it together and jumped on the highway before i knew it i was at the new guys house. i went in. he wasnt there and i was glad. i got in the bed. i woke up to the door slamming. the new guy was here. shit i dont know how am i going to explain this shit. i looked over at the clock and it said 12:13 pm. everything on my body hurt. i felt like i had been hit by a car. i couldnt move. he came over to my side of the bed. i had the covers over my head. i pulled the covers down and to see his face. his smile turned to a frown quick. what happened? nothing. what is that mark on your face? nothing. he gave me a look. tell me what happened. me and brian had an argument last nite. i sat up and felt the back of my head, there was a knot.

he put his hands on you? No. why you have a mark on your face, bruises on your arm, and on your neck? i looked down and noticed the big ass bruises on my arm and my neck was still hurting. I am asking you again did he put his hands on you? I didnt know what to say. there was nothing i could say. yes or no? i looked down. he jumped up and got his keys. where is he? huh? where is he? i started to cry i couldnt go through this right now. where is he?.... please come here.please. please i kept saying in between my sobs. he stood there for a minute and came over. he grabbed me and hugged me. he was holding me. i felt like shit. i had been beat up by a derranged man and here i was with someone else. he got in the bed next to me. we were quiet. baby you know i am going to fuck him up right? i didnt say anything. can you start the shower for me? he kissed me on my forehead and started the shower. my back was killing me. he was in the bathroom getting me a towel and i took my shirt off and used the sink as a brace to take my pants off. he yells out, what the fuck!!! look at your back! i turned around and looked in the mirror and from what i can see i had a big bruise.

fuck that! he yelled and he grabbed his keys, where the fuck is he at? please dont.... dont what? you got a big ass bruise on your back, your neck and arms are fucked up, and there a bruise on your face. you want me to chill !this nigga put his hands on you. i started to cry. i am in bad shape and i dont know how to fix this shit.

committment issues? this may work UPDATED

2008-04-28T18:03:00.002-04:00

to say that I had fun in LA would be an understatement. I wont reveal all the details but I can say this:

Chilled with Jamie Foxx in VIP at the Skybar
Sat at a table next to George Clooney and his girlfriend
Saw Scott Caan eating breakfast at Swingers
stayed in a house in the Hollywood Hills
the house flooded like Hurricane Katrina
Had the best sushi ever at Koi in Hollywood
Seriously considering a move to LA

Another understatement would be the fight me and Brian had. I wasn't even yelling, he did at me the whole time. I learned a lot. He has been working a lot and thought that since he couldn't pay attention to me that i would find someone that would. he gives me no credit but rightfully so. i understand that he is working. since i didn't cancel the trip he kinda flipped and we argued before i left. he said a lot of mean things and hurt me. Nicole called and told me that they (her, Jason, and Brian) were in DC for the game.

he had never yelled at me like that before. i understood where he was coming from but still i cant take this. i don't know if i did something stupid. i called the new guy. he called me everyday while i was in LA and even gave me the hook up so we could get into certain clubs in LA. so when i called him crying, he was concerned. I should back up a little. The fashion show that I mentioned last week I went to and saw him there. It was a little awkward, but we both played it cool. after all ,the gang went. myself, Jason, Nicole, and Brian. it was fun. i need to say me and Brian haven't had sex since we went that party a couple of weeks ago and i am starting to wonder. i wouldn't be surprised if he was hooking up with chicks it would explain why he has been so crazy lately.

the day after the fashion show i went on a date with the new guy. he took me to the geisha house and we had a couple of cocktails later and conversation, it was nice. it was the first date i had been on in a million years. i really like him. now i am scared. i don't feel the butterflies for Brian. i don't know if i ever have. he has just become crazy. Saturday we drove to Chattanooga and spent the day there. Imagineer is what he is and i like it. all these things were his ideas and it felt good to have some one court me. i don't think i want a relationship well, i cant say that i don't know.... anyway....

i called him crying. me and Brian had a fight about everything. when i called and stumbled to get out what happened out he was real calm and met me at a restaurant close to my house. he suggested that i take my car home and chill with him. i did. he followed me home, I grabbed some clothes and left. we ended up back at his place. he lived in lofts in downtown Atlanta. his place was nice. it was a bachelor pad for sure. pool tables, video game systems, movies, the works. i sat on the sofa and turned on the TV or at least tried. he yelled out from the kitchen if i wanted something to drink and i told him no. i did but i wanted to watch him make my drink. i went to the kitchen and sat at the bar. i asked him if he had wine and he yes. he grabbed a glass and popped open the wine. it was Merlot, which i don't drink, but alcohol is alcohol.

he asked me what i wanted to do and i told him honestly didn't know. i thought about it and i suggested that we drink wine, sit on the balcony, and order take out. which we did. we talked about everything and laughed a lot. some of his neighbors came over and he put on some old school r&b like Jade, Guy, and Bobby Brown. We were laughing and had a good time doing the old school dances. the night passes so quickly when there is good conversation, wine, old school music. i was getting tired so i went and changed into my tshirt and girly boxers. i honestly didn't feel funny about spending the night with him because i have already did that. granted we kissed the whole night and slept maybe three hours but none the less.

i got in the bed and he got in the bed too. he played some tunes from his ipod stereo. soon Eric Roberson was filling the room. what he know about some Eric Roberson? he felt and smell so good laying next to me. my heart was being so hard i thought he could hear it. he grabbed me and pulled me close. i could have melted. he kissed me on the forehead and turned his head in the opposite direction. i just laid there. i was shocked. i am in the arms of a man i don't know anything about. i wish i could have gotten up and snooped but i knew that i couldn't get out of his grip.

It was the middle of the night when i first felt it. it was hard as a rock. my god. it has to be huge. i was kinda turned on. then i wondered were was the woman in his life. did i even care? my track record isn't that good and i don't want any surprises. i got up and went to the bathroom. i didn't have to pee but i looked for woman stuff. i ran the water and quietly opened the medicine cabinet. nothing. i opened the other cabinets under the sink. nothing. the bathroom closet. nothing. surely he has someone. he is pretty cool. maybe he is crazy..... i came out of the bathroom and went to the kitchen. i poured another glass of wine. maybe i am over analyzing this. i should just go with the flow. he isn't my man. i was freaking out because he gave me butterflies and i haven't had those in years. i don't want to do anything stupid. i walked to the balcony and stepped outside. it wasn't cold but there was a slight breeze. it felt good. i sat in the chairs and looked out at the sky. i am stressed. there is so much going on.

i was zoned out when he came on the balcony and sat in the chair next to me. i got up and went back to the bedroom. he was soon laying next to me. he was everywhere! I was trying to avoid him but that's hard to do in someone else's house. i laid down on his chest. he asked me if I was okay. i told him yes but that's not how i really felt. i looked up at him and kissed him. before i knew it my shirt was off and his was too. he stopped kissing me and i prayed to god that he didn't say anything stupid and he didn't. he didn't say anything at all. i asked him what was wrong and he told me it was getting heavy and he didn't know how far to go. that was sweet. at least he didn't say something completely stupid. i pulled him closer to me and he started to kiss me again. he was touching me softly. it was then i asked about a woman in his life. he said they broke up six months ago because he didn't want to marry her. whoa commitment issues just like me. this may work!!!!

he went on to say that it was because there were a lot of things that he didn't like and it wouldn't work especially in a marriage. oddly, enough that turned me on. he started to kiss me again this time and we didn't stop. he is real gentle and soft and i didn't hold my breath. he is a big guy but he made me feel relaxed. it was kinda rough starting out because my body is so weird. My va jay-jay closes up in a heartbeat. during the act he asked me if i was okay and said little sweet stuff. I don't think I have ever felt this relaxed since i lost my virginity 8 years ago. its weird. i never felt like this before. am i cheating? i think so. afterwards he held me so close and tight. i wanted to believe that he cared about me. maybe he did. to be on the safe side i assumed that he didn't. Guard ON!

i am starting already. i make the assumption that guys don't care to protect myself. i don't wont to be hurt so i think bad thoughts so i wont be attached. i didn't sleep at all. i laid there thinking that i had done something so completely wrong, the only thing is i didn't regret it. he woke up and and i told him to take me home. i had some running around to do and he told me he would like to kick it with me before i left. i wanted to be cold hearted but i couldn't. i went home grabbed my luggage and we went to eat. i felt awkward but okay. Brian didn't call. i knew he didn't care about me. i left and the new guy called the whole time i was in LA. he picked me up from the airport and we stopped and had a bite to eat. after dinner i decided that i wasn't going home and went to his house. we were in bed the whole day. he asked me what was i going to do about Brian. i honestly dont know. he told me that it seemed like i had made my choice, by hooking up with him. not really i am confused. he told me that he dosent have sex for nothing and he hopes this going can go somewhere. dios mios. whats a girl to do?

UPDATE

How the hell would he say he hopes it goes somewhere? I don't even want to think about that. I had finals tomorrow and i needed to go home and study. The new guy made a couple of phone calls from the living room and I laid there thinking. Did I do something dumb? I think I am a whore. Am I? I have only known him a week and already I am spending the night and having sex. Jesus!! He comes back in the bedroom and says to me we have a chance to do a once in a lifetime thing. I didn't want to know what it was because I have finals so if it happening after Thursday I wasn't trying to hear it. He yells out "We can go see the Hawks play tonight!" I gave him a look. "Come one now how many times are the Hawks ever going to be in the playoffs?" You right I said. We chilled out a little bit and left a little early for dinner and went to the game. We had excellent seats and the game was sooo good. Because I was getting along with him so well it made me nervous. Besides I don't know anything about him. What does he do? Does he have kids? Been married or divorced? Anything! He is a mystery. He is only a mystery because I haven't asked him anything because I didnt want him to ask me anything. He has tried to tell me things but I haven been responsive. We have good times, but maybe we shouldn't have had sex so soon. At dinner he told me he would be going back to Houston in July. I am suspecting he plays football. I hope not. We all know how I feel about football players. I don't want to be rude and look him up on the Internet because if I do and he is one I know attitude will become real stank. Next time we go out, I decided that I was going to drill him on certain things. Plus, I have to seriously consider falling back on the sex with him. The odd thing is, I didn't really know what was going with anything else my life but I like whats going on with this guy.

easy?....part 1 TWISTED LOVE TALE

2008-04-18T14:42:00.001-04:00

brian is about 6'3, 235 muscle with huge dimples and hazel brown-green eyes. he is beautiful. he has these arm tattoos that i love. he always smells wonderful.

i knew that because i didnt cancel my trip there was going to be a problem. we fight because i wont give in. i have problems with that when i was younger i used to let men walk all over me and i wont budge on ANY thing now. i do mean ANY.

After i finished my post i went straight downstairs and poured myself a shot of patron. yes it was early in the day. 9 am to be exact, but i needed one. i did two shots and chased them with chardonnay. good combo. i am a alkie. i know, i am embracing it.

its hard to imagine my days without a drink. moving on. i sat at the bar in the kitchen. i looked around this house it is gorgeous. it was something out of desperate housewives of orange county. i sat around for an hour and finally got dressed and jumped in his car. i wanted to be away. i hate driving his car because i dont know how to operate anything. it was about fifteen minutes before i could leave. i really wanted to drive out of town to a beach. i am so stressed. i ended up at Starbucks. i got a large white chocolate mocha with no whip cream.

i wasnt in the mood for anything. i thought i wanted to shop but i didnt. i decided to drive downtown. it's not that far and i could crash at his condo. i finished my coffee. atlanta is so beautiful. i love it here but i am thinking about moving. i will think about that on my plane ride to LA.

as i was leaving brian called me. i didnt answer because i knew the question. i got downtown and it has changed so much from when i was a little girl. its so developed. i went to atlantic station and decided to go to my favorite coffee spot, PJ's. I dont know what they put in their coffee but its like crack. it was midday and i was able to park at the curb. i got out and across the street was this guy leaning against his car looking hella good.6'4, 240-250 ish muscles so big i could see them through his shirt. fashion wise he had a louis vuitton visor flipped up, tshirt, jeans, louis vuitton belt, and some tennis shoes. these shoes were crazy though....

i went in ordered a glass of wine and sat at the bar. its nothing like a glass of wine to relax me. the music they were playing was sweet. it was along the lines of DJ Shadow who i love. i ordered my second glass and i saw the fine dude come in. he sat right next to me. damn he smelled good. i tried not to look at him but i could feel him looking at me. you guys have to understand something since i have been depressed and drinking more, i have gained weight. i want to get back skinny but everybody likes it. with all this being said my self esteem and confidence has fallen by the way side. i dont expect to meet people and none to talk to me.

when i got my second glass and he spoke to me i was shocked. we started off with pleasentries and he was funny. he sounded like he was from new york. way back when i had a thing for new york men. their style, their speak, everything. he stood up and went to the bathroom. he reminded me of someone...i thought about it for a second and AZ the rapper came to mind. OMG did i love him. his style was sick.

it was nice to have someone to talk to. he asked me a lot of questions and seemed interested. i made sure to ask him about his shoes and he mentioned this japanese designer named ano something. hot!!!! i have to investigate that.... who knew! before i knew it an hour had passed he mentioned he was hungry and asked me if i wanted to go to lunch with him. i gave him a crazy look. he looked at me and said "dont be that way its only lunch, i dont want thing else but a little company." he was right but you know me i dont trust a soul. i asked him what he had in mind and he suggested strip or fox sports grill. i told him strip was nice.

we walked to strip and got a table on the patio. we ordered drinks and talked. we were one of the only few black people among the lunch crowd. he had good conversation . he ordered a steak and i had lobster tails. i was enjoying him, he was different. it was only two o' clock. what next? he asked me to go to nani senoruim with him. the store is a boutique and has a lot of clothes like missoni, local celebrity, etc. when we walked he received warm greetings. he gave the sales girl a hug and she gave me a look. i wasnt in the mood. plus she better get right i had on rag & bone jeans and a d & g top. bitch please. i went over to the womens section. they had cute stuff. i was looking around and was asking me what i thought about certain clothes. eveything he picked up was hot.

he had an armful of stuff and he asked me if i saw anything that i liked i did. i just met him. lunch was good but thats as far as it goes. i gave him a look. i picked a couple of shirts, i paid for my things and we left. "why you didnt let me get that for you?" he said as we left. i replied, "because i dont fuck strangers." woooow!! he yelled out. he stopped dead in his tracks. "and besides that im not broke" he threw his hands up and said, "its not like that." " i can tell you got youre thing going on, i could've got it for you." "next time" i replied. I am always leary of men so giving. "so whats good you want to go out tonight?" i gave him a look. "i will let you know", i said. "so its over?", he asked. "i will call you if i want to go out." with that he walked me to the car and put my things in. i gave him a handshake and he took my hand and kissed it. charming. He walked over and got in his car and drove over to me. i thought you should have my number, since you said you would call. We exchanged numbers.

maybe i will call him tonight. i wasnt ready to go home, but i did. i went to brians condo. it was exactly the way we left it. fucked up. he wasnt here. thank god. i sat around for a while. i was feeling stifled, so i poured a drink and went on the balcony. it was beautiful. i called jay. "whats up gorgeous?" he answered. that made me laugh. i wondered what his story was. he seemed nice. i dont want anything from him but to hang out. i didnt know what he wanted. we talked for a bit and i told him to meet me at the Savu in the W hotel. i got ready and left. i havent been to this hotel in a while. it was sooo nice. we meet in the lobby and went to the restaurant. i know that i am vulnerable. he told me i seemed distant. he was pushing me to talk about what was going on and i didnt. i feel like i cant breathe to be honest. i am so worried about taking care of my self and being successful its driving me crazy!

We had a lot of fun. the place is very trendy. we were talking and he suggested we cut out and go the luckie lounge. it was crazy in there. he walked in and knew everybody. i had completely forgot to ask him what he did for a living. he had athletic build. i am thinking he plays football. i wonder...... god I hope not. anyway groupie city. there were so many beautiful ladies. i felt intimidated and not pretty. contrary to all the shit i talk i got issues. we found a spot by the bar and hung out. after a few minutes of talking, he spotted one of his friends at a table and we went over. they greeted each other and we sat down. his friend was with this gorgoeus girl. i felt even uglier.

we were having fun. i was actually kinda tired and but i wasnt ready to leave. he suggested we chill at his house, because its really close, but i told him no. i couldnt even count how many drinks i had that day. a lot. i told him to take me back to the hotel so i could get my car. on the way he grabbed my hand and was attempting to hold it. i didnt like where this was going. it was the end of the night and he was probably trying to secure some ass for the remainder of the evening. no way!! we got back to the hotel and sat in the car. it didnt even seem like we had meet earlier in the day. brian was blowing my phone up. i was determined not to answer because i didnt want to argue. he asked me, "why are you avoiding ur boyfriend?" "I dont have one" he gave me a look and said "stop lying. "I dont" "so who been calling you all day?" i didnt say anything. "he is not my man" i said. "does he know that?" i shrugged my shoulders and looked out the window. "i dont want to fuck."i yelled out. "what? what are you talking about?" "I just want to chill. i dont want you to try fuck me." "I havent tried that, boo." "I know but i am just saying." my mind was racing. i wanted to go upstairs with him. i wanted to be away from everything just for a minute.

"lets stay here for tonight." i said. as soon as i said it i wish i didnt. he said, "cool but we not having sex," that made me smile. we got a room at a whopping 500.00. the room was beautiful. i just wanted to be close to someone. i sat on the bed. he looked around the room and sat on the edge of the bed. "Can i ask you a question?" "yeah" "what can i do for you that your man dont? my bad the one that is not your man." that made me smile again."nothing" i said. "aww no its something because youre here with me and if you were dealing with me full time you wouldnt be here whether i was your man or not. we been together all day basically what can i do for you right now?" i took a deep breathe. "kiss me and thats all." he smiled. he is a cutie. what the hell am i doing! he came close and he grabbed my hand and kissed it. he sat closer to me and that black code was doing something to me. he put his hand on my face and rubbed it and looked at me deeply. he got this whole seduction thing down. he came close and kissed me. it was so warm and it felt loving. we were kissing and it went from a simple kiss and to passion in a millisecond. he slowed down and we stopped. my heart was racing so fast i was almost out of breath. he grabbed my hand and kissed it. i knew then something was wrong with him. it took me awhile to figure out brians problem and it turned out to be insecurity and control and the new guy....i dont know yet.

"is that what you wanted?" he asked me. "yeah" "you feel like a cheater?" he asked me i didnt want to tell him the story because i would have to briefly tell the JR story and i didnt want to do that. I felt even more confused about my life after that kiss. yeah it was that good. i got up and grabbed my purse and told him i had to go. he got up and followed me to the door. "wait" as i got to the door he turned me around and began to kiss me. damn it. i am fucking not in control. we were leaning against the door. we were making out. it wasnt like passionate slutty high school teens. he was gentle with a touch of passion. i cant fuck a man i just met 10 hours earlier! i cant! i dont want to, do I? I know it makes no sense here I was in a luxurious room with him. I know.

i began to press on his chest to push him away. he got the hint and stopped. he was leaning over me. this black code shit should be illegal. clearly it is clouding my judgement. "I have to go", i said. "You sure" he asked me. "yes! i am not fucking you." you told me and i dont expect that. you told me you wanted kisses and that what im giving you."

he was right. i went over to the bed and plopped down. when did i become so...scattered. he came over and laid next to me. he looked at me and started to kiss me. the makeout session was on and popping. it felt good. i felt wanted. i didnt know him so i felt like a slut. with brian i used to feel wanted but everytime was have sex something happens. plus i feel like our sex is about control. we fight about something that has happened and he tries to control me even more, then we have sex. maybe somehow that is unhealthy.

when I entered this thing with brian it was different. we were different. we have both changed.now here i am semi cheating with the finest potential rapist on earth. it was already in the wee-wee (late night), he was a good kisser, it was getting intense. he wasnt touching me inapproiately. he was kissing me. i stopped for a minute and when i woke up it was ten in the morning. i was being held by this mystery person. all in all he seemed like a good guy. when i woke up he was looking at me. it has always been weird to wake up and have someone looking at you. he kissed me on my cheek and stared at me. this is weird. it just is. he told me my phone had been ringing all morning and made a smart ass comment about it. "you want some breakfast?" "yeah" i said. i was hungry as hell. the alcohol was needing some food. i washed my face and brushed my teeth (i always keep a travel kit with essentials) we headed to cafe intermezzo down the street. we had breakfast and continued to talk. i wanted to tell him about me and brian but i dont know him that well. he stated that part of the year he lives here and the other half he is in Houston. i didnt press him to tell me anything as far as career beause i didnt want to tell him about mine or lack thereof. he also stated that he was going to the fashion show at the Compound and I should come. No thanks. i dont do clubs, i explained. he said he didnt either but he was going to meet up with some of his old frat brothers and hang out.

i declined and told him i had to go because I had school. we said our goodbyes and i headed back to the condo. i changed into the clothes i bought yesterday and left. on the way to school i called brians sister. she was shocked when i told her i hadnt talked or seen brian since yesterday. as if she didnt know. she said he was really worried about me and i should call. i happily declined. i wasnt in the mood. i called nicole, she also said she was going to the fashion show and i should go. i didnt want to. i told her about me and brian, and she started laughing because he had called her to see if i was with her. damn maybe he really was worried. i felt bad, got off the phone with her and called him. "where you at?" was the first thing he said to me. no hi, hello, nothing. "i am on my way to school." "how the fuck are you on the way to school and you left your books at home?" i have my laptop." "where the fuck you been?" "away" "what the fuck is wrong with you? how the fuck you stay out all night and....... "easy" i said. this isnt going well. if he would have approached me different I would have melted and went back to his house. he didnt. so now i had to bitchy. "easy?...easy?....easy? what the fuck does that mean?" what the fuck is wrong with you? i hung up. i didnt want to hear this anymore. i was real bold because i was driving his car. i could have crashed that bitch if i wanted to. he called me back a million times.

i went to my PR writing class. i wasnt in the mood for the other two. i decided i needed to face the music. on the way back the new york cutie from a couple of posts ago called and told me that he was going to the fashion show and i should go. damn. everybody was making this out to be a fucking versace show. i pulled up and saw Jason's car. i took a deep breathe and went in. jason was on the sofa watching tv. he yelled out "whats up" and I went upstairs. i layed on the bed and drifted off to sleep. Brians rude ass slamming the door woke me up. he was putting his shit down on the dresser, when i turned around to look at him. he looked right through me. he came and sat on the bed right next to me.

he didnt say a word. he came close to me and kissed me on the cheek. i was bracing myself because i didnt know what he was going to do. "please dont do that again, okay?" he said. why is he acting like I ran away from home? i dont even live here. i shook my head, but i know this isnt the end of it.

THIS SHIT SO REAL IT COMES WITH A DISCLAIMER

2008-04-16T21:25:00.000-04:00

DISCLAIMER
IF YOU ARE NOT AND I REPEAT NOT A REALIST THEN DON'T READ THIS. IT ISN'T FOR YOU. THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK OF ME. THEY ARE MINE.

it makes me feel inadequate
it's what everyone wants and I am scared to give
it can cause you pain and suffering
or joy and pleasure if done right

it has been taken from me violently
in some cases i have given it freely
yeah only like twice
not out of obligation
pressure
disgusted looks
impatient sighs
guilt
i am so fake
i act like i like you
i dont
i don't want to do it
i hate doing it
it does nothing for me

it seems like a requirement
it can be unnecessary
every time i do it
it hurts
i am scared

most times i cry to myself
softly where you cant hear me
i brace myself
i close my eyes so tight
till i see red spots

i hold my breath
i am so tense my muscles hurt for days after
the pain you cause me cant be described
you shoot threw me so violently
i cant take it
i cant
i cant
i just have to hold on a little while longer
thank god its over
it makes me uncomfortable
tense
stressed

it may cause me to be alone for the rest of my life
why did you take it from me?
why do you pressure me?
why do you want it so bad?
why cant you understand that I am not like that?

i have never abused you
you know that
i cherish you
you dont do the same for me
i take that back
i did it for the wrong reasons
dont be mad at me i said
accept me
love me
dont leave me
never for me
only for you
what about me ?

did you ever think or know?
that i don't want it?
i can go with out it ?
it hurts me ?
you're hurting me
STOP HURTING ME !!!!

i dread it
i hate it
i have to be drunk to do it
i would rather be drunk to do it
zone out
i don't trust because of you
i don't commit because of you
you make me doubt myself
loathe myself
abuse myself

you have fucked me up
for life
i can change
i hope...

you make feel like less than a person
if i was a different person i would
have killed myself
i have wanted to
tried to
still want to sometimes...

too scared
how would i do it?
i want to show you
i am strong
i'm lying
weak
confused
hurting
i want you to feel how i feel
you make me cry more than you know
i want you to give me my life back!!!!
give me that little girl back!!!!!
give me that grown woman back!!!!!
give me my innocence back!!!!
you're a asshole
user
abuser
thief
criminal

i wont have a normal life because of you
why didn't you kill me?
living like this is much worse than dying
thats what i think

you made me into a little girl that hated herself
i sat in that corner because of you
afraid of people
you shouldnt hate yourself at five years old

you again
same evilness, different person
in a new form
wow you too?
so violent
i am different
i feel torn
something is wrong
pain
injury
i died that night
because of what you have done to me just last year
i am a woman thats afraid to love
trust
second, third, fourth, one hundred guess everyone
you stole from me like the other did when i was a little girl
the same shit

pop a pill
drink till i pass out
wake up a day and a half later
damn what day is this ?
when i went to sleep it was monday morning
its tuesday after midnite?
wheres the alcohol?
to be honest
surprised that i woke up this time
damn another day

dear god,
take me
from my misery
if you care anything about me
(which i obviously you dont because of all the shit you let happen to me)
when i pop these four 1300 mgs pills
and drink the rest of this grey goose
white russian mix and lay down
i wont open my eyes ever again
i will go quietly
peacefully
how i wanted to
drunk.high.numb

i am going to die

that's how i feel
i cant go on
i don't want to
i don't have the energy
i am tired

do my eyes look glossy?
i cant speak without slurring
carry alcohol in my purse
cant make a decision
i cry at the drop of a dime...
fuck that
a pin ...
fuck that
a nothing

damn purse stash is gone
plan B
what about my bookbag?
gone too?
fuck!!!!!
plan c
glove compartment
jackpot!

vodka dont fail me now
as you enter me you make me relax
my muscles feel so good
i am calm
without you my hands shake uncontrollably
youre my only friend
whoa!!!
stay on the road
take it to the head.

i wanted to do drugs because of you
no smart ass i have never done a drug before but you make me want to
only to feel no pain, hurt, or worries
just my luck that girl didn't have any cocaine when i asked
or pills
damn bitch do you have anything?
you don't? no biggie I will drink
till i pass out
throw up
don't remember shit
numb

i don't want to face you anymore
i spent two and half years and counting drunk because of you
i don't remember a damn thing
you made me do things i didn't want to
what you ask?
fine asshole i will tell you
strip
drink
pop pills

i want to choke you
i blame you
i blame me
i hate myself
what is it like to have self esteem ?
confidence ?
self worth ?
not be mad?
thats not me
i am
angry
livid

i wish you would leave me alone
i have lost so many relationships because of you
you have controlled my life
i want to die
i want to drink
you make me happy
sad
depressed
anxious
scared
timid
suicidal
homicidal
crazy
bipolar

i wish i didn't have you
i wish i could take you off
and put you in a box
on my dresser
look at you
throw you across the room
in the trash
flush you down the toilet
stab you
shoot you

i am not good enough for you
never will be
why do you want me ?
why do you do this?
let me go
how can you make me feel
like i am never relaxed when i am with you
nervous
anxious
upset
hurt
panic attacks
depression
please let me give it to you, don't take it

you will never understand
please understand
get to know me
you torture me
abuse me
mistreat me
lie to me
all of the above times 1 million!!!

i wish we could start over
i wish we could be new
i wish you knew me as a different person
i wish i knew you differently

what would i do without you?
do you care about me?
did you ever love me
want me ?
need me?
what if i never wanted you again
you're so arrogant
vain
self loving
you probably wouldn't care
i cant let you hurt me again

you have to help me
find someone who understands
patient
loving
experienced
teacher
professor

i am your student
i want to be
i need to be
show me something different
i don't need to be this way
i don't want to
i cant trust you
you have lied to me
hurt me
trashed me
deceived me
left me
i hate you
i have heard you speak
you tell me different
you think your nice
fun
easy
gentle
all fucking lies
i hate a liar!!!

you are evil
i cant believe you
you disgust me
you control peoples minds
bodies
souls
beings
spirit
finances
romances

go!!!
leave
be out
kick rocks
i am not going to let you take it from me
you wont hurt me ever again
i wont let you

do you know what i really want?
do you?
for real?
i have never been happy with you
i have never had so much hatred for someone or something in my life
why wont you go?
i am young
release me
set me free

these are just some thoughts and feelings from a young lady that has been sexually abused in ways that a little girl and a woman can be. I was unfortunate enough to experience abuse at both stages in my life. For people who don't know it changes you forever. Its a struggle for me and I am learning to cope. Primarily I am addressing my daily thoughts about the act of sex, my vagina, my abusers ,and how they control my life. it covers everything and i didn't hold back.

i would love to hear your thoughts.

cancel your trip!

2008-04-16T10:46:00.000-04:00

I am going to LA next week thank you jesus!! I am so excited and my friend has already gotten us a suite at the Ventian for next weekend. the four hour plane ride from Atlanta to LA will allow me to think. Brian is a workaholic right now so i dont see him that much anymore. i try and call him and he is busy and he calls me back and I am sleep. I dont really mind though. it takes some of the pressure off. If you dont know by now I have committment issues. He feels bad for not being here and when I woke up yesterday there was a note for me. It basically said I am sorry I am not around please dont leave blah, blah. It meant a lot that he hand wrote it. It was sweet. Ever since I discovered he dated a model its kinda changed the game. Granted it was this past weekend but I was at the bar BYMYSELF on monday afternoon. I went to chilis and had three tropical sunrise magaritas (yall know they are 21 oz's each right?) and three disaronno's and coke. I am just stressed and my drinking is getting worse. i dont even make excuses for my drinking anymore i just do it.

After I left there I went home and changed and meet up with the cutie and drank some more. yall know about the cutie right? He is 6'0, 215, dimples, ny accent, brown skin, umm fine as hell. I was actually at the bar two weeks ago having a drink with my homegirl and he approached me. he has only been here three weeks so I put him on theory status. He is so cute, but he is younger than me.
I decided that i am going to take some pics to let you guys a little more into my life. those are coming soon.
I bought an ed hardy shirt. I dont know why. anyway....

he dated a model. it made me cry. that and I am on my period (thank you jesus) me and brian had a fight this morning. as he was getting dressed he told me dont make any plans for next week. i told him i couldnt do that because i already had plans. let the drama ensue.

what do you mean you have plans, were do you think you are going?.....LA...What?...LA..Since when?...Since two months ago, when I bought my plane ticket....thats fucking crazy because i dont remember you telling me that you were going....thats fucking crazy because i asked you to take me the airport...well you not going..what! yes I am....let me think about it, nah you not going...whatever...who you going out there with? me... and who else? i am meeting my friend out there, she lives there....wrong...with me because i am going to..its girls weekend..its girls weekend no men! he started to laugh he was putting on his shirt and he was looking good and yummy. he started to speak to me in a calm voice, you honestly think that i am gonna let my girl go to LA for a weekend with a homegirl, you lost your fucking mind. you're not going. why? you afraid I am gonna fuck somebody like you did? he stopped buttoning up his shirt and gave me a look that scared me. if we were in DC he would have threw something at me.(check my other blog southernsista.wordpress.com for that tale) youre not fucking going.period. i rolled my eyes in disgust and went to the bathroom. clearly he has control issues. i am going. fuck that. i came out the bathroom and got in the bed. it was 7:00 am and too early to have this conversation. he sat at the edge of the bed and told me to come here. i went and he kissed me. he got up and as he walking out the door he said "cancel your fucking trip."

i have no plans to do so. just to be spiteful, i took his luggage bag out of his closet and packed put it by the door. i am going point blank period.

later in the morning i called his sister. we talked for awhile and she told me she talked to brian this earlier. he was heated over me going to LA. He goes places all the time without me so whats the big fucking deal? i asked. she agreed. plus he has been fucking chics anyway. who? she asked. i dont know who and i told her the panty story and i told her about the chic at the door. she either honestly didnt know or she should win a oscar. she goes on to tell me that he never told her any of that (yeah right) and that she has never seen him act like this before. her exact words were "he has got a control thing with you." no shit deputy dog. i went on to say that he dosent want me to do anything without him and I feel like a piece of property and technically he isnt my boyfriend. we havent had sex in weeks well days is more accurate and he acts so crazy when i mention anything that dosent involve him. i am going for sure. i need a break. he isnt smothering me, but he is insecure with us and when you think about it he has every right to be. that being the case i am going.

when he gets back tonight i know that there will be another fight i can feel it. i decided that I am going to stay out all day. since he is trying to control me i am going show him. i am taking his car and his money and go shopping till i fucking pass out. i have my assignment to do...hmmm anyway i will figure it out. i will keep you updated.

i feel like the fat wife at home....

2008-04-15T07:58:00.000-04:00

i met this cutie a couple of weeks ago while I was out and about. I had an interview and three classes so i stopped at the bar to get a couple of drinks. he tapped me on the shoulder and we sparked a conversation. this natural hair thing is really working out...

SIDEBAR ---Moving on....

Brian has really stepped his business game up. He was able to buy into a car dealership for a line of cars that never becomes availiable. No I am not talking about a buy here pay here spot. He spent a lot but he has already seen his investment back. The video production company with another buddy is always booming. He also began doing some consulting work for a sports agency as well. Like I said he stepped his game up.

Nicole and I were chilling around the house this weekend. Both of our men were out. Jason had to do some workouts and Brian had some other business. We decided to have a girls weekend, so she came over and we jumped in the bed with our pints of ice cream and wine. It was cool. I dont have any female friends and its nice to be around a girl sometimes. My phone rang and it was brian checking on me. i told him that nicole and I were in the bed looking at lifetime. he asked me to go downstairs to the office and into the desk and get something out, which i did. he told me he would be home a little later and he loved me. as i was putting the things back in the drawer i noticed some pictures. This could go either way. should i look at them? I called nicole downstairs. she came down and we went through the pics. the chic in the pics had to be his girlfriend. she was gorgeous! she was bi-racial, about 5'7, perfect body, and had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. she looked familiar though... me and nicole decided to go through more drawers to find more pics. which we did in a folder. there were so many pics of them together. they had been everywhere together. they always looked happy. as i am jealous looking through the pics, nicole yells out " i know who she is!!!!" she is that chic from the show!!!.... thanks nicole I really know who youre talking about..... no from that game show.... i wont give out her name or the name of the show but she is still on it now as a model.

Whoa!!! there are some chics that you dont compare to. this is one of them. i cant compare to someone this gorgeous. it made me sad. i felt like the fat wife at home, seeing her husband out with his beautiful mistress. he dated this girl!! it wasnt that she was famous, its the fact that she is beautiful. nicole got the idea to google her. she started to do it on the office computer, but i told her to do it from my laptop. we put all the stuff back just like we had found it, went upstairs popped open a bottle of wine and looked her up. she goes to all the industry parties and walks the red carpet. i wanted to know what happened. and as hard as i tried to remember the story i dont think he told me about her. there was a period were we didnt talk either, so it could have been then.

wow. wow. i sat back on the bed, poured me another glass and took it to the head. it made me upset. i dont know if this has ever happened to you guys, but have you ever seen pictures of your currents exes and you think why are you dating me? Well i have it is happening to me now. i dawned on me that I am not his type. i am not. I cant be. why is he even talking to me? nicole went downstairs and by the time she came back i was balling me eyes out. it hurt. i could have been making gross assumptions by i knew i was right. i kept downing the wine. dont get it twisted, wine will get you fucked up. nicole was trying to give me words of encouragement but it wasnt working. all i could think was how much of a loser i was. me and her are exact opposites. everything she is, im not. this hurt yall. i wanted to do something crazy now. like shop. this isnt a good time to shop. i am likely to spend thousands. (I forgot to tell you guys i bought some rich and skinny jeans and an ed hardy tshirt)

me and nicole went downstairs. we went to the kitchen and got out all the comfort foods. we sat on the sofa and pigged out. nicole went to sleep first but i couldnt. what the hell? i feel alseep not long after. i woke up to a knock at the door. it was jason. why the hell did he knock he has a key? He walked in talking loud and shit. as bad as i wanted to ask him some questions i didnt. he would tell brian and i didnt want that. he laughed at us for pigging out and him and nicole went upstairs. i went back to the couch, took to more quick glasses of wine, and fell asleep. i woke up to brian picking me up. he took me upstairs and put me in the bed. he got in the shower and laid next to me. he rolled over and whisphered in my ear, he loved me and held me close. i couldnt help but think did he wish it was her he was holding instead of me.

comments

2008-04-01T23:01:00.000-04:00

hey,

i cant figure out how to let you guys submit comments. you can email them to me at: missmartinistales@yahoo.com. I look forward to all your comments good and bad.

Thanks,

Miss Martini

what the...

2008-03-30T22:29:00.000-04:00

what in the tarnation is going on? why cant people leave a comment let me find out how this works. i am working on it people.

reunited and it feels so... i"ll let you know

2008-03-30T08:16:00.000-04:00

last night there was a party for a local club promoter. i knew about it but i had no intentions on going. the party scene here in atlanta is crazy and i was not ( and never) in the mood for the environment. after working in the club environment for four years, i cant take it. plus i am not about to dance for free! i know that may sound a little(insert an adjective of your choice) but its real. i got a call from my friend Nicole, that dates one of Brian's friends. She told me her man Jason was going, which meant Brian was going. I hadnt seen him in at least three weeks. We hadnt talked since "laperla gate 2008". He has called but i havent answered. I couldnt talk to him because I was back with my ex. i was on LD. lockdown. She told me i should go and have fun. that bitch was playing me she was wanting some drama. a little background on her. she is cool and pretty but loves to date athletes not just that but choice status men. thats all she dates. not for the money either, but for the recognition. we actually met when me and JR were together.

I told her i would go and she picked me up a few hours later. We looked cute of course. She had on a pink lingerie style dress from bebe and i had on a mcq tank over some shiny lame leggings and stilettos. the venue where the event was held is really small and in an alley, so you have to know where it is. when we got there it was packed and we went inside straight to the bar. we began mingling as we sipped pur martinis . one thing about me is that i am not that social. i have no clue why but thats me. maybe because i am shy. there were plenty of people there that fits the atlanta standard "young, fly, and flashy" we went downstairs and sat in a area just off the stairs. i was having a lot of fun being out and about. i felt pretty again. (more on that later) by this time the party was popping. it was crazy in there. everyone was drinking and having a good time. i got up and went upstairs where it wasnt as crowded. it was hot and i had just got my perm and i was not trying to sweat it out. not just yet. i sat on a sofa upstairs for awhile and i started to regret coming. why? because i am not a partier and i was starting to feel out of place. dont get me wrong i love to have a good time, but when was the last time I wrote about being in the party scene? Exactly. as i walked towards the downstairs area, i felt someone grab me. i turned around and it was Jason, Nicole boyfriend or boy toy or whatever he was. he grabbed me and said whats up! you look good. we were making small talk and catching up and he told me brian was down stairs. i gave him a look. i didnt want to see him i said. that was a bold face lie. i did, but i didnt. maybe i wasnt ready to.

he said whatever and grabbed my hand and pulled me downstairs. they were in the VIP area. it was packed and i could see a lot of women around. as i was approaching i could see him. he looked so good. all i could see was his frames(tom ford) and jeans ( i couldnt tell but i later found out that they were antik) and a tshirt (BBC)

there were so many women around. all of of them had on there fuck me pumps with accompanying dresses. this one chic was in his face. she was very pretty. she was laughing and talking and he looked like was he was interested. my heart dropped. it has been almost a month since i have seen him and the first time i saw him there was some girl in his face. Jason yells out, look who i found! He looked up and he smiled. seeing his face made me happy. he got up and grabbed me and picked me up. i felt good. he stood there hugging me for what seemed like forever. he stepped back and looked at me. Baby you look good. thanks i replied. just then i prayed (lord please, protect my vagina and by the end of the night please let me say no to sex) the girl he was talking to looked disgusted. he told her to move over. i said thats okay, i see you are busy i will come back. he said what! no its cool. sit. i shook my head no and told him i would be back. i walked away as fast as i could and went to the bathroom.

my heart was beating so fast. he looked damn good. i didnt want any drama because i was just not in the mood. after i collected myself i went to the bar and ordered ANOTHER martini. this guy came up and started to make small talk with me. he was nice but i could tell he was one of them. you know those who front so hard like they are about to blow up. let him tell it he had his own record company blah blah. he very well could have but the name of the record was something like "homeboy records". Whats the likelihood?

i was sitting there and felt someone kiss the back of my neck. brian. i turned around and i was kinda shocked. the guy was standing there and he looked shocked. the guy looked like he was going to say something, but he walked away. that was bold as hell. he sat next to me,grabbed my hand and kissed it. He looked at me with those hazel eyes and said, I miss you. i didnt say anything. what was there to say? when we stopped talking i had moved in with another guy and had been living as his wifey for that time. did i miss him? sometimes, but not really.

how was the party in vegas? i asked he smiled, it was cool. How was the party in dc? Cool. how did you know i went? i didnt you just told me. SIDEBAR-there was a party for a b-ball player a couple of weeks ago. Can we leave? I was not going to those hazel eyes fool me. i told him, no. thats took a lot because i never tell him no, except that one time in dc. he looked shocked. did you fool around in vegas? yeah he said matter of factly. i wasnt shocked. at least he told the truth. dc? yeah. damn he cant keep his pants zipped. what about the other places? NO. we were together then. whose panties were those? He smiled and looked away. i honestly dont know... he said when he finally looked at me. okay i said as i got up. he grabbed my arm. listen. sit back down. i sat. i dont really want to talk about that..... of course you dont brian.

baby please, lets just get out of here.... no.... you wont even admit to me what happened.... what if i did fuck around?... it wouldnt be the first time that it has happened to me.... would you be mad?..... no. i wouldnt (lie)...... so you dont give a fuck what i do? he was giving me that scary ass look. its not that. i know that i am not an easy person to deal with and maybe the chic was fine as hell and you couldnt say no...... have you been fucking somebody? he asked me. No i said. I am so surprised with all the storming outside that lightning didnt strike me dead as i told that lie.

i know you havent...what if i did? he gave me a look that was killer. well..i dont know... brian the rules shouldnt apply to only you... i dont know if i could handle it... what?... i said... you went to vegas and fucked somebody and you fucked somebody in dc. you were doing whatever you wanted to do. now it my turn and you tell me you cant handle it? fuck that. i knew then i could never tell him about the chic or about the dancing or the ex. NEVER! Well you havent and you wont so that dosent apply he said.. umm hmm.. i mumbled. hell i was lying, there was no point in me being loud WITH my lie. i told him i had to go to the little girls room and i would be back. i just needed a break. i went to the bathroom and leaned against the wall. i dont know what to do about him. i like him but i feel like there are things he dosent tell me. its more than a feeling, i know there are things that he dosent tell me. i feel like if we were to be together he would be a completely different person. i should always go with my gut. it never stirs me wrong. so maybe i should get back in with him to be a detective and find out whats going on. it could be just me. i dont trust a living soul. not even my own mother. its that serious. i am paranoid. i have every right to be.

after a few minutes i walked back to my seat, which was being sat in by a woman. gorgeous woman. light skin, long hair, smaller than me. typical as my friend would say. sorry if i offend anyone but i am brown skinned. he was smiling and talking to her. i stood there and watched for a moment. is this what he does when i am not around? at least he has good taste. she was laughing and playfully placing her hand on his chest and legs. i wanted to puke. it was so obvious that she was a groupie. i wasnt jealous though. i had already fucked him a million times and i could do it again so it was not a issue. but he was talking to another girl though.

i am fresh out of a relationship and i just dont have the energy to be mad at another man. they exchanged numbers and she walked away. i smiled and walked back to my seat. hey babe he said as he was smiling. in true brian style he had another drink waiting for me. she was cute, when are you gonna call her? i asked. he kinda laughed and didnt respond. when he didnt respond that made me snap.youre a piece of shit brian. you fuck somebody in hawaii, new orleans, phoenix, dc, and vegas. across the continental and non continental united states and then you have the balls enough to be in my face and you are still getting numbers? eww.you make me sick. i was real calm about this. we looked at each other and didnt say a word. i got up and was trying to make my way through the crowd. it was hella crowded and i was ready to go. i didnt know where nicole was. i got downstairs and looked in VIP and i didnt see her. I was pissed. I walked back upstairs and as i was walking past the bathroom i felt a hand. it was brian and he pulled me into the mens bathroom. dont be alarmed, the bathrooms are single and separate. so here we are in the mens bathroom. I wasnt mad at him, but i just wasnt in the mood for any drama. I wasnt in the mood to bitch either. imagine that!

We stood there and as much as I wanted him to bend me over the sink, it didnt happen. he said, why you acting crazy. I am not thinking about that girl. i want you, you know that....whatever brian..... i'm serious..... okay i said. he gave me a stern look, kissed me, and we walked out. we went downstairs and found the rest of our group. we ordered drinks and partied. to tell you guys the truth i have been in a blue funk for a minute. i have been going though a lot of issues and it was taking a toll on me. i was ready to go and brians kisses on the neck were getting to me. brian gathered the group and i hopped in the car him, nicole and jason hopped in her car and we stopped at Durpi's for breakfast. we laughed,talked, and ate. we left the spot and headed down peachtree. atlanta is such a beautiful city. we ended up at this nice high rise building in the atlantic station area.

we enter the elevator and brian is all over me. he was kissing me like crazy. it was fun and slutty. i was still drunk and by the sounds of it nicole and jason were doing the same things. we exit out the elevator and enter a large condo. it was beautiful. jason and nicole hit the sofa and brian goes to the fridge and pulls more alcohol. then it dawned on me that i didnt know where i was. brian i slur whererve? (where are we) My new spot. what happened to..dont worry about that. nicole was on top of jason on the sofa and i stumbled to the kitchen and poured shots in the glasses brian had. i grabbed two of the shots and stumbled over to nicole and jason. i was holding the glass and they were to busy kissing to notice me. HERE!!!! i yelled. they didnt listen so i poured the shot all over nicole. she started screaming and i was laughing. it was funny. pay attention next time i yelled in her face. Bitch! she yelled at me. Jason was getting up and nicole fell on the floor. i drank jasons shot as he went to the kitchen. i sat on the couch and nicole came over and sat next to me. you got my fucking dress wet, bitch!...so take it off. looking back now that was not the right the thing to say.

she was peeling her dress off and i was laying there. i dont remember what was said but next thing i know we were kissing. whoa! i would have stopped her but she as a damn good kisser. thats what i love about girls they are so passionate. at least the ones i have been with. we were taking each others clothes off and I rememeber the guys yelling out things. i dont know if i was supposed to be ashamed. i mean its one thing to be gay, but its another to be gay in front of people. isnt it?

we were on the sofa and they were watching. they were enjoying the hell out of this. Next thing i remember is money flying covering us. it was kinda like the time i did that party with my homegirl....... nevermind.... she was going down on me and i was enjoying it. i couldnt concentrate though. it had turned into a show. i felt like a hooker. i wanted to stop but not really. does that make sense? it was about what was hapening it had became a spectacle. moving on...

i looked up at the guys faces, they were in part disbelief and enjoying it a lot. i was in disbelief myself. she was doing a good job. i have always thought girls were better at it than guys. We werent ravanging each others bodies but it wasnt innocent either. we switched positions which meant it was my turn. i was partly drunk and trying to get my balance and by that time jason began kissing nicole and unzipping his pants. it was the pants unzip heard around the world. i looked up and there was his william (penis) in her mouth Whoa! i kinda sat back. i didnt want to be involved in a porn scene (it was a little too late for that, huh?) it was too up close and personal. his penis and all. it was right there!!!! this had the possibilty of going from two girls to four people in a heartbeat.

brian grabbed my hand and helped me off the couch. he guided me to the kitchen and picked me up and put me on the counter. i grabbed the bottle that was there and drank. he grabbed the bottle and took it away from me. he looked at me and said, I learned something new. i looked down at the floor. i didnt know what to say. he grabbed my face and kissed me. needless to say what happened on the kitchen counter. it was kindy pornish. it had been a minute and he tore threw me with a vengence. they were on the floor and we were on the counter. brian whisphered in my ear, lets go to the room. he helped me down off the counter and i stood there, i didnt know where to go. We got to the room and i layed on the bed.

I know you aint tired, im not finished, he said as he got on top of me and began kissing me. he was being sweet and gentle. why? as he was kissing me on my neck, i asked, what are you doing?... huh?...youre being extra gentle, thats weird...im always gentle....not like this, youre being romantic...whats wrong with that?....nothing...i mean..you werent like this the last times we did it...i was probably mad at you. he kissed me for a long time. we made out. i havent made out in so long. it felt good. he didnt try to stick me. i wasnt in the mood anyway. i was soooo tired and it had to be early morning because i heard birds chirping. i feel asleep. i woke up to knocking on the door. i nudged him and told him about the door. he got up and answered it. i heard a female voice and my ears tuned in. i couldnt tell what was being said but it turned into yelling. he slammed the door and came back to the room and got back in the bed with me. i didnt have the energy to mention it. i layed there and pretended i didnt hear a thing.

this is out of control

2008-03-23T14:25:00.001-04:00

What is wrong with me? My britney is out of control. Its buzzing and throbbing. It wants something and it is talking to me loud and clear. Imagine me trying to complete my assignment for school and listening to New Edition "If It Isnt Love" on my ipod and I cant even fucking concentrate. I need to finish my assignment because lord knows that if I go home to the house. I wont get shit done. this bitch britney is always something. she wont leave me alone. I wish i could take it off and put it in my purse. she is fucking with me and i wont let her win!

Kanye West Flashing Lights...
I feel like that character from Zane's book addicted. except im not. I know what happened. Me and boyfriend had a fight about sex and he took my pants off and went down on me and didnt finish. So now I am in a bad state. I feel so bad is Easter Sunday and here I am at Borders blogging about sex. I am a nympho. Not really. Is this how mympho's feel? I feel like going to the bathroom and doing myself. or maybe the car....hmmm not a bad idea. i am about to lose it. I am on my bitch campaign. we have been fighting this whole week and I want to go out and stay out so he will wonder where I am before he goes to work. Just my luck I will go home and that tired ass nigga will be sleep.

Jackson 5 "Can you feel it"
No I cant dark skin Mike I want to. I have tried eating some of these expensive pastries and drinking some coffee but no mas. I cant even close my legs. Damn this song is the bomb. I heard this at a MAC event a couple of weeks back and I had to get it.

Maybe even I talk about something else it will make it okay. I need a new job. My employer sucks. I am working for a nazi. he is crazy. He gives us random pop quizzes! on random work shit. he hadnt tried that shit with me but with the way I feel I am likely to go off and yell out "I quit this bitch" I am really not as hood as i seem but I am disgruntled. My job is just that a job i need a career.

fucking football players and looking cute cant be it. ----Estelle American Boy--- Me and her have the same birthday, I know that bitch is crazy. I havent been shopping in a million years. I have been comtemplating telling Brian about the stripping and the lesbian periods. he will flip though. I need to think about it. the only reason i say that is because one of his home boys used to mess around with chic i know (we danced together) and he is coming to town soon.

Musiq-Ridiculous
so as people may or may not know I am an ex stripper. I am used to stripper money. like 3000-5000 a week. I have never fucked for money, sucked for money, i barely get naked and my attitude is shitty. dont even think about touching me. i am cute, i can dance my ass off, and i am no joke on the pole. I decided that I needed to change my life so I quit. but now I regret it. How am i going to make it? I dont feel like i am. I cant spend money the way i used to. my shopping has went to all the time to almost nonexistent. There is brian. he would take me shopping but i dont want that. i am so independent i want to do things for myself. i am dying i have never worried about money in my life and that is what i am doing. this isnt working.

the dream-playing in her hair
when you are a stripper and songs come on you always think of the money. dancing gives you a sense of empowerment.

Usher Nice and Slow
I had to change it. yall know why.

Pink U and UR Hand MY FUCKING THEME SONG!!!!!!
Yeah i need to be mad at some men.
You feel so strong and ur attitude becomes horrible. money is not a issue. You lose the respect for it. Some of your favorite rappers paid for my first degree and half of my second. I remember I was working in a city that was hosting NBA allstar events. I wasnt even working at the club and the manager hired me and I made 3000 in four hours. How am i supposed to remain the same? I dont know yall. i wont rule it out

little brother-step it up
its like being a crackhead. its the female drug dealing. its addictive and dangerous. yet i need it. judge me if you want.

"these hoes aint impressed by applebees no more." A nigga cant attract cristal with a boones farm mindstate"

Neyo-Aint thinking about you

I have to go tend my britney i will be back. she won!

misc....

2008-03-21T19:49:00.000-04:00

i put out apps for a new boyfriend. Yall i am so tired of complaining. its only get worse not that i have stopped drinking if you believe that. i know i have slipped up a couple of times but i all and all i have been a real good girl.

So now on to whats bothering me.

I didnt want to have sex last night. it was the last day of my period where i was not bleeding but the coast wasnt completely clear. he was on me and in my ear so of course my body responded. After he was in me and it was good we were in an ackward position and i wanted to move my arm, he said no and we kept going, which was fine because it was really good and you know my passive attitude about sex. he wanted to flip me on my stomach and i didnt want to because he had suddenely become aggressive. he got mad rub against me a little and came all over me. he gets up throws me a big ass TOWEL to wipe off with and get in the shower. He was mad and when he came out starts yelling at me about how i suck, etc. I didnt want to argue because he is the meanest person and he dosent care about feelings.

i wasnt really listening and he says "this isnt going to work!" i got up put my glasses on and began to pack my shit. i did this because everytime he has said this he has left me. so i packed ALL my shit in about 20 minutes and got back in the bed. it was 1 am. i would leave in the morning. he got mad an said i knew that you would leave me blah blah. i have a question if someone says to you this isnt working what would you think?

now today he has been the biggest douche bag on earth. he is rude. i just want to drink and party. when i was party girl i was unhappy but i was drunk. this sober and unhappy shit just dosent work.

Dear God,

Please help. i m with a person that acts like he hates me. So to deal with me being such a good girl and cutting everyone i know off I am asking you can you bless with me with a couple of shots of grey goose. i will take absolut. hell i will even take some dark alcohol. Its a small favor.
Please let me know.

Thanks,

Love,

Me

im not jumping to conclusions am i?

2008-03-18T08:56:00.000-04:00

I was looking for a place for a put my ipod cord. i decided that i would put it in the nitestand. i opened the drawer and there was a lime green my piece of paper in it. i picked it up and read it.

I Marnita Tiffany Collier promise to let my husband, ----- do whatever he wants with my pussy, mouth, asshole unless I am ill or health does not permit the request.
Marnita Tiffany Collier

I was stunned. I wasnt even snooping this time. I was shaking. This was just last nite. His ex wifes name is Tanya. Who is Marnita? The more I thought about it the more I thought that Marita was supposed to be his cousin. Thats what he told me. Clearly, he is a liar. I thought about it some more and I have seen pieces of mail with her name on it. Her first name his last name. Cousins dont have the same last name do they? If they did, they dont write notes to each other. Not like this. I went to the kitchen and got one. It was for some community college. The bitch dont even go to real college? So lets take inventory. You lied to me about who youre cousin was, because she was really youre wife. I could be wrong. But i know that i am right. When he came home this morning i asked him what was his cousins name. Michelle. Priceless like mastercard.
That means he has been lying to me the whole time about who she was? But why?

I dont know if i want to say anything. she isnt here i am. My friend told me to say something but i dont want to because i am not strong enough to hear wha he has to say. i only ask questions when i know i can handle the answer and i cant right now. How do you rebound from this? How am I supposed to have sex with him again. He gave me this long speech about how he loves me and dosent want me to leave. I should feel secure with us because he loves me. All lies. am i supposed to believe anything he says? Am i jumping to conclusions?

I saw the note and I confirmed the name. What are the chances that his cousin and his ex girlfriend would have the same name? ZERO. What can he say to me? She was playing? You layed there and told me your cousins name.

I am remarkably calm about this. I feel like I need more evidence. I dont know what I am going to do.

this shit is getting is on my nerves

2008-03-08T16:48:00.000-05:00

this is what i am thinking right now......

why do i have to watch you play guitar hero or rockband or whatever the fuck it is? why? i am bored out of my fucking mind! this is not my idea of a good saturday. this is boring! not only that this cigarette smoke is killing me. i used to ignore that shit because i really liked your punk ass but now that i am not feeling you right now its irratating as hell! jesus! am i supposed to be in mediocre land? as i look at you it makes me want to throw up. i am just irked. why are you yelling out like this? no! i dont remember no fucking soundgarden video. i am bored!!!!! take me somewhere. i am so afraid that if i committ to you, i will stuck in the house because you are always tired and dont like to do shit. that isnt me. .....

i dont feel comfortable here. i have no where to put my clothes. i have been here a week and already you snapped at me twice. about the fucking door being open and about throwing a open box of cereal away. this morning it was about me saying something about you being a butthead. well you was! maybe i am pmsing. but as of now i dont think i will be here long. instead of a dresser there are blue totes. where i am going to put my stuff? do i have to get pink totes to put my stuff in? i feel like trailer trash. there is no cable tv or living room furniture. i cant be held up in this room with your burping farting ass all the time. it reeks of cigarette smoke and as i count there are 30 cigarettes in the ash tray. you walking tobacco stick.

no! i dont want to play that stupid ass game. take me shopping! take me to the movies! take me somewhere. get off your ass and get me flowers. entice me to fuck you! thank god i am going to my friends bday party tonight. i am not drinking though. i dont really want to do that either. its to far and i am not in a bowling alley mood. this bitch is wearing fucking shorts. good choice its like 30 degrees out.

calgon take me away!!!!!

is you crazy?

2008-02-21T23:57:00.000-05:00

the month of february is hard. Brian was gone for all the month. First it was the superbowl in arizona, then the probowl in hawaii, and last was the all star game in new orleans. I was being a good girl i guess. i found a sideline cutie to hang out with.

he came home on monday. i was soo super excited to see him. i have been talking to him on the phone for three weeks. i had to work on monday and had school and work on tuesday. wednesday was when i saw him.

SIDEBAR I AM LISTENING TO THE NEW RAHEEM DEVAUGHN AND THIS SHIT IS SERIOUS PLEASE SUPPORT HIM AND GET IT!

i came over and when i got there he basically pulled me upstairs, where he gave me a big hug and kiss. he also he gave me flowers and a bag full of goodies. i didnt even get a chance to look through the bag good before he was on the back of my neck kissing it and making me all hot.

Long story short we all know what happened. I got up and put on one of his tshirts and some shorts. no panties though i needed to wash anyway so i gathered what little clothes i had over there and put them in a pile. i stopped and i did a quick scan of the room and it was a mess. i cant stand to be in someone elses mess, i had to clean. he got in the shower. i went over to his bag and start to sort through the clothes. i remember he left with nothing and came back with luggage and a gang of clothes. as i am separating washables from dry cleaning clothes. i made a discovery.

Panties. yes everybody panties. Fucking panties. Is this nigga crazy? black Size 6 La Perla thongs.

Whose are these? I am not a 6. I paused. fuck that i was frozen maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me. I put my head down. Jesus Christ. i didnt know what to say. i sat there on the floor in silence. i heard the shower turn off. i think my heart was skipping beats. he came in the room with a towel wrapped around him and sat on the bed. oh you washing clothes? Thank you baby...he was putting on sweat pants and a tank top. I am going downstairs you want something? I just stared at him. Brian?....huh?....what are these?.....he came closer and grabbed the panties.....Panties...true whose are they?....what? WHOSE ARE THEY?.....they gotta be yours. NIGGA THESE AINT MINE, THEY WERE IN YOUR BAG. At this point i am livid because i know for a fact these are not mine. I was giving him a look that was deadly. He looked shocked.

who did you fuck?...what? WHO DID YOU FUCK WHILE YOU WERE OUT OF TOWN?... What?..... WHO DID YOU FUCK?.... what? i didnt fuck nobody?... that made me laugh. i am holding fucking exhibit a and he says nobody? babe...i am serious i didnt fuck nobody... how dumb do you think i am? i am holding the panties!!!! he started to come closer to me. i said DONT. i moved by the bed. WHO DID YOU FUCK? I didnt fuck nobody!!! he started to yell at me. i was shaking my head. I was in disbelief. i didnt want to fight. i just wanted him to tell me the truth. WHO DID YOU FUCK ?.... HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU I DIDNT FUCK NOBODY! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU! LISTEN!

oh he crazy as hell. i was mad though. we were having a staredown like in the wild west. i stood there and folded my arms. where did you fuck her? hawaii? new orleans? you probably couldnt wait that long so it was phoenix huh? you are nasty. you are nasty as hell brian. ewww. YOU ARE SO NASTY! I was in the process of telling him how nasty he was when he walked up to me and got in my face and started screaming at me. he was saying something about how he didnt do anything blah, blah and he grabbed me and is shaking me. he was shaking me so hard i was afraid my wig was gonna fall off. he pushed me on the bed. i was shocked. he is abusing me. i got up and ran to the steps and ran. i got to the door and started to open it and got there before i could get out and closed it shut. i am screaming at the top of my lungs for him to move. its like everything went quiet. i was scared. i have been abused and now i am being held hostage! we were having a battle i am trying to open the door and he is keeping it closed. no matter what i am not going to win. he says to me in the calmest most rapist attacker voice "you not getting out so might as well just stop." he was right. i let go of the door knob and put my head against the door. he puts his hand on me and i screamed no. he walks away and sit on the couch. i turned around and stood against the door. I wasnt going to win.

I went and sat on the couch. He went to the fridge and poored himself a shot. I was sitting there with my arms folded. I learned in one of the classes for my major that this meant you werent receptive to communication and i wasnt. how can you explain panties?

He sat next to me and looked at me. what the fuck is he looking at me for? He makes me sick. He didnt sat a word. this nigga better start explaining some shit quickly. He sat there in silence. silence is the quickest way to make me upset. I got up and then he says where the fuck are you going? What? sit your ass down! Something is wrong with this nigga. I knew I shouldnt have been fucking him on the rego. (regular) I gave him a look of disgust and turned around. he yells out my name. WHAT!!! I yell. What the fuck is wrong with you? What? Nigga you the one with panties in your bag. Why cant you believeme when i say that i dont know where they came from? WHAT! You know where they came from. either Arizona, New Orleans, or Hawaii.

Yeah you right. I know. SO since you dont believe that i didnt fuck anybody imma act like a nigga that does that shit. okay so check this out. my boy is having a party in vegas and im going. i was gonna kick it with you but fuck that imma be out fucking bitches.

I said okay. I walked upstairs to the bedroom. I got in the bed and pulled the covers over my head. i was mad but not really. i expect this. he was a football player for god sakes! I heard come up the stairs but he didnt come in the room. he went to the other bedroom and closed the door. this was the first time we had ever slept apart. ever

juice on one shoulder, vodka on the other

2008-02-17T15:45:00.000-05:00

i am trying to do right. i swear i am. but the truth is i am unhappy. i feel like i am faced with the decision of a lifetime. i am having a quarter life crisis.

whats this about?

i was a stripper for a long time. three years. thats like six years in real life. i feel like i am older than i should be. being a stripper in a lot of ways has ruined my life. i have no respect for money. men, etc. it has fostered an addiction to alcohol that i cant get rid of.

so now that i have been out of the industry for at least six months now and have been getting money from what people in the industry call " a real job" i am dying. i was dying in the industry and i am dying outside of it. the real deal is that part of me wants to go back. for the money. i am used to having thousands of dollars. i was a classified thousanaire. i could spend money and not think about it.

i have to wait for a check every week. a check that i feel isnt worth shit. it isnt what i used to make on a stage set. hell half a stage set. i feel like i have to do to much worth for way too little money. if i didnt have money saved up. i would be dead. not dead but hungry, clothesless, carless and all the above. stripping did a lot of good things for me. i meant people that i am still friends with and maintained a higher standard of living. it did more harm than good. by the time i quit i wasnt making any money. i hated myself. i cried everyday. i stopped getting naked and stop going on stage. i was drunk every single day. i know that if i hadnt of stopped when i did i would be on drugs by now. yeah like coke and pills.

i feel like because i chose to be a stripper that i am paying for it now. this maybe the reason i feel like i am broke. i have money dont get me wrong but i am not comfortable. i am so scared to death to put myself back in that situation. i am so afraid of making the wrong decision. i feel in my heart that i am not strong enough to handle the industry again. its abusive. it breaks you down and it dosent care about you. i need the money though. i am so scattered about this that i cant even think sometimes. i have to do something. my standard of living has grossly depreciated and i have to do something fast

brian dosent know that i danced and he never will. he would flip. he is here but i wont allow myself to be dependent on him. i will never be dependent on anyone else but me ever again. when you are dependent you are controlled. i want to do things by myself. i dont want to live that life. i meet people outside the club and i lied to them about what i did for money. its embarassing. i have to lie on job apps because for awhile thats all i did.

i am scared. i dont want it to be the death of me. its like being a recovering alcoholic at you are at a party and having to choose between juice and vodka. chosing juice you are still having fun, but the vodka turns it up a notch. if i chose the vodka it will make me forget all my problems at least for a little while.

tennessee? you cant be serious.

2008-01-28T23:26:00.000-05:00

well as we know i am not pregnant. i havent a period that lite since my first period at 13. i shouldnt be worried though right..... anyway i partied so hard my birthday. thats the fucking understatement of the year. i was so drunk that there is a patch in time that i dont remember. i did meet this puerto rican guy. we went on a 24 hour date this past weekend more on that later.....

i am mad at brian. he missed my birthday. thats grounds for dismissal in my book. when i saw him last he asked me what i wanted for my birthday. my first instinct was to say those hot ass lanvin pumps but i didnt. my next answer was for him to just spend my actual birthday with me. i have never had a guy spend my birthday with me. he said cool. the week of my birthday was hectic. there wasnt a real plan, the only plan was to be drunk. as usual. on wednesday he told me he had to go back to DC and he would be back thursday night. red flag. i didnt believe it. it was cutting it too close. he told me to trust him. i was really thinking whatever but i agreed. i knew in my mind he wouldnt be back. thursday comes and i cant get in touch with him. i had class and his flight was scheduled to come in at 800 which was cool because i got out of school at 600. he sent me a message saying that he would be delayed and that he would be back first thing friday. here it is. this is when the bullshit starts. he called me at 12:01 am and told me happy birthday. it was sweet and he promised that he would be back. he sensed the doubt and kept trying to convince me he would back.

first thing friday comes and no brian. he called me at 10:30 am and tells me its a coupls of more things that he has to do and he will be on the way. there was so much going on that day i didnt even think about it. i was upset with other things that i didnt have time to miss him. my birthday celebration came and went and i was so drunk. i passed out. i woke saturday at my house and i was laying in the bathroom. i got up and walked to the sofa and as it hit me it was snowing. it ws so pretty but i couldnt enjoy it. i was hung over. i felt like shit. all my stuff was in one spot and my phone was blinking. everybody under the sun had called me. brian called me eight times. his sister called four. in and out consciousness i would hear the phone but i couldnt answer it. i was coming back from the bathroom and he called me. i answered baby ....he screamed! yes i muttered. where have you been? i have been calling you. i am stuck at the airport...i am taking the first flight out of here. i was silent. i felt like old yeller. i needed to be shot. i am sorry i missed your birthday babe but i got something really special planned for us. do you hear me? babe? i hear you...i am so sorry. brian i will call you back...i didnt want to talk. i was dying. i hung up on him. the whole day i was sleeping and waking up going to the bathroom and throwing up. i wasnt right until sunday.

i still felt weak but now i could hold food down. he called me asked where i was. i told him at home and he said good he was on his way. i didnt want to see him. he missed my fucking my birthday! he called me and i went outside. he was gave me and big hug and kissed me. he handed an envelope. i looked at it and looked at him. he said take it. i opened it and it was a brochure for a cabin in tennessee. i was thinking to myself this is it? as bad you fucked up you want me to take me to the beautiful, romantic tennessee? the birthplace of the Klan ?(check your facts) he needed to take me to the lake tahoe at least or canada or something.

damn! it made me laugh. i handed the envelope back to him. he looked at me and said he was sorry. he tried. i didnt give a damn. my birthday was friday not fucking whenever he was trying to make it be. i told him i didnt want it. i told him i gotta go and turned to walk away. he grabbed my arm and said he was sorry again. i looked at him and shook my head. i didnt want to hear it. i went back into the house and left his ass standing outside. he called me and i didnt answer, as a matter of fact i turned my phone off. i have every right to be a bitch. he came to the door. i didnt answer. he kept knocking. after a few minutes i opened it. i walked off and he closed and locked the door. he followed me into the living room. he sat next to me on the couch. he grabbed my hand and i jerked it away. he looked defeated. i started to talk. the only thing i wanted was for you to be here with me on my birthday. the only thing. you couldnt even do that. i shouldnt have to celebrate my birthday on january 20 because thats not my birthday. thats all i wanted. that hurt because you knew how special that was to me. i gave him a look. i wished he would drop dead. he shook his head. babe there was a lot going on and i got caught up and i missed my flight and...so i dont care you should have been here period. i dont want to talk i will call you later. he sat there for a minute looked at me grabbed my hand and kissed it and left. i was so mad. he called me all day. i didnt take his phone calls and havent talked to him since. i was dead ass serious you guys. he has called and texted me and i guess i will talk to him soon. it just hurt. it was in his control and he fucked up.majorily.

thank you jesus!

2008-01-16T10:39:00.000-05:00

it has been a minute since i have blogged. last time i was going through it but many quick shots of vodka took those feelings away. since then i was having sort of a mini crisis.

you guys know that i have been hooking up with brian. well my period comes like clockwork when the rent is due. on the 3rd. I start pmsing around the end of the month and then once my period comes its hell for the next five days and i am over it. that isnt the case this time. i had been living a happy sex free life for the past year. yes i did have the interlude with cheater and my boyfriend oh and the girl but not to much to "disturb the peace" if you know what i mean. now that i have been having sex on a regular basis it has thrown my whole system off. i will go back a little.

at that time it was the end of december xmas has came and passed and i was kinda stressed because i had been working a lot with no rest. i was tired as hell and i was still going out and partying too. my body was off i guess. so new years came and went, me and brian had sex again. the next week came and theres nothing. no boob pain, no cramps, no headaches, no nothing. i am worried. just to let you guys know i have THE worst periods. i can barely walk, i have migranes, cramps that seem more like contractions, and my energy is non existent. it takes so much out of me. monday passes nothing. tuesday nothing. wednesday comes and i start streak. yes, finally! i streaked for a couple of days and just knew my period coming. saturday comes and i had stop streaking so now i am back to nothing. i am freaking out.

the next week begins and i am starting to think that i need to have that conversation with brian. you know the one. the "i havent got my period" conversation. i dont want to. it scares me. i decided that since we were going out to eat i would just talk about it then. it was an unseasonably warm day and we went to a eatery close to the CNN Center called McCormick and Schmicks. A nice seafood spot. we ate and laughed, talked and had a good time. during dinner i got him to agree to not put any pressure on me to be in a super serious relationship but we wont sleep with other people. across the street is centennial park. we decided to take a walk over by the fountains. the area has changed a lot and because it was daytime it wasnt so many bums and winos out.
we were holding hands and talking about random things. i was nervous but i felt like it was a conversation i needed to have.
brian...whats up...i need to tell you something....okay shoot...i...i dont know if...(this whole time i am stuttering and he is giving me a strange look)....you fucking somebody else?....what? no...oh okay...listen... i havent got my period yet..... at that point we stop walking and he grabs me and gives a hug. it was that type of hug that makes me feel better. he is taller than me, about 6'3 and i am about 5'3. he is muscular and i felt like i melted into his chest. i felt better for a moment.we walk over to the bench and he says, "dont be worried" i hate when people say that. they say that shit because they arent going through the crisis at the time. i said, "i can't not be worried. i mean its a god possiblity that i could be pregnant. we have never used condoms so i mean there is a chance." yeah but im not going anywhere and if you are pregnant we will make a decision. dont stress about it, that is probably making it worse." i knew he was right but i didnt want to hear that. i wanted to feel a headache, cramps, and all the other horrible things.

we sat there for a moment and held hands. it was nice. i honestly felt like i wasnt pregnant though. but i knew i had done things wrong so it could have been a possiblity. i am not mommy material. although my baby would be fly, i dont want the responsibility. i mean you have change diapers, feed it, you cant go anywhere because you have to get a babysitter, blah, blah no freaking way. i like to get up and go. i dont want to be responsible for shaping someones life. i think mine was shaped wrong so i dont want to pass it on. no matter what he said i was going to be upset. we went to get drinks over at the rocker bar called the vortex. he wouldnt let me drink hard liquor so i had a couple glasses of wine. we left and went back to his house. when we got there he mentioned subtly that he wanted to have sex and i told not if he didnt have condoms so needless to say we didnt. not at that moment. i almost broke down because he was looking to damn good in his tank top and shorts and smelling all manly and stuff. i went to the other side of the bed. laying there next to him is so hard. its not about the sex i just wanted him to touch me. i knew that if he touched me it would be a wrap because i have never told no except that one time. he went straight to sleep and i got up and went down strairs. i was stressed i went to the bathroom looking for any signs of a period. nothing. this is my own fault. i looked at tv for awhile and went back upstairs. i got in the bed and curled up on his chest. he kissed me on my forehead. which lead to a kiss on the lips which lead to more kisses on the neck and shirts coming off and him on top. moans and groans. i know. i know. i am wrong again. he shouldnt smell so good.

the week passes and now its a friday and i have no symptoms. me and my friend go out and she says "i got my period." the reason she told me is because we were supposed to do this party. i was heated how did she get her period before me? well that must mean mine is coming too. we partied that night and the next day my period came. thank you jesus! i am having a few small cramps, but all in all not that bad. which makes me wonder why. i have never had an easy period and all of a sudden they are breezy like this? no way. i called brian to tell him and he starts laughing and tells me that he is glad i wont be worried anymore. then i start to tell hom how i am not bleeding a lot and he got grossed out and stopped me. i am just glad i got my period.

the real....

2008-01-06T15:44:00.000-05:00

have you ever felt like your life was going fucking nowwhere? thats what i am feeling right now. I am in a super transitional period. i have to make a decision on a lot of things. i dont really feel like i have accomplished anything. i also dont feel like there is anyone for me to talk to. part of the problem is i dont really know what i want to do but here i am trying to pick a grad school. i know i want to leave atlanta. i love it here but i need something different. my next favorite place is DC and that is hella expensive. sure i could do live with brian but i dont want to do that. i am not a dependant person. i know that he would take care of everything but at what cost? im kinda like Sarah Jessica Parker in sex and the city. basically the whole show was her discovering who she was as a person and that made her so lovable. every few years i am always at a crossroads and i am never comfortable with my decisions. i feel like i have made to many bad ones so i hate to be absolutely definite on anything. except for clothes and shoes. you know shit that dosent really matter.

i wish that i could start every thing over. i am just freaking out because my birthday is coming up and nothing has changed that much. i think i am still living the same life i was living a year or two ago but in less expensive clothes. i wish i was one of those chics who was comfortable having a man do everything for them, but that isnt me. i am scared out of my mind right now. i spend to many of my days thinking that i am a bad person for the things that i have done and havent done. i just want to be happy and settled. i feel like my life hasnt started yet and i am getting to old. i mean i am not 30 yet and already i sound like i am about to die. i think it is unfair that at 17 or 18 years old to ask what are you going to major in in college? some people know and others dont. if you mess up that early, it could be bad. at 18 youre legally an adult but honestly how many people are that focused? i dont know any freshman or sophomores in college that get straight a's. i'm not saying its possible i just dont know any.

i dont want to make any more mistakes. i feel that my decision making abilities are completely flawed. i am harder on myself than anyone in the world. things are that fucking bad in my mind. i am just venting and if anyone is reading this i appreciate you bearing with me. i am a capricorn and i am emotional. i dont want to think about this anymore. i went out to my car and got my emergency stash of vodka. i am gonna end this post to have a few drinks. i will update this situation later.

miss martini's life tidbits

2008-01-05T18:15:00.000-05:00

my ex( the married one that lied about it) gets on my nerves. he is so fucking boring! i hate a dude who wants to sit around and do nothing because thats not me.

i have a friend who i havent seen since november. me and her have been best friends for ten years. now i call her and she dosent answer or we speak via email. i feel like she is going through something and she is not telling me. which she is known to do. so after asking her is shes okay and making plans to never materialize should i just give up? We were supposed to hang out on her birthday but i had to go to my nieces baby christianing so i didnt go to the club with her. i havent seen her since then. we have never celebrated each others birthdays with each other. i dont know what to do.

i am a grown up now. i am so uncomfortable with my age that i dont even tell people when they ask. i give them a ball park figure. i always say over 21 less than thirty. i think i am having a mid life crisis and i am not even mid life yet.

what am i going to do for my birthday? it is in two weeks and i havent planned a thing but to be drunk.

i want to buy a new car but i dont know what kind. i went to a certain dealership and they told me i should pay 5000 down payment. this isnt including the cost of the new car. you know i walked right out. i could ask brian to buy me one but i wont. i know that he would but i would feel obligated to him.

speaking of which i have to figure what i am going to do with him. i like him. we had a conversation about us and i dont know if it went anywhere. he is a really good guy i just....i have to switch my feelings and thats hard to do midstream. he understands that but i feel like we would be in this super serious relationship and i have a feeling he is kinda possessive.

my ex and i have kinda rekindled. he asked me to move in with him and i said that i would but there are some obstacles. he has two kids. i have no kids. he has one that lives on the west coast and another that is a teenager that lives here with him. i have never meet his kids. so i would go from single person to stepmom basically. another thing is that i kinda want to settle down and i dont want to do that without an iron clad committment. as you guys may remember we have our problems and our communication can be horrible at times. he told me he dosent want to go out that much this year because he wants to save money. that means we would do nothing but stay in the house. BORING!!!!!!! he also wants to buy new furniture. i have six month old furniture in storage that he wants me to throw away. he has no regard for my stuff. i dont understand if he is trying to save money he could do that by using my furniture. we never see each other and when we do we dont go anywhere. i think i would cheat on him. sometimes i feel like we have to much history and we may not work.

i start school on tuesday. it feels so funny because i have been out of school for a month. but i am four classes closer to graduating.

i dont know if i am gay.

i used to be a stripper (my life as a stripper post is in the works) this whole getting a check thing is foreign to me. when i see it, i am usually disappointed because its what i used to make onstage for one three song set.

i need to lose weight. i am not fat but i think i am used to being smaller. i can still shop and buy clothes from wherever i want i just want to be about twenty pounds lighter. if i did i would weight 115. i dont think thats cute for me.

i am finished complaining for now. enjoy youre weekend

me and fashion

2008-01-02T17:55:00.000-05:00

for as long as i can remember i have always loved clothes. not even clothes so much as style. so to me, style and fashion of course go hand and hand. i love the whole nine. the clothes, hair, makeup, accessories, shoes.

when i was a little girl my grandma would get fashion magazines. she would subscribe to one magazine and get thousands more. she would ask me and my cousins to pick out magazines that we wanted so we could have reading material over her house. my cousins would pick out "highlights" and any other kid magazaine but for some strange reason shw always had fashion mags and i gravitated towards those. i have no clue why, i just did. i loved the glamourous ads from chanel, yves saint laurent and a lot of the older fashion houses. she also received conde nast traveler magazine. they would have fashion ads them too. i would tear them out and collect them. they were so beautiful and glamourous to me. when i was bored i would look over all my tear sheets and magazines, studying every detail.

my mother also had a lot of influence on me. she always preached to me that i was a lady and that i had to look nice and more than presentable all the time. for every event she would buy a new outfit. i remember her getting ready to go out with her friends and putting on her stockings, the perfume, her dress, the whole nine. maybe two or three times a month she would take me on a shopping spree. i would go to 5-7-9 or merry go round and buy a whole bunch on clothes.

of course i went through my tomboy phase, but i am a true girly girl. i have always been obsessed with high fashion. i am a southern girl and in the south for a long time guys werent fashionable. i have always been attracted to stylish men with a swagger. for a period of about two or three years i only dated guys from new york because they rocked the style so hard and always had the newest clothes. versace, iceburg, coogi were some of the big labels out at the time. i loved it.

i love vivianne westwood, yves saint laurent, christian lacroix, etc. i would say 75% of my day is consumed with thinking of some sort of style. i was asked at work how did i know so much about clothes. you wouldnt believe it but a lot of people at my job dont have a clue about fashion. i work at macys in visual merchandising and operations. we have a lot of designer clothes but not like neimans, bloomys, or saks. fashion is a love of mine. its like a very serious boyfriend and we are in this committed relationship. every season i watch almost every designers collections, men and women. i study fashion and style so hard that i can remember a single piece from a collection. in my stories i may mention something about gucci jeans or marc jacobs tees and its because i have viewed the collection a million times and have committed them to memory and i recognize them instantly. i also go to barnes and noble or any book store and gather all the fashion mags i can find. i spend a day reading italian and british fashion mags, looking at ads, studying the styles from around the world.

of course i have favorite designers and design houses. catherine malandrino, gucci by frida giannini, mcq by alexander mcqueen, versace, dolce and gabanna, michael kors, diane von fursenberg, balenciaga, etc.i am partial to italian designers because the fit of the clothing is so crazy. people that inspire me fashion wise are victoria beckham, lindsey lohan, the olsen twins, sarah jessica parker, gwen stefani, jennifer lopez, nicole richie, pharell, kanye west and his girl alexis, diddy, jay-z and most recently rihanna.

i also watch a lot of old movies. i love old hollywood glamour. the style was impeccable. i guess all this explains why i am so obsessed. i have always said i wanted to die being hit in the head by a rack full of couture clothes or trampled in some kind of fashion stampede. one can only dream........

i know its a little shallow but what can i say. i do have my rules and they only apply to me.

Miss Martini's Fashion Rules

1. you have to make sacrifices for fashion. i am willing to bleed, cut off my circulation, starve, pass out, feel faint, or stop breathing all together if i have to be fabolous.

2. i wont be caught dead with cheap jeans on ever! jeans last forever and they are an investment. i never buy cheap ones because they roll up at the bottom, dont last long, and usually the fit is horrible. they make my ass look funny.

3. i always wear high heels. i wear heels with everything. jeans, dress, jogging suit, cargo pants, sleeping (just kidding) i dont believe in flat shoes. what are those? i'm only 5'3. i need help.

4. i always keep a good lip gloss, eyeshadow, and mascara handy. you never know what may happen.

5. i follow the trends for the season but i modify them to fit me. i know what works for me and i stick to it. i love leggings, skinny jeans, heels, and blouson tops.

6. i invest in good quality handbags. i love michael kors bags because they are very well made, last forever, and are affordable. plus not that many people carry them except for those rich white ladies. its not like a coach bag which see on every person's arm. Speaking of coach, they have these plaid wellies that i have been eyeballing for awhile.

7. good perfume is a must. i can still remember how people smell even if i dont remember anything else about them.

8. i try to buy at least one or two new things a week. i love to open my closet and see all the clothes. gives me a rush. i dont believe that you can EVER have too many clothes. it keeps the excitement up after a hard week at work. i always try to reward myself with a new shirt or pants.

9. i like to buy quality. i would rather have one quality piece than one thousand cheap pieces of shit that after one wash it tears or shrinks.

10. i love color. for a long time i stuck to earth tones because of my complexion. then one day i snapped out of it and i have been a color whore every since! i hate those boring ass colors that everyone wears. browns, dark green, wine, and especially black. blah! I love jewel tones and reds, yellows, oranges.

11. hair and clothes/makeup have to compliment each other. have you ever tried on a outfit and it dosent look right because of your hair or makeup? then you try on another outfit and it looks better? precisely.

12. i dont believe in letting my lights get caught off for an outfit. thats dumb. if i spend my light bill money on an outfit how will i see myself and all my fabolousity?

13. men are accessories. dont you hate when you see a girl all dressed up in a cute dress and heels, completely put together and the man she is with has on baggy jeans and air force ones? just like hair, makeup, and jewelry he should compliment you.

14. The great Coco Chanel has one of my most favorite quotes, "a woman should be two things classy and fabolous" Is there any other way to live? I dont think so.

like i said these are my fashion rules. i am not saying that it should apply to everyone its only my beliefs.

now you know me and my love of fashion.

some random

2008-01-02T16:41:00.000-05:00

my head hurts. i know that i am getting sick. which sucks because i was just sick. in good news after harassing my school's registrars office i found out that i got a B in my math class. thank god i didnt where all those low cut tops, skinny jeans, and heels for nothing!
i saw fineness today. i stopped by his job on my way home from work. we talked about why he was being a butthead. he is sexually frustrated and HE made it clear that it is not my job to fuck him. no shit. i'm glad he made it clear because if i had to do it, it wouldnt have been nice. oh yeah to relieve his sexual frustration i let him go down on me. ha!

why am i so lazy? i need to go and get my nails done. how do you have on $200 jeans with nails undone? ham no burger, peanut butter, no jelly! i just hate sitting there it takes so long! same with hair. i hate to iron clothes. i hate going to the dry cleaners. im just impatient. note to self-work on that.

so i am going through a bit of a crisis. two things i am trying to figure out what career path to take and if i am gay. i love clothes and i would love to have a career in it i just dont want to be broke and cute, which is not a good look. literally. normally i wouldnt share this info but i have a had a girlfriend in the past and now i have hooked up with a chic a couple of times recently. i like hooking up with girls way more than i do guys which is why i dont have sex with guys that often. i have to go through some kind of drought from affection of any kind for me to want sex. i barely like real penis why do i want a fake one from a chic.
its crazy though. i dont look at girls and get turned on. i look at guys and get turned on. if a guy could love me like a girl does it would be the bomb. it just dawned on my ass that maybe i am bisexual. or trisexual. i am babbling right now. but just go with it. i am so backwards. i have never been on top with a guy but have had anal sex. i dont like those guy girls i like girly girls like me. i dont miss sex from a guy like i do from a girl. i can go literal years with no sex because i dont really like it.
most say that i never had good sex. thats not true. there this one guy, he was hood as hell. he had good teeth, dreads, ghetto slang the whole nine. i swear he had me open. i loved hooking up with him. he wanted to have a relationship and i just wanted to "f". but you know the guys with good sex always has problems. he had no car, he lived in a bad ass neighborhood, no place of his own, emotional issues. he was like DMX without the cocaine. he would flip out on me for no reason. plus he was a capricorn.

moving on....
i wouldnt have this problem if common, the rock, or vin diesel would marry me. fuckers!

i just want you guys to know that i have a coworker from a previous job that is going to be on the flavor of love. i cant wait. she is a habitual liar and she will probably get beat up. her personality is like crazy from season 2. i cant freggin wait!

i woke up to brian yesterday. we had both passed out after drinking to many shots. i didnt even toast the new year because i was passed out.i woke up with paper stuck my face, my super cute half wig on one side of my head and naked. with the drool. shrimp were on the table and so was a big ass bottle of vodka and shot glasses. what can i say? i hope we didnt f because i dont remember. he was naked which means we probably did. i had to leave early because i had some things to do so i didnt get a chance to talk to him. he was sleep when i left anyway.

before i go i want to say check out the dreams "love hate" album. i hated shawty is a ten but he has some good songs like "playing in her hair", "ditch that", "i love your girl" "livin a lie", etc.
plus he is from atlanta!